Official Joke Thread
Posted August 28, 2015 - 03:00 PM
LD, where are they at?
Posted August 28, 2015 - 03:37 PM
Where's what at?
Posted August 30, 2015 - 05:07 PM
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being a drunk after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house....and left it there all night.
- KennyP, tractorgarden, shorty and 6 others have said thanks
Posted August 30, 2015 - 05:38 PM
The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know the Jewish folks – they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre every one except the leader. He manages to escape back to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink.
The near dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake! It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"
- Bruce Dorsi, KennyP, oldedeeres and 1 other said thanks
Posted September 01, 2015 - 10:16 AM
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
- MH81, Bruce Dorsi, KennyP and 3 others have said thanks
Posted September 01, 2015 - 05:06 PM
IT'S GOOD TO BE A WOMAN!
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.
- oldedeeres said thank you
Posted September 01, 2015 - 05:52 PM
Now I'm confused??? Was that ^^^^^ posted by Lily"s DAD? You didnt do the Bruce Jenner Wheaties/ Fruitloop conversion did ya?
- oldedeeres said thank you
Posted September 01, 2015 - 06:16 PM
No. No, I didn't. When I post things I have to consider my audience.
- Cat385B, oldedeeres and tater195 have said thanks
Posted September 02, 2015 - 12:08 PM
- KennyP said thank you
Posted September 02, 2015 - 05:17 PM
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill
in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
Close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and
push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut
for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair Curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to
one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto
neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last
tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little b******'s front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty
pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and
pour 2 liters of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on
way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from **** and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.
1) Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter.
2) Make him beg.
- MH81, KennyP, shorty and 4 others have said thanks
Posted September 03, 2015 - 12:04 AM
That ^ is flipping hilarious, (and true). I haven't laughed so hard in ages. Thank you.
- MH81 said thank you
Posted September 03, 2015 - 06:57 AM
I quit at #6. I'm not that stupid, when they do that growl thing, I take the hint!
Posted September 03, 2015 - 07:36 AM
They sedated her and treated her mouth .
- KennyP said thank you
Posted September 03, 2015 - 08:21 AM
My wife will take care of those .
She is better at handling unruly cats .
Posted September 03, 2015 - 06:55 PM
HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to Goodwill; buy a pair of size 14-16 boots.2. Place them on your front porch along with a copy of "Guns and Ammo" magazine.3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.4. Leave a note of the door that reads:Bubba,Me and Marcel, Donny Ray and Earl went to get more beer and ammo. Be
back in an hour. Don't mess with the Pitt Bulls. They got the
mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.
I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all that
blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait
outside. Be right back.Cooter
- MH81, KennyP and oldedeeres have said thanks