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Official Joke Thread


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#1261 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted August 23, 2015 - 10:51 PM

:deadhorse:  :hitting_self_roller:

 

84682440.jpg


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#1262 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 24, 2015 - 07:24 AM

I so wish this was a video!


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#1263 TAHOE ONLINE  

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Posted August 24, 2015 - 11:43 AM

 

That must be a common core exam. I would say those were good answers, but they seem to have common sense behind them, wrong answer in common core. 


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#1264 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 24, 2015 - 05:43 PM

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
 
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
 
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
 
 
"No Problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
 
I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die.  In a rage, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
 
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
 
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Hi there. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
 
The guy sighs and says: "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. 
 
Then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
 
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "very well," the Angel announces.  "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets him enter.
 
A few seconds later, a third guy comes up to the gate. Finally he says, "And what was YOUR day like?"
 
The guy says, " OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator..."
 

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#1265 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted August 24, 2015 - 09:52 PM

:deadhorse:  :hitting_self_roller:

 

attachicon.gif84682440.jpg

Uh, that wont end well!

 

I so wish this was a video!

 

Me too!

 

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
 
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
 
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
 
 
"No Problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
 
I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die.  In a rage, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
 
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
 
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Hi there. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
 
The guy sighs and says: "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. 
 
Then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
 
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "very well," the Angel announces.  "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets him enter.
 
A few seconds later, a third guy comes up to the gate. Finally he says, "And what was YOUR day like?"
 
The guy says, " OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator..."
 

 

Now that's funny, but kinda messed up!


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#1266 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted August 26, 2015 - 07:16 AM

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
 
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
 
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
 
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

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#1267 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 26, 2015 - 09:49 AM

Sven and Ole go deer hunting

 

 

Sven and Ole go deer hunting one weekend up in Minnesota. Ole gets to his tree stand, climbs the 30 feet or so up to it, and then gets the tremedous urge to do #2. Now he really doesn't want to climb the 30 feet or so down from his tree stand to do that, and then have to climb back up it again, so he finally decides to just drop trou and do that off the edge of the seat. After completing that mission, he nods off to sleep. Pretty soon Sven comes along dragging a really nice buck. He sees his friend in his tree stand asleep and says to himself "I'm going to play a little joke on old Ole." So he guts out his deer there, leaving the gutpile directly under Ole's treestand, and resumes dragging his deer back to camp. A little while later Ole comes staggering in and says [do your best Minnesota accent here, ya hey] "Fellas ya won't believe what happened. I got up in my treestand and got a great urge to take me a dump. Awhile later I woke up and realized that I had s*** so hard that I had s*** all my guts out. But with the help of God and a forked stick I was able to get them all back in"
 

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#1268 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted August 26, 2015 - 12:36 PM

11214278_642781919197565_4083873358729204642_n.jpg


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#1269 shorty ONLINE  

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Posted August 28, 2015 - 03:00 PM

[quote name="LilysDad" post="600174" timestamp="1439765152"]I just found a treasure trove of 15 years of jokes. Should I flood the market or space them out?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------]



LD, where are they at?

#1270 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 28, 2015 - 03:37 PM

Where's what at? :brain_fart:



#1271 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 30, 2015 - 05:07 PM

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being a drunk after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house....and left it there all night.

 

 

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#1272 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 30, 2015 - 05:38 PM

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree.

The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know the Jewish folks – they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre every one except the leader. He manages to escape back to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink.

The near dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."

The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake! It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"

 

 

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#1273 TAHOE ONLINE  

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Posted September 01, 2015 - 10:16 AM

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
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#1274 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 01, 2015 - 05:06 PM

IT'S GOOD TO BE A WOMAN!

We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.

 

 

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#1275 tater195 ONLINE  

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Posted September 01, 2015 - 05:52 PM

Now I'm confused??? Was that ^^^^^ posted by Lily"s DAD? You didnt do the Bruce Jenner  Wheaties/ Fruitloop conversion did ya?


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