Official Joke Thread
Posted July 24, 2011 - 07:31 PM
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could c ommunicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly fra nk, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The tv remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
- Bolens 1000, mjodrey, dstaggs and 38 others have said thanks
Posted July 24, 2011 - 07:38 PM
- JamesGrawi said thank you
Posted July 24, 2011 - 07:58 PM
I leave my cell in the truck. It's for emergencies. Otherwise I'd never get any work done.
- WNYTractorTinkerer said thank you
Posted July 24, 2011 - 08:04 PM
Posted July 24, 2011 - 08:15 PM
I needed a smile, thank Grand for me. That was a good one, as soon as I get it printed out... I will share it with my Dad & Mom.
Why don't you just e-mail it to them
Sorry Buddy! I just couldn't resist!
- MH81 and JRJ have said thanks
Posted July 24, 2011 - 08:47 PM
Also, Thanks to both Georges for that laugh.
Posted July 24, 2011 - 09:04 PM
Posted July 25, 2011 - 07:53 AM
Posted July 25, 2011 - 08:02 AM
Posted July 26, 2011 - 11:48 AM
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.
Linda is blonde, a Democrat, and voted for Obama, but that could all be a coincidence.
- tractorgarden, Buck, Utah Smitty and 11 others have said thanks
Posted July 26, 2011 - 11:49 AM
How about this one:
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
Posted July 26, 2011 - 11:57 AM
Posted July 26, 2011 - 12:13 PM
Posted July 26, 2011 - 12:15 PM
all I can say is...What Brain?
- MF10Ryan said thank you
Posted July 26, 2011 - 04:28 PM
The first applicant and his wife were called in for an interview. After some rather routine questions, the wife was asked to wait in the next room. The personnel director opened a desk drawer and pulled out a snub nosed .38. He told the applicant to follow his wife into the room next door and shoot her. He declined telling the agent he couldn't do that, he loved his wife. He was then promptly told he was not C.I.A. material.
The second applicant and his wife went through the same interview, and his wife was told to wait in the next room. Again, the snub nose was pulled from the desk and he was told to go shoot his wife. He picked up the revolver, walked over to the door, hung his head and returned to the desk. I can't shoot my wife, I love her he told the agent. Again, he was not C.I.A. material.
Applicant number three and his wife went through the interview, after, his wife was told to wait in the next room. The revolver again was brought out and he was told to go shoot his wife. He grabbed the gun, walked to the door and went through closing the door behind him. BANG!! The agents nodded to each other. BANG, BANG!! BANG BANG BANG!!! Then silence. The agents shook hands with each other. All of a sudden they heard the most terrible screams, banging and the sound of furniture breaking in the next room. Quickly, they ran to the door and went in to see the man standing over his dead, battered wife. "What the hell happened!!!" they asked him. Applicant three told them, "some jerk put blanks in the gun, I had to choke her!"
Edited by caseguy, July 26, 2011 - 05:56 PM.
- limebuzz, MF10Ryan and Mark K have said thanks