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#1291 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted September 06, 2015 - 12:19 PM

"Ain't no laughin' matter" up here in the sticks, AKA Canada, trying to register a firearm, (or anything else for that matter). Thanks to both of you for the above comments, lol. They've "made my day" once again.
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#1292 toomanytoys84 OFFLINE  

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Posted September 06, 2015 - 04:20 PM

Corollary to Murphies Law: Mechanical---- As soon as your hands get greasy your nose will start to itch and you'll have to pee.


Or you'll grab a handful of chips or a sandwich. Shrug and eat it anyway
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#1293 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 08, 2015 - 03:53 PM

 

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone - don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it.

A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

He replied "Wrong number jerk" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.)

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a jerk!" and I hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'jerk' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an jerk!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'jerk' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"

Down the road days later, I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first jerk (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW jerk, too.

I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an jerk!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two jerks to call. But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea: I called Jerk #1. "Hello?" You're an jerk!" (but I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, Jerk, a yellow house with my black BMW parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, jerk."

Then I called jerk # 2: "Hello?" he said.

"Hello Jerk," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your butt," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, jerk, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two jerks beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew.

Now, I feel better...

Masquerading as a normal person, day after day, is exhausting....

 

 

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#1294 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted September 08, 2015 - 07:51 PM

 

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone - don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it.

A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

He replied "Wrong number jerk" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.)

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a jerk!" and I hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'jerk' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an jerk!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'jerk' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"

Down the road days later, I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first jerk (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW jerk, too.

I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an jerk!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two jerks to call. But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea: I called Jerk #1. "Hello?" You're an jerk!" (but I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, Jerk, a yellow house with my black BMW parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, jerk."

Then I called jerk # 2: "Hello?" he said.

"Hello Jerk," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your butt," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, jerk, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two jerks beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew.

Now, I feel better...

Masquerading as a normal person, day after day, is exhausting....

 

 

 

I got nothing!



#1295 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 08, 2015 - 08:25 PM

What do you want? Do you want your money back?


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#1296 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted September 08, 2015 - 08:29 PM

What do you want? Do you want your money back?

I will take some money...



#1297 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted September 08, 2015 - 11:02 PM

What do you want? Do you want your money back?

No I meant I'm speech less. 


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#1298 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted September 08, 2015 - 11:56 PM

                                                               "Towel Heads"

       Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note:

We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed that the Islamic Terrorists who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact, is a small folded sheet. Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads". Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.


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#1299 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted September 10, 2015 - 02:49 AM

3l64fK0.jpg


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#1300 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted September 10, 2015 - 02:51 AM

11406835_10152852814247595_2992719405723738775_n.jpg


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#1301 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 10, 2015 - 12:39 PM

buck.png


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#1302 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 11, 2015 - 07:53 PM

Hot item in grocery stores in Arkansas

 

 

Next time you are in the store, look for this item. They probably will be sold out, but you might can get the manager to order it for you.
Attached Thumbnails
17624d1442017067t-hot-item-grocery-store

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#1303 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 14, 2015 - 07:04 AM

If Microsoft made cars

At COMDEX recently, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computericon1.png industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technologyicon1.png like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your caricon1.png would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new caricon1.png.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engineicon1.png.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliableicon1.png, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning lighticon1.png.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new caricon1.png was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. Oh yeah, and last but not least . . . you'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off!

 


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#1304 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 14, 2015 - 12:48 PM

If you can't find something here, maybe you should switch!

 

 

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
1) Three words: Monday Night Football

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
2) You understand why The Three Stooges are funny.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
3) You know stuff about tanks.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
5) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
8) You can open all your own jars.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every
shot of somebody crying.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
13) All your orgasms are real.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
15) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the
boards).

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
17) Movie nudity is always female.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
19) Your last name stays put.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone
secretly hates you.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
22) You can kill your own food.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
23) The garageicon1.png is all yours.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
27) You never have to cleanicon1.png a toilet.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
32) your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
33) The National College Cheerleading Championshipicon1.png.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
34) You don't have to shave below your neck.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
38) You can write your name in the snowicon1.png.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
41) Chocolate is just another snack.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seaticon1.png.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
44) Flowers fix everything.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
49) You can eat a banana in a hardware storeicon1.png.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about
what people will think.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
51) Foreplay is optional.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
57) Car mechanicsicon1.png tell you the truth.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
58) You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
59) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever
thinking "He must be mad at me".

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
60) The world is your urinal.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's
about to leave you.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
64) One mood, all the time

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
66) You never have to driveicon1.png on to another gas station because this one's
just too skeevy.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
67) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
69) Same work...more pay!

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
79) ESPN's SportsCenter.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
81) Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
your other friends you've changed.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong buddies.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in
the mood.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer
or throw it across the room.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice
anything different?"

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
99) Baywatch

Reasons it's good to be a guy:
100) There's always a game on somewhere.

 

__________________

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#1305 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted September 16, 2015 - 01:25 AM

I stopped by the Ford dealership yesterday to look at a new F150 pickup. Just for fun I took it out for a test drive. The salesman,( a guy wearing a "Tr udeau for Change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest, and he went on to explain that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and cool air to your butt in the heat of summer. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Conservative truck. Looking a bit angry he asked why I thought it was a Conservative truck. I explained that if it were a Trudeau truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass all year round.

I had to walk back to the dealership------ damn guy had no sense of humour!


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