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Official Joke Thread


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#1366 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted October 18, 2015 - 09:32 PM


=============


*_1_**_._**_Law of Mechanical Repair_**- *After your hands
become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and
you'll have to pee.


*_2._**_Law of Gravity _**- *Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when
dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.


*_3._**_Law of Probability _**- *The probability of being
watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


*_4._**_Law of Random Numbers _*- If you dial a wrong number,
you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.


*_5._**_Variation Law _**- *If you change lines (or traffic
lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one
you are in now.


*_6._**_Law of the Bath _*- When the body is fully immersed in
water, the telephone will ring.


*_7._**_Law of Close Encounters _**- *The probability of meeting
someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.


*_8._**_Law of the Result _**- *When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!


*_9._**_Law of Biomechanics_**- *The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.


*_10_**_._**_Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena _*- At any event,
the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always
arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats
several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave
early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The
folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long
gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the
performance.


*_11._**_The Coffee Law _*- As soon as you sit down to a cup of
hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will
last until the coffee is cold.


*_12._**_Murphy's Law of Lockers _*- If there are only 2 people
in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


*_13._**_Law of Physical Surfaces _**-*
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a
floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet or rug.


*_14._**_Law of Logical Argument _**- *Anything is possible IF
you don't know what you are talking about.


*_15._**_Law of Physical Appearance _**- *If the clothes fit,
they're ugly.


*16.**_Law of Public Speaking _*-- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!


*_17._**_Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy_**- *As soon as
you find a product that you really like, they will stop making
it OR the store will stop selling it!


*_18._**_Doctors' Law _**- *If you don't feel well, make an
appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there,
you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll
stay sick.



*If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button
will unscrew and fall out. *

*Really... It must be true. I read it on the Internet!***
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#1367 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted October 18, 2015 - 09:34 PM

Are you having trouble with a monkey butt? Try this.   http://www.antimonkeybutt.com/

 

Sure, they make something for Dave. Me? I get nothing! I did a Google search for Cat's Ass Powder? Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.  :mad2:


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#1368 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted October 19, 2015 - 02:21 AM

Maybe the MonkeyButt powder will be needed here:

 

12079517_500614246765610_5192927713584334765_n.jpg


Edited by WNYTractorTinkerer, October 19, 2015 - 02:22 AM.

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#1369 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted October 19, 2015 - 06:23 AM

image.jpg image.jpg image.jpg image.jpg image.jpg
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#1370 TAHOE ONLINE  

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Posted October 19, 2015 - 07:39 AM

=============


*_1_**_._**_Law of Mechanical Repair_**- *After your hands
become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and
you'll have to pee.


*

12096492_522482131247878_2838534064159301684_n.jpg


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#1371 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted October 19, 2015 - 09:03 PM

 What a way to start the day!

There I was on my way to Wal-Mart... getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... wasn't even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood ... and then ... I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car ... and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
"I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and said, "Well, which one are you then?"
............. and that's when the fight started

 

__________________
_________________________________

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#1372 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted October 23, 2015 - 03:18 PM

11898666_1031757460189333_8880183275140335390_n.jpg


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#1373 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted October 23, 2015 - 03:27 PM

11043053_693318840773052_6190782819736415904_n.jpg


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#1374 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted October 23, 2015 - 03:29 PM

10610537_772019409527976_2552515233935907830_n.jpg


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#1375 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted October 23, 2015 - 07:36 PM

12105879_1095199603847596_5837961025142678381_n.jpg

 

12109225_984065568327608_7227067760367812889_n.jpg

 

eKvfkE1l.jpg


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#1376 HANKG ONLINE  

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Posted October 26, 2015 - 05:50 PM

A man goes to the doctor for a physical, the doc tells him to lie down on the examining table and begins his exam. He looks in the mans eyes using the light looks in his ears , puts on the stethoscope and is listening to the mans heart when he suddenly stops, and tells the man he will have to stop masturbating the man with a shocked look on his face asks why ? The doc says so I can finish my exam.


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#1377 HANKG ONLINE  

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Posted October 26, 2015 - 06:36 PM

A man goes into a deli for his coffee steps outside and opens the lid looks down the street and see's a large funeral procession two stretch limos and a man walking a dog behind them, and two hundred men walking behind him! intrigued by what he see's he express's his sorrow and asks the man with the dog what happened the man replied the dog killed my wife in the first car, my mother in law tried to intervene and the dog killed her too in the second car. With a twinkle in his eye the man asked if he could borrow the dog, he was told he'd have to get in line.
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#1378 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted October 27, 2015 - 01:38 PM

12112215_991398084251904_8297500305981515302_n.jpg


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#1379 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted October 27, 2015 - 08:29 PM

What ever happened to Cinderella?

 

 

What ever happened to Cinderella?

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied,
"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.


Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,
"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat,
into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

biggrin.gif Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close,
blowing her golden hair
with his warm breath
as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

 

 

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#1380 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted October 28, 2015 - 12:59 AM

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