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#1306 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 16, 2015 - 06:36 AM

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the caricon1.png shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk



Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engineicon1.png. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pumpicon1.png itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

 

__________________

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#1307 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 16, 2015 - 01:55 PM

Canadian Humor?

 

Lobster Story


In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking Up the wharf
carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand.

It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the
end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the
live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time -
with two live lobsters three weeks after the season Closed!"

The Newfie says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained
lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."

The Fisheries Officer says, " Trained like how?"

"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf
and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the
wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and
up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"

"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Lets take them on down the
wharf and see if it's true."

So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf
where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another!
After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, "How
about whistling?"

The Newfie says " What For?"

The Fisheries Officer says, " To call in the Lobsters"

The Newfie says, " What Lobsters?"

 

 

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#1308 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 16, 2015 - 06:51 PM

fart%20-%20heart.jpg


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#1309 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted September 17, 2015 - 02:02 AM

00X0X_kWaZOeUCYLc_600x450.jpg

 

:love:  :love:  :love:  :love:



#1310 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted September 18, 2015 - 08:32 AM

Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored and go for a stroll out through my mouth. This is NEVER a good thing!


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#1311 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 18, 2015 - 04:38 PM

OLDER THAN DIRT

"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table; and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white; but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue like the sky, and the bottom third was green like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of firetrucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza. It was called "pizza pie." When I bit in to it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down and plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home, but milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?


MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with water because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt, but those memories are the best part of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends....
=====
"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked. The good fortune to run into the ones that I do.
And the eyesight to tell the difference."
Have a great week!!!!!!

 

 

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#1312 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted September 18, 2015 - 05:57 PM

I'm older than dirt! But then, I guess we all knew that by now,   :smilewink:  :wave:


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#1313 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 18, 2015 - 06:09 PM

You say it like it's a bad thing!



#1314 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted September 18, 2015 - 06:14 PM

I'm older than dirt! But then, I guess we all knew that by now,   :smilewink:  :wave:

Me too! I remember life before TV!


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#1315 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted September 19, 2015 - 06:52 AM

1604835_813930218636380_2788861378322198626_n.jpg

 

11215775_10153508077614034_1805899277942057243_n.jpg

 

12038372_951186001633944_747729882139968318_n.jpg

 

12004688_950971114988766_3220591048667933601_n.jpg


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#1316 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted September 19, 2015 - 08:08 PM

And we got more!!

 

12004862_1206753556018134_6238185666415793518_n.jpg

 

11227947_1206798419346981_337844965705180177_n.jpg

 

11222969_1206559059370917_6488198764750463624_n.jpg

 

11900000_877239295718368_6712819560223472000_n.jpg


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#1317 Gtractor ONLINE  

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Posted September 19, 2015 - 09:58 PM

joke.jpg


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#1318 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 20, 2015 - 07:44 PM

New Teacher's indoctrination

 

 

Great kicker at the end.......

Teacher's Application


After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right":

· You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning.

· And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

· You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.

· You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, how to play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

· I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, and make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or
complete any of their assignments.

· Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.

· And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.

· All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me...... NOT TO PRAY

 

 

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#1319 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted September 20, 2015 - 10:55 PM

Driving safely.... I can't use the cell phone while I'm driving, I need both hands free for gestures.


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#1320 CRFarnsworth OFFLINE  

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Posted September 21, 2015 - 07:29 AM

Driving safely.... I can't use the cell phone while I'm driving, I need both hands free for gestures.

:thumbs:  :wave:  :rocker2:   :peace:  I'm sure you are refering to all the nice happy gestures.  :D   Rick


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