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Tool Descriptions


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#1 caseguy OFFLINE  

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Posted March 11, 2011 - 07:46 AM

This E-mail was sent to me by my cousin and I just HAD to share it with all of you! I got the belly laugh that I needed out of it, hope you do too!


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper..

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-B---- TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B----!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, be the next tool that you will need. This is why when my kids were little they were forbidden to go inside the garage when I was working in there.

Hope you found this as informative as I did.
  • mikebramel, MH81, Alc and 6 others have said thanks

#2 tractorgarden ONLINE  

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Posted March 11, 2011 - 07:53 AM

Well, that sums it up.:bigrofl:

#3 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted March 11, 2011 - 07:54 AM

I thank you. That was just what I needed this morning.
:bigrofl:

The hard part was reading that quietly, rest of family is sleeping in.

#4 Bolens 1000 ONLINE  

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Posted March 11, 2011 - 07:56 AM

Thanks for the Laughs :D :rofl2:

#5 awol OFFLINE  

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Posted March 11, 2011 - 07:56 AM

Thanks Caseguy I needed that!:bigrofl::bigrofl:All true.

#6 wvbuzzmaster OFFLINE  

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Posted March 11, 2011 - 08:02 AM

Nice list of tools there, thanks for the laugh.

#7 DanO OFFLINE  

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Posted March 11, 2011 - 08:09 AM

THANK YOU!!!! Best Post I've Read yet!!!!! Brilliant Descriptions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm Gonna Print This Out And Put It On the Side of My Tool Chest. My Favorite ( From Repeated Experience In Stupidity )
I'd Have to say is this one:

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

In My case, Especially True about Hidden Fuel Lines, which allways lead to a Major Panic Attack and visions of My Shop Going up in Flames!!!!!!!!!

#8 ducky OFFLINE  

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Posted March 11, 2011 - 08:20 AM

Thanks for sharing.

#9 mjodrey OFFLINE  

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Posted March 11, 2011 - 08:35 AM

:bigrofl::bigrofl:
Those are good,thanks for sharing that.

#10 JoshBrown OFFLINE  

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Posted March 11, 2011 - 12:27 PM

:bigrofl::bigrofl::bigrofl:
I especially like the SOB tool!!! That made me laugh "been there".

#11 Rickski OFFLINE  

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Posted March 11, 2011 - 01:44 PM

All very true.

#12 Texas Deere and Horse OFFLINE  

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Posted March 11, 2011 - 02:01 PM

THANK YOU!!!! Best Post I've Read yet!!!!! Brilliant Descriptions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm Gonna Print This Out And Put It On the Side of My Tool Chest. My Favorite ( From Repeated Experience In Stupidity )
I'd Have to say is this one:

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

In My case, Especially True about Hidden Fuel Lines, which allways lead to a Major Panic Attack and visions of My Shop Going up in Flames!!!!!!!!!


Thanks Guy, Thats the funnies thing I have read in years:laughingteeth::laughingteeth::laughingteeth::laughingteeth::laughingteeth:

#13 caseguy OFFLINE  

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Posted March 11, 2011 - 04:39 PM

My son just came up with another one...

WELDING GLOVES: A tool that we use to give us a false sense of security immediately before grabbing the vise grips.

#14 Bolens 1000 ONLINE  

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Posted March 11, 2011 - 08:52 PM

My son just came up with another one...

WELDING GLOVES: A tool that we use to give us a false sense of security immediately before grabbing the vise grips.


Thats another good one

#15 Bill56 OFFLINE  

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Posted March 11, 2011 - 10:48 PM

:bigrofl:Thanks for the laughs!

I think just about every one of us can say... "yep, been there, done that"!!




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