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Official Joke Thread


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#1456 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted December 02, 2015 - 01:07 PM

Thoughts for the Day

 

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.
I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters..
Do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?

The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the **** storm that's coming..

Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....
If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... Your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....
Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have $ex two to three times a week;
whereas a Japanese man will have $ex only one or two times a year. ...
This is upsetting news to me............
I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?

 


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#1457 TAHOE OFFLINE  

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Posted December 02, 2015 - 02:08 PM

Screenshot_2015-12-02-08-31-58.jpeg


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#1458 toomanytoys84 OFFLINE  

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Posted December 02, 2015 - 03:36 PM

 

 Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....
If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... Your life sucks!

 

 

I happen to really like dennys....



#1459 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted December 03, 2015 - 11:31 AM

Here's a list of people who should never wear those "skinny" jeans-----

 

 

                                   MEN!!


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#1460 toomanytoys84 OFFLINE  

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Posted December 03, 2015 - 03:02 PM

Here's a list of people who should never wear those "skinny" jeans-----

 

 

                                   MEN!!

conan-jeggings.jpg


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#1461 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted December 03, 2015 - 04:21 PM

Here's a list of people who should never wear those "skinny" jeans-----
 
 
                                   MEN!!


I'll second that, I have a face made for radio and a figure made for sweatpants.
To paraphrase... Spandex is NOT a birthright.
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#1462 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted December 03, 2015 - 04:59 PM

11221642_176140216065180_3580279568441859300_n.jpg

 

Christmas!.jpg

 

12321555_1738947746334537_8488893326481480537_n.jpg

 

My coworker has a fascination with talking on the speaker phone.. :wallbanging:  **I found my new desktop background!


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#1463 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted December 03, 2015 - 05:27 PM

"Here's a list of people who should never wear those "skinny" jeans-----

 

 

                                   MEN!!"

 

 

 

#2     Any woman over size 12-14

 


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#1464 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted December 03, 2015 - 06:32 PM

18340d1449162356t-not-laughing-matter-no


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#1465 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted December 03, 2015 - 06:34 PM

Bet he won't try that again!



#1466 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted December 03, 2015 - 07:48 PM



SENIOR SEX

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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#1467 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted December 04, 2015 - 10:51 AM

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (30 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…"


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#1468 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted December 06, 2015 - 02:38 PM

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
 
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
 
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
 
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
 
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
 
Not All Seniors Are Senile...

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#1469 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted December 07, 2015 - 12:54 PM

I was in the bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. 
The music was really really loud, so I timed my farts with the beats. After a couple of songs I started to feel better. 
I finished my beer & noticed that everybody was staring at me....
 
 
 
 
 
 
Then suddenly I remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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#1470 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted December 07, 2015 - 07:36 PM

Pardon me if you have already heard this one;

 

Beer contains female hormones :

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary


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