Official Joke Thread
Posted July 27, 2011 - 07:03 AM
- grand, Sparky, zam and 7 others have said thanks
Posted July 27, 2011 - 07:17 AM
The husband replies the Officer wants his license and registration. The Officer looks at the info and says he lived in PA for a year. The wife asks "what, what did he say?" Again, the husband repeats the Officers statement so his wife understands.
This goes on for several minutes. The officer says something and the husband has to repeat. At the end of the pull over the husband asks why the Officer left PA... The Officer replies that he had been dating a girl up there who was the most ornery, irritating woman in the world and he couldn't get far enough away from her after the break up.
The wife again says "What!?"
The husband turns to her and says " He says he thinks he knows you!"
- grand, Sparky, Craig. and 1 other said thanks
Posted July 27, 2011 - 09:59 AM
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers...
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 *** BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT..BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
- grand, caseguy, Bill2 and 1 other said thanks
Posted July 27, 2011 - 09:08 PM
Posted July 27, 2011 - 09:19 PM
Posted July 28, 2011 - 07:35 AM
- zam said thank you
Posted July 28, 2011 - 10:39 AM
Subject: Nuts by the fence
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several
dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
one for me...'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along..
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When
the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if
we can see the Lord...?
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....?
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
- Craig., Bill2, bowtiebutler956 and 2 others have said thanks
Posted July 28, 2011 - 12:22 PM
Posted July 28, 2011 - 04:17 PM
I saw a Wanted ad in the local newspaper that caught my eye, going to leave address and phone number out to protect the poor soul.
"Would the lady who bought the pressure cooker and the safe at the yard sale at [address] on [date] please return the safe. There were some important papers in it that we need. [phone number]"
Kinda serious, but also kinda funny at the same time.
Posted July 28, 2011 - 05:29 PM
Posted July 31, 2011 - 12:49 PM
Posted August 04, 2011 - 08:32 PM
- Bill2 said thank you
Posted August 04, 2011 - 10:52 PM
- MH81 said thank you
Posted August 05, 2011 - 04:15 AM
Posted August 05, 2011 - 04:38 AM