Official Joke Thread
Posted November 06, 2015 - 08:45 PM
- tractorgarden, EricR and oldedeeres have said thanks
Posted November 07, 2015 - 04:02 AM
From a girl I know:
Sorry, but I need to vent!! So I went to Target to get some clearance Halloween stuff. I noticed this lady was staring at me in the same aisle I was in. No biggie. I moved to the next aisle and here she comes. Again... STARING! So now I'm like, What is her problem?! I finish up my shopping and head to the check out line. Of course who is there ahead of me but this same lady. She turns around and starts staring again. So I start playing with my phone so I don't have to look at her. Finally she says "I want to apologize for staring at you, but you look just like my daughter who just passed away." I felt really bad after that and gave her my condolences. She says "Thank you...but I have a favor to ask. I know it's weird and understand if you don't want to, but can you give me a hug and say 'Bye Mama' to me?" Inside I was like Really?!??!, but understanding grief the way that I do, I went ahead and did it. She smiles, thanks me, and leaves. The cashier rings up my stuff and the total comes out to $100.87. I knew something wasn't right, because it should have been like $40 or so. The cashier then tells me that my total was included with my mom's. I'm like, "What?!!!" She said, "Your mom said you were paying for her last few items along with your things. I told her that the woman was most definitely NOT my mom. She said, well I saw you hug her and heard you call her mama. I'm like OMG...I flew out of the store looking for this witch, ready to get with her, I see her loading up her car! She saw me and jumped in her car, I got to her as she was putting her leg in, and I started pulling her leg...just like I'm pulling yours right now! Hahaha... if I got you good, feel free to copy and paste and share the laughter with your friends. Happy Friday!!
- tractorgarden and Auburn David have said thanks
Posted November 07, 2015 - 10:30 AM
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.
It looked good.
It smelled good.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull he wins."
- KennyP, tractorgarden, EricR and 3 others have said thanks
Posted November 08, 2015 - 10:03 PM
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."
- KennyP, tractorgarden, WNYTractorTinkerer and 2 others have said thanks
Posted November 09, 2015 - 07:58 AM
- KennyP, tractorgarden, adamjd200 and 1 other said thanks
Posted November 09, 2015 - 11:15 AM
An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.
The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die, but we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it!
- kellerman88 said thank you
Posted November 09, 2015 - 01:50 PM
- oldedeeres said thank you
Posted November 09, 2015 - 09:36 PM
This man walks into the bar and orders a double jack , belts it back orders another one before the bartender can put the cap on, belts that one back and says who's the toughest guy in the bar the tender says Jack playing pool the guy gets of the bar stool and says to Jack are you a tough guy, Jack says I can handle my self the guy decks Jack with one punch turns around and leaves. For the next three days in a row THE SAME THING HAPPENS the bartender is losing his best drinking customers to this guy something had to be done . The bartender went to see his friend a zoo keeper and asked if he could borrow the gorilla for a day his friend agreed the bartender put the gorilla in the men's room and waited for the guy to come in. Sure enough like clock work the guy came in had his shots and asked who you got today, the bartender said he's in the men's room but you better watch out this guy is a bad ass . the guy gets of the stool goes inside the bathroom and all hell breaks loose, glass shattering walls breaking, suddenly the door opens the guy steps out dust's himself off and tells the bartender when that black guy comes too tell him his fur coat is in the garbage can.
- WNYTractorTinkerer, oldedeeres and Auburn David have said thanks
Posted November 10, 2015 - 07:06 AM
- Auburn David said thank you
Posted November 10, 2015 - 11:37 AM
- HANKG said thank you
Posted November 10, 2015 - 06:19 PM
Shortly after I got married, I was invited out for a night out with the boys. I told the wife that I would be home by midnight...
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock.
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling."
- olcowhand, MH81, KennyP and 4 others have said thanks
Posted November 11, 2015 - 09:01 PM
- oldedeeres said thank you
Posted November 11, 2015 - 09:34 PM
This old man gets put in a nursing home by his son who can no longer care for him, after three days the old man calls his son and says you gotta get me out of here I hate it , the son replies give it a chance dad you only been there three days. On the fourth nite a young pretty nurse comes in the room and takes care of the old man, the next day he calls his son and tells him about it and says you were right I think everything will be ok, feeling pretty spry the old man decides to take a walk as he's going down the hall he slips and falls and calls for help, a black orderly shows up and has his way with the old man. The old man calls his son telling him you gotta get me out of here and tells him what happened disbelieving his son says come on pop you just told me everything was good the pretty nurse came in and took care of you what's the problem and the old man says I get a hard on once a year but I fall down three times a day.
- tractorgarden said thank you
Posted November 11, 2015 - 09:46 PM
- Bruce Dorsi said thank you
Posted November 12, 2015 - 10:50 AM
A young man gets a job as an assistant manager in produce at a supermarket , he's doing very well and the store manager is taking notice, one day an old man comes in and wants to buy a half head of lettuce the young man says sorry sir we only sell whole heads the old man persists the young manger tells the old man he will speak to the store manager and he turns and walks away, not knowing the old man is right behind him, when he see's the store manager he says some aschole wants to buy a half head of lettuce as he turns laughing he see's the old man and says and this fine man bought the other half the store manager impressed with the young mans save asks where did you come from, that was really slick Canada sir why did you leave ? the young man replied nothing but whores and hockey player's up there the store manager says my wife was from Canada and what team did she play for sir.
Edited by HANKG, November 12, 2015 - 10:51 AM.
- tractorgarden, LilysDad and Auburn David have said thanks