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Official Joke Thread


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#1396 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted November 03, 2015 - 06:49 PM

 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers
that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him
down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ....... so does she.

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#1397 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 04, 2015 - 03:33 AM

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A friendly reminder from the staff, no political crap!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

:bigrofl:  :bigrofl: :bigrofl:  :bigrofl:  

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Edited by Cat385B, November 04, 2015 - 08:14 PM.
Political crap - literally

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#1398 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted November 04, 2015 - 10:28 AM

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Bob, you picked up a real witch this time!"


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#1399 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 04, 2015 - 08:01 PM

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
 
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
 
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
 
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
 
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
 
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
 
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
 
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
 
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
 
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
 
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'  
 
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters-
 
 
 
 
 
 
No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

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#1400 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 04, 2015 - 08:05 PM

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#1401 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted November 05, 2015 - 01:26 AM

So you think you're having a bad day?       Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't put enough postage on a letter bomb. At the post office it was stamped "return to sender" and landed in his mail box three weeks later. Forgetting that he had sent it he opened it and was blown to bits.      There, don't you feel better now?


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#1402 TAHOE OFFLINE  

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Posted November 06, 2015 - 08:29 AM

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#1403 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted November 06, 2015 - 11:08 AM

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."


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#1404 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 06, 2015 - 08:45 PM

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#1405 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 07, 2015 - 04:02 AM

From a girl I know:

 

Sorry, but I need to vent!! So I went to Target to get some clearance Halloween stuff. I noticed this lady was staring at me in the same aisle I was in. No biggie. I moved to the next aisle and here she comes. Again... STARING! So now I'm like, What is her problem?! I finish up my shopping and head to the check out line. Of course who is there ahead of me but this same lady. She turns around and starts staring again. So I start playing with my phone so I don't have to look at her. Finally she says "I want to apologize for staring at you, but you look just like my daughter who just passed away." I felt really bad after that and gave her my condolences. She says "Thank you...but I have a favor to ask. I know it's weird and understand if you don't want to, but can you give me a hug and say 'Bye Mama' to me?" Inside I was like Really?!??!, but understanding grief the way that I do, I went ahead and did it. She smiles, thanks me, and leaves. The cashier rings up my stuff and the total comes out to $100.87. I knew something wasn't right, because it should have been like $40 or so. The cashier then tells me that my total was included with my mom's. I'm like, "What?!!!" She said, "Your mom said you were paying for her last few items along with your things. I told her that the woman was most definitely NOT my mom. She said, well I saw you hug her and heard you call her mama. I'm like OMG...I flew out of the store looking for this witch, ready to get with her, I see her loading up her car! She saw me and jumped in her car, I got to her as she was putting her leg in, and I started pulling her leg...just like I'm pulling yours right now! Hahaha... if I got you good, feel free to copy and paste and share the laughter with your friends. Happy Friday!!


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#1406 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted November 07, 2015 - 10:30 AM

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull he wins."


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#1407 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted November 08, 2015 - 10:03 PM

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."


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#1408 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted November 09, 2015 - 07:58 AM

3 Drunk Yoopers

 

 

3 drunk Yooper's fishing in a boat on Brevort lake and the 1st one falls overboard.. So the 2nd drunk jumps in the water and drags this body out, into the boat and begins giving him mount-to-mouth resuscitation. He suddenly stops and says to the 3rd drunk, "MAN, I DONT REMEMBER BOB'S BREATH SMELLING THIS BAD" and the 3rd drunk says "YEAH, AND I DONT REMEMBER BOB WEARING A SNOMOBILE SUIT EITHER".

 

 

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#1409 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted November 09, 2015 - 11:15 AM

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die, but we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it!

P-O-S-S-E!"


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#1410 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 09, 2015 - 01:50 PM

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