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#1276 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 01, 2015 - 06:16 PM

No. No, I didn't. When I post things I have to consider my audience.


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#1277 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted September 02, 2015 - 12:08 PM

Thank you,^^, but now the world knows how things really are!!
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#1278 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 02, 2015 - 05:17 PM

How to Medicate your Pet

 

 

CAT:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill
in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
Close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and
push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut
for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair Curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to
one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto
neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last
tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little b******'s front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty
pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and
pour 2 liters of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on
way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from **** and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOG:

1) Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter.
2) Make him beg.

 

 

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#1279 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted September 03, 2015 - 12:04 AM

That ^  is flipping hilarious, (and true). I haven't laughed so hard in ages.   Thank you.    :bigrofl:


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#1280 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 03, 2015 - 06:57 AM

I quit at #6. I'm not that stupid, when they do that growl thing, I take the hint!



#1281 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted September 03, 2015 - 07:36 AM

We took our cat to one of those hospital thingies.

They sedated her and treated her mouth .
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#1282 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted September 03, 2015 - 08:21 AM

Oh . cat pills

Darn alltimers

My wife will take care of those .

She is better at handling unruly cats .

#1283 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 03, 2015 - 06:55 PM

                            HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

 
1.  Go to Goodwill; buy a pair of size 14-16 boots.
 
2.  Place them on your front porch along with a copy of "Guns and  Ammo" magazine.
 
3.  Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
 
4.  Leave a note of the door that reads:
 
 
 
Bubba,
 
Me and Marcel, Donny Ray and Earl went to get more beer and ammo.  Be
back in an hour.  Don't mess with the Pitt Bulls.  They got the
mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.
 

I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all that
blood.  Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.  Better wait
outside.  Be right back.
 
Cooter

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#1284 Username OFFLINE  

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Posted September 04, 2015 - 10:02 AM

dangerous.jpeg


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#1285 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 04, 2015 - 07:24 PM

 

 

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk Duds," your sense of humor is broken.

= = = = = = = = = =

"Now this message is for America's most famous athletes: Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have ... John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...

Move to Guam.
Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do ...
Do Not Go!!!

I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

"Bananas," he said.

"For the potassium?" I asked.

"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot .... but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.
It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over ****. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.
I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

"Two Bags.
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#1286 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted September 05, 2015 - 11:51 AM

Corollary to Murphies Law:  Mechanical---- As soon as your hands get greasy your nose will start to itch and you'll have to pee.


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#1287 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted September 05, 2015 - 05:27 PM

Corollary to Murphies Law:  Mechanical---- As soon as your hands get greasy your nose will start to itch and you'll have to pee.

That sounds just about right!


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#1288 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 05, 2015 - 05:58 PM

Georgia Girls

Three menwere sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duities.

The first man married a woman from Alabama and bragged that he had
told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that
needed doneat their house. H e saidthat it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were washed
and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any result's, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Georgisa girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keepthe house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second dayhe didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye!

 
Really? Anyone here from Georgia???
 

 

 

Edited by LilysDad, September 05, 2015 - 05:59 PM.

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#1289 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 05, 2015 - 06:27 PM

Confusion at the Canadian Firearms Registry

Good afternoon. Bonjour. You have reached the federal firearms registry. Thank you for waiting. Please hold.

Federal firearms registry. Your call is important to us. One moment please.

Good afternoon. Federal firearms registry. How may I help you?

Pardon me? You're wondering about the, excuse me, the what precisely? Sorry, ma'am, I must have misheard ... oh, oh, OK! I see now. What's happened here, ma'am, is that you have dialed the federal firearms registry. What you want is the federal breast-implant registry, and unfortunately I can't help you there, either. The federal breast-implant registry does not yet exist, and probably never will. It's merely a proposal -- this is true -- a private member's bill introduced in Parliament this week by Winnipeg North Centre NDP MP Judy Wasylycia-Leis, the idea being to create a government list of all women who have ever had breast enlargements, so that if implants are later recalled or deemed hazardous, the patients can be contacted swiftly and surely. Many of the 100,000-200,000 Canadian women with breast enhancement seem to be of the view, however, that they can look out for their own health warnings, and that their surgeries were private matters between them and their doctors, none of the government's business. Long story short, no federal breast implant registry, OK? No, no, no, ma'am. No need to apologize. You're not the first to call. Have a good day.

Good afternoon. Federal firearms registry. Please hold.

Good afternoon. Federal ... oh, hello, Mr. Snerbleflute! Thank you, thank you, sir, for returning my call. I realize you firearms-control management folks upstairs are terribly busy, what with registry spending now up over a billion dollars, and hundreds of millions more on the way, but if I could just _

NO! No, sir, Mr. Snerbleflute. I am not calling to complain again about how it appears that I am the one and only operator hired in the entire history of the firearms registry to handle the incoming phone calls every day. What I am calling about, sir, is a bunch of unusual calls this week, all about that breast-implant registry. Should I refer them to another number, direct them to a Web site ...?

Uh-huh. Do my best to field questions about both programs, you say? Very well, sir. Have yourself a good day, sir.

Moron.

Good afternoon. Bonjour. You have reached the federal, um, the federal ... something, whatever, stuff-and-things registry. How may I help you?

Yes, ma'am. No, ma'am. With all due respect, what you say is untrue. No one has sprung this, as you say, "latest federal deal" on you out of the blue. I'm just doing my job, ma'am. By law, you were required to register yours some time ago. Now, what size is it?

Which one? You have more than one? I take it you're calling from the Prairies. I'm guessing ... Saskatchewan? Oh, just call it intuition. So how many do you currently have in your possession -- two, four, 19, 33? What you mean, of course two? Hey, no need for that tone. Let's just start with the first one. How big is it?

Same as the other one? What, you have, like, a matching set? Classics, I suppose, hanging off your hips in some fancy leather-and-rhinestone holster -- is that it?

Hello? Ma'am? Hello? Are you still there? The calibre, ma'am. I need to know the calibre.

Good to fair calibre, you say, and some have even suggested fantastic? No, I meant what size are they, specifically? Double D? Both? Hmmm. I'll have to check the manual on that. I don't seem to recall a DD. Unless ... do you by any chance mean BB? Because if you mean BB, that's awfully small, way below the registration requirement. You're certainly no threat to anyone if you're only packing a pair of little Red Ryders.

Yes, ma'am. I shall indeed rest assured that yours are significantly larger than that. Thirty-eights, you figure? Fine. Now, you have taken the course, right, and you have your safety certificate? Yes, the safety course. Ma'am, let's be fair. You have take some personal responsibility here. After all, you are obviously in possession of a pair of deadly weapons there.

Wha ...? Why, um, why, you're welcome, I guess, and, uh, no, actually I cannot see over the phone line. So then, what you need to do is take the safe-handling course. Once you have certification, we can calculate your licence fees.

Yes, ma'am, licence fees. Yell and curse me if you must, ma'am, but I have been at this job now for five years. I have heard it all, especially from your part of the country. Next thing you are going to tell me is that you have some constitutional right of possession, that you can't get by in Saskatchewan without yours, that you inherited them from your dear, old grandpa, or that only time you ever take them out is on the farm, and then only to scare the coyotes, that, that ...

Ma'am? Hello?

Ma'am?

Good afternoon. Bonjour. Federal firearm-and-whatever registry.




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#1290 CRFarnsworth OFFLINE  

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Posted September 05, 2015 - 06:46 PM

 

Confusion at the Canadian Firearms Registry

Good afternoon. Bonjour. You have reached the federal firearms registry. Thank you for waiting. Please hold.
 

 

 

The wife and I were both laughing at this.    I had a mental image of Bob Newhart doing a monologue of this.         :bounce:     

                               Thanks for the laugh!     Rick


 


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