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Official Joke Thread


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#1321 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted September 18, 2015 - 06:14 PM

I'm older than dirt! But then, I guess we all knew that by now,   :smilewink:  :wave:

Me too! I remember life before TV!


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#1322 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted September 19, 2015 - 06:52 AM

1604835_813930218636380_2788861378322198626_n.jpg

 

11215775_10153508077614034_1805899277942057243_n.jpg

 

12038372_951186001633944_747729882139968318_n.jpg

 

12004688_950971114988766_3220591048667933601_n.jpg


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#1323 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted September 19, 2015 - 08:08 PM

And we got more!!

 

12004862_1206753556018134_6238185666415793518_n.jpg

 

11227947_1206798419346981_337844965705180177_n.jpg

 

11222969_1206559059370917_6488198764750463624_n.jpg

 

11900000_877239295718368_6712819560223472000_n.jpg


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#1324 Gtractor ONLINE  

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Posted September 19, 2015 - 09:58 PM

joke.jpg


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#1325 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 20, 2015 - 07:44 PM

New Teacher's indoctrination

 

 

Great kicker at the end.......

Teacher's Application


After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right":

· You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning.

· And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

· You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.

· You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, how to play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

· I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, and make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or
complete any of their assignments.

· Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.

· And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.

· All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me...... NOT TO PRAY

 

 

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#1326 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted September 20, 2015 - 10:55 PM

Driving safely.... I can't use the cell phone while I'm driving, I need both hands free for gestures.


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#1327 CRFarnsworth OFFLINE  

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Posted September 21, 2015 - 07:29 AM

Driving safely.... I can't use the cell phone while I'm driving, I need both hands free for gestures.

:thumbs:  :wave:  :rocker2:   :peace:  I'm sure you are refering to all the nice happy gestures.  :D   Rick


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#1328 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted September 21, 2015 - 12:36 PM

^^ Of course I am, lol.



Think of this; in about fourty years there will be several million old ladies running around with multiple tattoos and pierced navels, now that'll be a scary sight!
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#1329 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 21, 2015 - 02:30 PM

Driving safely.... I can't use the cell phone while I'm driving, I need both hands free for gestures.

It's my understanding that Canada is a big empty country. You must be gesturing to the deer and bears. Kind of like Norf Dakootah.


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#1330 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 21, 2015 - 05:31 PM

The plan

 

 

You gotta love Robin Williams......

Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin

Williams to come up with the perfect

plan. What we need now is for our

UN Ambassador to stand up and

repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to

argue with this logic!)

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace

but I have not heard of a plan for

peace. So, here's one plan."

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good ole boys', we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be tho-

roughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available

to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort

to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them are stolen or given

to the army. The people who need

it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer

saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "
Attached Thumbnails
3117d1127160694t-plan-att1218779.jpg

 

 

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#1331 tater195 ONLINE  

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Posted September 21, 2015 - 06:53 PM

Robin Williams had a drug problem, but I agree with that post.. Hell I do some of my best thinking with a beer in my hand. You should see some of the off the wall cr@p I come up with. Roger Miller was the same way and I like his stuff, dont know where it came from, but I like it. 


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#1332 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted September 22, 2015 - 12:39 PM

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'


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#1333 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 22, 2015 - 07:00 PM

SWEDISH MATH TEST !!


A man wanted a job, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a little math test. 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Witout da numbers,' the Swede said. 'Well, ya, I tink dat's easy.' He proceeded to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asked. 'Have you got no brain?

'Tree and tree and tree make a nine,' said the Swede.

'Fair enough,' said the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Swede stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he had just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Vell, ya, here you go now.'

The boss scratched his head and said, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Vell, ya, each off da trees is dirty now. See? So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat's 99.'

The boss was getting worried that he was going to have to actually hire this goofy Swede, so he said, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Swede stared into space some more, thought how glad he was to have had lots of coffee with his breakfast, then picked up the picture again, made a little mark at the base of each tree and said, 'So. Here you go, ya? Dat's one hunnert.'

The boss looked at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'


The Swede leaned forward, pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, 'A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got a dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd. Ya? So dat makes one hunnert. So, vhen do I start?'

 

__________________

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#1334 jpackard56 OFFLINE  

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Posted September 23, 2015 - 01:30 PM

^^ Of course I am, lol.



Think of this; in about fourty years there will be several million old ladies running around with multiple tattoos and pierced navels, now that'll be a scary sight!

I'm hoping I'm completely blind or gone before that :(  What are they thinking ? That rose tatoo on the calf may start out pretty swank but if they live long enough it's likly to look like an ankle bracelet...


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#1335 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 23, 2015 - 04:40 PM

DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT OF A TREE FROM THE BACK?

 

BUBBA, A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA, DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO
VIRGINIA. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH
THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN
APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR.
IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT
FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE
COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A
TREE 'SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT
IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS.'

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, 'THAT THAR'S A WHITE PINE, 383 BOARD
FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER.'

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!

HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE
POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME
QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

'THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET.'

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN
QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!

ONE MORE TEST - THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE
FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN.
THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW
AND SAYS, 'AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?'

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, 'WHITE OAK,
242 BOARD FEET AT BEST.'

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE. A
LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE
IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS
BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, 'SEE THAT TREE OVER
THERE? 'I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!'

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, 'IDIOT, HOW THE HELL WOULD HE KNOW
WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE EVEN IF THE TREE HAD A FRONT?'

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT LOOKING AT THE GROUND
AND FINALLY REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. 'THAT THAR'S THE
FRONT,' THE REDNECK SAYS. THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS
SARCASTICALLY, 'HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE
TREE?'

BUBBA LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT
CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES,

'CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A CRAP BEHIND IT.

HE GOT THE JOB, AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!

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