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Official Joke Thread


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#1426 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted November 13, 2015 - 07:56 AM

That is one of the most annoying things I've ever heard. Waddle, waddle!


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#1427 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted November 13, 2015 - 11:11 AM

A man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle."

"A fottle? That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton."

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."

"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."


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#1428 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted November 16, 2015 - 08:45 AM

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he
notice a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.


The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.


The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.


The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with
admiration.


'Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's
testicles.


'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster.'



The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then
I wouldn't have a siren.'
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#1429 HANKG ONLINE  

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Posted November 16, 2015 - 09:05 AM

Trump gets invited by the Queen to Buckingham palace for an exquisite dinner with other noted dignitaries. As his Lear jet lands at Heathrow he is met by a 1934 Bentley, and driven to midtown London where he boards an elegant seventeenth century carriage drawn by six beautiful horses and the queen seated in the back. As they are whisked away en route to Buckingham palace,suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with a earth shattering fart both Trump and the queen have perfume dipped hanky's over there nose's When the horrendous fart finally clears the Queen leans in and say's I'm so sorry Mr. Trump, not even the Queen has control of such matters, Trump replies had you not mentioned it, Queen Mother, I'd have thought it one of the horses.
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#1430 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted November 16, 2015 - 04:43 PM

 


The United Way realized that it had never received A donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back To your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did you research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So...if I don't give money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

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#1431 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted November 16, 2015 - 06:20 PM

You might be a Yankee

 

…You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

 

…The sound of Fran Drescher’s voice doesn’t bother you.

 

…For breakfast, you’d rather have potatoes than grits.

 

…You can name at least 4 hockey teams.

 

…You don’t know what a moon pie is.

 

…You’ve never eaten Okra.

 

…You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

 

…You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.

 

…You’ve never had grain alcohol.

 

…You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.

 

…You have no idea what a polecat is.

 

…Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

 

…You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

 

…You’d rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.

 

…You don’t have a least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

 

…You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

 

…You refer to two or more people as “you guys”.

 

…You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football

coach.

 

…You prefer a bagel over a doughnut.

 

…Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football or hockey game.

 

…You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob)

 

…You get freaked out when people in public talk to you.

 

…You don’t know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.

 

…You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for…(something)

 

…You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

 

…Your idea of a perfect meal is “Lahbsta and Clam Chawdah.”

 

…You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year.

 

…Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV.

 

…You don’t “reckon”.

 

…You’re not “fixin” to do anything.

 

…You don’t use paper sacks.


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#1432 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted November 16, 2015 - 06:24 PM

If you love something, set it free.

 

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

 

If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.

 

But…If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or you gave birth to it.


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#1433 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted November 16, 2015 - 07:16 PM

Windows 7, Arkansas Edition

 

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the “Arkansas Edition of Windows 7″ may have accidentally been shipped outside of Arkansas. If you have one of the Arkansas Editions, you may need some help understanding the commands.

 

The Arkansas Edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 7 with a background picture of Frank Broyles superimposed on the Razorback flag.
 
It is shipped with a Leann Rimes screen saver.

 

Also note:

The “Recycle Bin” is labeled “Outhouse.”

“My Computer” is called “This Infernal Contraption.”

“Dialup working” is called “Good Ol Boys.”

“Control Panel” is known as “The Dashboard.”

“Hard Drive” is referred to as “4-Wheel Drive.”

“DVDs” are “Them Little Ol’ Plastic Disc Thangs.”

 

Other features:

Instead of an Error Message you get a Winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

 

Terminology:

OK ………’ats aww-right
 Cancel…… hail no
 Reset …… aw shoot
 Yes …….. shore
 No ……… Naaaa
 Find ……. hunt-fer it
 Go to ….. over yonder
 Back ……. back yonder
 Help ……. hep me out here
 Stop ……. ternit off
 Pause …… fixin’ to
 Start …… crank it up
 Settings … sittins
 Programs … stuff that does stuff
 Documents .. stuff I done done

 

Also note that Winders 7 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

 

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Arkansas Edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.


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#1434 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted November 16, 2015 - 07:17 PM

You might be a Yankee

 

…You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

 

…The sound of Fran Drescher’s voice doesn’t bother you.

 

I guess a Yankee must be North of Tennessee and East  of Ohio. Fran Drescher is chalk on blackboard.



#1435 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted November 17, 2015 - 09:48 AM

11061244_930225323730012_5504272388553808917_n.jpg


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#1436 tater195 OFFLINE  

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Posted November 17, 2015 - 10:22 AM

According to snopes, that gag dates back to around 1949. The (un)funny part is it was published in the paper as "NEWS"


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#1437 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted November 17, 2015 - 11:09 AM

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"


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#1438 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted November 17, 2015 - 07:00 PM

Things to say at work

 

 

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a ****.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hades with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

 

 

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#1439 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted November 19, 2015 - 10:52 AM

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband. "Let's try the reverse. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man goes at it with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"


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#1440 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted November 19, 2015 - 05:40 PM

https://www.facebook...40912846051878/


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