Jump to content

Nominations for Tractor of the Month
Garden Tractors and Parts on eBay



Photo
* * * * * 2 votes

Official Joke Thread


  • Please log in to reply
2181 replies to this topic

#121 Toolpartzman OFFLINE  

Toolpartzman

    Fun With Horsepower

  • Senior Member
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Member No: 7171
  • 468 Thanks
  • 1,280 posts
  • Location: Little Rock,AR

Posted February 13, 2012 - 04:18 PM

Good ones Maynard :dancingbanana: :dancingbanana:

#122 mjodrey OFFLINE  

mjodrey

    Accumulator

  • Senior Member
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 92
  • 2,343 Thanks
  • 13,481 posts
  • Location: Upper Granville, Nova Scotia, Canada

Posted February 13, 2012 - 04:48 PM

The Blonde and the Lord

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"No, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

  • MH81, GTTinkerer, tractorgarden and 2 others have said thanks

#123 KennyP OFFLINE  

KennyP

    FORDoholic

  • Super Moderator
  • Staff
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 2253
  • 28,355 Thanks
  • 39,630 posts
  • Location: Collinsville, Oklahoma

Posted February 13, 2012 - 06:53 PM

:bigrofl: :bigrofl:

#124 tractorgarden OFFLINE  

tractorgarden

    Junk Whisperer

  • Senior Member
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Member No: 2291
  • 1,277 Thanks
  • 1,432 posts
  • Location: northwest pa

Posted February 13, 2012 - 09:49 PM

yes ,a good one!

#125 MH81 ONLINE  

MH81

    Proud to be Deplorable

  • Staff Admin
  • Staff
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 802
  • 27,210 Thanks
  • 28,584 posts
  • Location: N. W. PA

Posted February 13, 2012 - 10:49 PM

I started reading that to my wife, I got about 1/2 way thru & she said "Ice Skating Rink"

She's Blonde BTW... Might've been a story about her, but she's not telling.

#126 MH81 ONLINE  

MH81

    Proud to be Deplorable

  • Staff Admin
  • Staff
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 802
  • 27,210 Thanks
  • 28,584 posts
  • Location: N. W. PA

Posted February 18, 2012 - 04:36 PM

ANYONE ALLERGIC TO BAD PUNS, READ NO FURTHER!
Got this in an email. :rofl2:

-Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

-A jumper cable walks into a bar. The Bartender says, “I'll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

-Two peanuts walk into a bar. One of them was a salted.

-A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

-A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He orders a beer & one for the road.

-Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other “Does this taste funny to you?”

-“Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It''s not Unusual...”

-An invisible man marries an invisible woman, the kids weren't much to look at either.

-Definition: Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this Bull before.

-I went to find some camo pants the other day, but I couldn't find any.

-I went to a seafood disco the other week... and pulled a mussel.

-What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

-Two fish are swimming when one runs into a wall. He turns to his friend and exclaims “Dam!”

-Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in their craft. Not surprisingly, it sank.
Proving once again, you can't have your kayak & heat it too.

-A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel & proceeded to congregate in the lobby to discuss their recent tournament victories. After an hour, the manager asked them to disperse. When the group asked why, the manager replied, “Because, I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

-A woman has identical twins, and has to give them up for adoption. One is adopted by an Egyptian family & is named Ahmal, the other is adopted by a Spanish family & named Juan.
Years later, Juan tracks down his birth mother & sends her a picture. She says to her husband that she would love to have a picture of Ahmal also.
The husband asks “Why, they're identical... if you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal”

-Mahatma Gandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time. This produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet, he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a Super-Calloused, Fragile, Mystic, hexed by Halitosis.

-A dwarf who was a mystic escaped from jail. The APB went out for a small medium at large...
  • grand, mjodrey, wvbuzzmaster and 4 others have said thanks

#127 Michiganmobileman OFFLINE  

Michiganmobileman

    Old Tractor Addict

  • Senior Member
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 5678
  • 1,235 Thanks
  • 1,842 posts
  • Location: Barryton, Michigan

Posted February 18, 2012 - 09:46 PM

Very, very punny :laughingteeth:
  • MH81 said thank you

#128 HowardsMF155 ONLINE  

HowardsMF155

    Tractorholic

  • Senior Member
  • Member No: 4243
  • 2,698 Thanks
  • 2,916 posts
  • Location: Central NC

Posted February 18, 2012 - 10:15 PM

"Mahatma Gandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time. This produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet, he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a Super-Calloused, Fragile. Mystic, hexed by Halitosis."

Wife and I loved this one! :bigrofl:
  • mjodrey said thank you

#129 mjodrey OFFLINE  

mjodrey

    Accumulator

  • Senior Member
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 92
  • 2,343 Thanks
  • 13,481 posts
  • Location: Upper Granville, Nova Scotia, Canada

Posted February 19, 2012 - 06:08 AM

"Mahatma Gandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time. This produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet, he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a Super-Calloused, Fragile. Mystic, hexed by Halitosis."

Wife and I loved this one! :bigrofl:





:bigrofl: :bigrofl: :bigrofl:

#130 mjodrey OFFLINE  

mjodrey

    Accumulator

  • Senior Member
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 92
  • 2,343 Thanks
  • 13,481 posts
  • Location: Upper Granville, Nova Scotia, Canada

Posted February 19, 2012 - 11:27 AM

They walk among us


IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back."
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change..Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2

Horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 Horsepower."
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, "NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two. » We haven't used Sears repair since..Happened in Ottawa .

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too Many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."..Story from
Collingwood, Ontario.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce'. He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce..From
Winnipeg, Manitoba

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, and «Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I Know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."..Happened in
Toronto, Ontario.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"..She is a government employee in
Montreal, P.Q

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."..This was at the Ford dealership in
Guelph, Ontario

STAY ALERT! They walk among us....
  • grand, MH81, tractorgarden and 3 others have said thanks

#131 GTTinkerer OFFLINE  

GTTinkerer

    GT Tinkerer

  • Senior Member
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 1564
  • 1,152 Thanks
  • 1,326 posts
  • Location: Mancelona, MI

Posted February 19, 2012 - 02:19 PM

Sad thing is that some of these folks probably got great grades in school and will walk around believing that they have a better education than our grandparents who quit school at 10 or 12 years old to help their families get through the first depression.

Real issue is that you can't teach common sense which now days is not really all that common.

I am glad to see that there are so many young Members on this site proving that at least some families are still teaching values.

OK, I am done you can take the soap box now.

Edited by GTTinkerer, February 19, 2012 - 02:20 PM.

  • mjodrey, MH81 and tractorgarden have said thanks

#132 broken2 OFFLINE  

broken2

    Tractorholic

  • Senior Member
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 85
  • 279 Thanks
  • 425 posts
  • Location: Upstate NY- Rochester

Posted February 19, 2012 - 04:05 PM

This is a joke that I made up a few years back:

A blonde is jogging on the beach when she comes to a pier. She decides to jog out onto the pier and at the end of it she steps on a fish discarded by a fisherman. She slips, goes over the railing and drowns. She goes to heaven where she see's an old friend that died when they were in highschool. Her friend is suprised to see her and says "wow we both died so young, what happend to you". When the blonde explains how she fell in the ocean and drowned her friend replies "that's so wierd, you were such a good swimmer, you were even on the swim team in school". The blonde repiles "yes, but there was a sign on the pier that said no swimming".
  • grand, mjodrey, tractorgarden and 3 others have said thanks

#133 Michiganmobileman OFFLINE  

Michiganmobileman

    Old Tractor Addict

  • Senior Member
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 5678
  • 1,235 Thanks
  • 1,842 posts
  • Location: Barryton, Michigan

Posted February 19, 2012 - 07:10 PM

Sad thing is that some of these folks probably got great grades in school and will walk around believing that they have a better education than our grandparents who quit school at 10 or 12 years old to help their families get through the first depression.

Real issue is that you can't teach common sense which now days is not really all that common.

I am glad to see that there are so many young Members on this site proving that at least some families are still teaching values.

OK, I am done you can take the soap box now.


Good points Bill.

#134 Toolpartzman OFFLINE  

Toolpartzman

    Fun With Horsepower

  • Senior Member
  • -GTt Supporter-
  • Member No: 7171
  • 468 Thanks
  • 1,280 posts
  • Location: Little Rock,AR

Posted February 20, 2012 - 05:34 PM

Maynard those are precious. Reminds me of this old one. The supervisor is watching carpenters nailing siding to a new home. One was particularly slow. He'd reach into his nail poach for a nail, examine it, then sometimes throw one away and sometimes not. After a few minutes the super asked why he was throwing some away? "Some have the heads on the wrong end" he replied. FOOL, the super says-"use those on the other side of the house".
  • grand, mjodrey and tractorgarden have said thanks

#135 mjodrey OFFLINE  

mjodrey

    Accumulator

  • Senior Member
  • Contributor
  • Member No: 92
  • 2,343 Thanks
  • 13,481 posts
  • Location: Upper Granville, Nova Scotia, Canada

Posted February 21, 2012 - 07:11 AM

Maynard those are precious. Reminds me of this old one.................. "Some have the heads on the wrong end" he replied. FOOL, the super says-"use those on the other side of the house".



Good one. :bigrofl: :bigrofl:

Edited by mjodrey, February 21, 2012 - 07:11 AM.





Top