Jump to content
Posted August 23, 2015 - 10:51 PM
Posted August 24, 2015 - 07:24 AM
I so wish this was a video!
Posted August 24, 2015 - 05:43 PM
Posted August 24, 2015 - 09:52 PM
Uh, that wont end well!
I so wish this was a video!
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.""No Problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. In a rage, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Hi there. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."The guy sighs and says: "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.Then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets him enter.A few seconds later, a third guy comes up to the gate. Finally he says, "And what was YOUR day like?"The guy says, " OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator..."
Now that's funny, but kinda messed up!
Posted August 26, 2015 - 07:16 AM
Posted August 26, 2015 - 09:49 AM
Posted August 26, 2015 - 12:36 PM
Posted August 28, 2015 - 03:00 PM
Posted August 28, 2015 - 03:37 PM
Where's what at?
Posted August 30, 2015 - 05:07 PM
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being a drunk after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house....and left it there all night.
Posted August 30, 2015 - 05:38 PM
Posted September 01, 2015 - 10:16 AM
Posted September 01, 2015 - 05:06 PM
IT'S GOOD TO BE A WOMAN!
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.
Posted September 01, 2015 - 05:52 PM
Now I'm confused??? Was that ^^^^^ posted by Lily"s DAD? You didnt do the Bruce Jenner Wheaties/ Fruitloop conversion did ya?