Official Joke Thread
Posted December 03, 2015 - 06:34 PM
Bet he won't try that again!
Posted December 03, 2015 - 07:48 PM
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
- MH81, oldedeeres, HANKG and 2 others have said thanks
Posted December 04, 2015 - 10:51 AM
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (30 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…"
- wvbuzzmaster, KennyP, LilysDad and 3 others have said thanks
Posted December 06, 2015 - 02:38 PM
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Posted December 07, 2015 - 12:54 PM
- Bruce Dorsi, KennyP, LilysDad and 2 others have said thanks
Posted December 07, 2015 - 07:36 PM
Pardon me if you have already heard this one;
Beer contains female hormones :
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary
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Posted December 08, 2015 - 09:42 PM
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Posted December 08, 2015 - 09:50 PM
- MH81, oldedeeres and adamjd200 have said thanks
Posted December 08, 2015 - 10:06 PM
Took me a second to get that one!
Posted December 08, 2015 - 10:20 PM
- wvbuzzmaster, diesel nut and oldedeeres have said thanks
Posted December 08, 2015 - 10:35 PM
Same here. Had to say it before I got it.
Took me a second to get that one!
Posted December 09, 2015 - 12:10 PM
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch hoo hoo, 3 lb. Left testicle, 3 lb. Right testicle, Turner Brown.”
The small guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him too, slapping his face and shaking him, “What’s wrong with you?”
In a very weak voice, the little guy says, “Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you just say to me?”
The big guy says, “I saw the curious look on your face and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch hoo hoo, 3 lb left testicle, 3lb right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said Turn Around.”
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