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Official Joke Thread


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#1441 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted November 19, 2015 - 08:07 PM

The thanks button isn't enough. I give you my personal thanks.


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#1442 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted November 19, 2015 - 08:09 PM

ark.jpg


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#1443 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted November 20, 2015 - 01:12 PM

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first giving the rooster a pep talk.

“I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house, three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked!

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset, he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Vultures are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.”

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky, and says, “Shhh, they're getting closer.”


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#1444 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted November 23, 2015 - 08:23 AM

As I was driving home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family's lives, my friends' lives, and what's happening in Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Syria and the rest of the Middle East, France, Hillary Clinton's scandals, Jeb Bush, Trump, Fox News, the downgrading of our military, the terrorists infiltrating our border, the illegals, the refugees, and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and Christianity, I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-555-3787

Like a sudden inspiration for my desperation the sign just stood there.

I called the number and gave my address to the auto-answer service.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower
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#1445 toomanytoys84 OFFLINE  

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Posted November 23, 2015 - 10:13 PM

As I was driving home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family's lives, my friends' lives, and what's happening in Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Syria and the rest of the Middle East, France, Hillary Clinton's scandals, Jeb Bush, Trump, Fox News, the downgrading of our military, the terrorists infiltrating our border, the illegals, the refugees, and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and Christianity, I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-555-3787

Like a sudden inspiration for my desperation the sign just stood there.

I called the number and gave my address to the auto-answer service.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower


That is great! I had to sit and think about that one for a second.

I can see the little Mexican guy showing and saying hi my name is hey sus I mow your lawn!
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#1446 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted November 24, 2015 - 11:38 AM

A woman goes to her priest with a problem.

"Father," she told him, "I have two female parrots rescued from a house of ill-repute. But the only thing they ever say is: 'Wanna have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" exclaims the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your parrots over to my house, and I will put them in with two male parrots whom I have taught to pray every day. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase."

The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The two female parrots were put in the cage with them. The females immediately began their routine: "Hi, wanna have some some fun?" One male parrot looked at the other male parrot and said: "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered."


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#1447 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted November 24, 2015 - 04:36 PM

boob.jpg

 

corn pile.jpg

 

goth.jpg

 

 


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#1448 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted November 26, 2015 - 10:55 AM

sofa.jpg
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#1449 MH81 OFFLINE  

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Posted November 26, 2015 - 07:50 PM

For the Family Guy Fans,

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#1450 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 28, 2015 - 01:20 AM

12299114_983289245090286_3718911583477803467_n.jpg

 

12191412_975395705879640_6417801790963258339_n.jpg

 

1184850_407086386080421_674171254_n.jpg


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#1451 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 28, 2015 - 01:28 AM

11061244_930225323730012_5504272388553808917_n.jpg


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#1452 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted November 28, 2015 - 07:10 PM

 

Actual sign at a KFC in New York, I would recommend swallowing any coffee or the like before scrolling down, lest ye spew it all over your monitor




















kfcac6.jpg

 

 


#1453 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 28, 2015 - 07:23 PM

The pic won't load Rich..  Is it the Hillary one??

 

hillary.jpg


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#1454 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted November 28, 2015 - 07:38 PM

Yup! Try this one.

 

 

Closer to God!

 

 

Cliff who is in his 80's goes to his doctor for his quarterly office check up. The doc asks if there is anything new. Cliff says " you know doc I think I am getting closer to God" the doctor asks why he believes that. Cliff says " well when I get up at night to go the bathroom I find that God has lighted up my way and I can pee w/o even turning on the bathroom light"
The doc said that was good and let it go as old age.

The following week Eve, Cliff's wife goes in for her doctor's visit. He mentions what Cliff said about being closer to God. Eve says " That old fool he's been...........................................
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
peeing in the refrigerator again"

 

 

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#1455 diesel nut ONLINE  

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Posted December 02, 2015 - 12:43 PM

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority recently found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu. 
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. 
 
 
 
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. 
 
MTA then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck." 
 

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