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Official Joke Thread


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#1411 HANKG OFFLINE  

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Posted November 09, 2015 - 09:36 PM

This man walks into the bar and orders a double jack , belts it back orders another one before the bartender can put the cap on, belts that one back and says who's the toughest guy in the bar the tender says Jack playing pool the guy gets of the bar stool and says to Jack are you a tough guy, Jack says I can handle my self the guy decks Jack with one punch turns around and leaves. For the next three days in a row THE SAME THING HAPPENS the bartender is losing his best drinking customers to this guy something had to be done . The bartender went to see his friend a zoo keeper and asked if he could borrow the gorilla for a day his friend agreed the bartender put the gorilla in the men's room and waited for the guy to come in. Sure enough like clock work the guy came in had his shots and asked who you got today, the bartender said he's in the men's room but you better watch out this guy is a bad ass . the guy gets of the stool goes inside the bathroom and all hell breaks loose, glass shattering walls breaking, suddenly the door opens the guy steps out dust's himself off and tells the bartender when that black guy comes too tell him his fur coat is in the garbage can.


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#1412 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 10, 2015 - 07:06 AM

12196187_974865635932647_6885058508954430032_n.jpg

 

843aa83cd505a91748ac6e78790f8f3b7bd8bdbf.jpeg


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#1413 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 10, 2015 - 11:37 AM

11061244_930225323730012_5504272388553808917_n.jpg


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#1414 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted November 10, 2015 - 06:19 PM

Shortly after I got married, I was invited out for a night out with the boys. I told the wife that I would be home by midnight...

Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling."


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#1415 HANKG OFFLINE  

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Posted November 11, 2015 - 09:01 PM

This guy goes to his dentist with his jaw swollen real bad from an impacted wisdom tooth, you could almost feel the throbbing pain, the dentist say's let me have a look, shakes his head and tells the guy it has to come out let me get you numb and we'll take care of it. The guy says no novacane the dentist tells the guy this is an impacted tooth its going to hurt like hell, the guy says no again with that the dentist reaches into his pocket and pulls out two little BLUE pills and hands them to his patient,the guys says what are these going to do ? the dentist says it will give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out.
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#1416 HANKG OFFLINE  

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Posted November 11, 2015 - 09:34 PM

This old man gets put in a nursing home by his son who can no longer care for him, after three days the old man calls his son and says you gotta get me out of here I hate it , the son replies give it a chance dad you only been there three days. On the fourth nite a young pretty nurse comes in the room and takes care of the old man, the next day he calls his son and tells him about it and says you were right I think everything will be ok, feeling pretty spry the old man decides to take a walk as he's going down the hall he slips and falls and calls for help, a black orderly shows up and has his way with the old man. The old man calls his son telling him you gotta get me out of here and tells him what happened disbelieving his son says come on pop you just told me everything was good the pretty nurse came in and took care of you what's the problem and the old man says I get a hard on once a year but I fall down three times a day.


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#1417 HANKG OFFLINE  

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Posted November 11, 2015 - 09:46 PM

This elderly gentleman is in a nursing home, but is in remarkable shape, he often makes the rounds visiting the ladies and chatting with them one day the subject of sex comes up while he's with one of them and he asks how about you and me the woman says oh I don't know he quickly replies nothing crazy just a hand job she agrees everything is going good until he is no longer coming to her room curious, she looks for him and finds him in the room of another woman furious , she asks what does she have that I don't have and old man says Parkinson's.
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#1418 HANKG OFFLINE  

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Posted November 12, 2015 - 10:50 AM

A young man gets  a job as an assistant manager in produce at a supermarket , he's doing very well and the store manager is taking notice, one day an old man comes in and wants to buy a half head of lettuce the young man says sorry sir we only sell whole heads the old man persists the young manger tells the old man he will speak to the store manager and he turns and walks away, not knowing the old man is right behind him, when he see's the store manager he says some aschole wants to buy a half head of lettuce as he turns laughing he see's the old man and says and this fine man bought the other half the store manager impressed with the young mans save asks where did you come from, that was really slick Canada sir why did you leave ? the young man replied nothing but whores and hockey player's up there the store manager says my wife was from Canada and what team did she play for sir.


Edited by HANKG, November 12, 2015 - 10:51 AM.

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#1419 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 12, 2015 - 12:54 PM

Some of these are just CRUEL


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#1420 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted November 12, 2015 - 02:00 PM

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"


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#1421 tater195 OFFLINE  

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Posted November 12, 2015 - 03:30 PM

Gary Pinkel

 

Thats all I got, but he is the biggest joke I can think of right now


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#1422 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted November 12, 2015 - 05:25 PM

The Pope was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off-shore. A helpless man, wearing an English rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.

As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Welsh, Irish and Scottish rugby jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the hapless English fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatred between the Celts and England rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies: "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"


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#1423 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted November 12, 2015 - 06:24 PM

A Blonde's Concern

 

 

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A blonde was reading a newspaper and the headline reads 12 Brazillians are found dead.

She shakes her head and shows the paper to a man seated next to her. "God, that's just terrible. What a tragic loss of life", she cries.

The man next to her nods his head in agreement. "Yes it is sad", he replies.

After a moment the blonde wipes at her tears, turns to the guys and says "Maybe you know the answer. Just how many is a brazillian anyways...."

 

 

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#1424 MH81 OFFLINE  

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Posted November 12, 2015 - 07:15 PM

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"



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#1425 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted November 12, 2015 - 07:54 PM

Every Saturday morning a man goes fishing. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, takes the dog and off he goes...all day long. One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, makes his picnic, grabs the dog and climbs into the car.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down like a monsoon. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing at 40mph. He returns the car to the garage, goes into the house and flicks on the weather forecast. He finds it's going to be bad all day long, so he returns the dog to its basket, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers: "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies: "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"


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