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Official Joke Thread


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#1246 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted August 06, 2015 - 03:44 PM

If Bruce Jenner goes missing......

 

 

Will they put his picture on a Half & Half carton?


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#1247 adamjd200 ONLINE  

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Posted August 06, 2015 - 09:53 PM

Surprise  :D :D :D

 

That can't end well.



#1248 toomanytoys84 ONLINE  

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Posted August 10, 2015 - 01:55 PM

Did you hear about the Mexican Magician?  He was doing a magic show.  He told the audience he will disappear on the count of three.  He stands up, waves his magic wand, UNO, DOS, **POOF** he disappears. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The audience was amazed he had disappeared without a TRES!

 

 

 

 


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#1249 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 10, 2015 - 04:55 PM

>groooan<


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#1250 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted August 10, 2015 - 04:56 PM

:wallbanging:

#1251 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted August 12, 2015 - 02:11 PM

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
 
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
 
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
 
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
 
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
 
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
 
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
 
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
 
"Now tell me, what the HECK would you say?"

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#1252 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 16, 2015 - 05:45 PM

I just found a treasure trove of 15 years of jokes. Should I flood the market or space them out?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A young attractive blonde was on a plane to Montreal, her ticket was coach. *During the flight she gets up and moves to the first class section. *A flight attendant watches her do this. *The flight attendant goes up to the blonde and tells her that this is first class and that her ticket is for coach and she must return to her seat. *The blonde replies to her: "I am blonde, I am beautiful and I am going to Montreal, and I am staying right here."

After several attempts to reason with her the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and explains the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. *The co-pilot says that he will handle it. *He goes to first class and the flight attendant points out the blonde. *He goes to her and says: " Ma'am I am afraid you are going to have to move, your ticket is not for first class and you must return to your assigned seat." *The blonde replies: "I am blonde, beautiful, and I am going to Montreal, and I am staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit after the blonde refused to listen to reason. *He tells the pilot that maybe they should have the police waiting for her when they land in Montreal. *The Pilot says: "No that is not necessary, I am married to a blonde and I know how to speak blonde." *He goes to first class and leans over and whispers into the blondes ear. *Without a word the blonde gets up and returns to her seat in coach.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are absolutely amazed. *they inquire into what he said in order to get her to move without so much as a peep out of her. *To which the pilot replies: "It was really quite simple, I merely told her that 1st class was not going to Montreal."
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#1253 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted August 17, 2015 - 02:09 AM

84696415.jpg

 

11231742_1185994274751491_8665072679568903720_n.png

 

10635996_895946903771358_8115145582060418129_n.jpg


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#1254 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 19, 2015 - 07:01 AM

Subject: RCMP Frozen Carburetor Incident
Date: Aug 18, 2015 9:44 AM

Sometimes humor comes in a coarse way- but its still funny.
You know, people complain about the RCMP, (Royal Canadian Mounted Police),
But you rarely hear about the positive things that they do,such as this
one:
Frozen Carburetor Incident:
In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are
in the courtroom. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time
or place.
For example, on a bitterly cold winter's day several months ago
in Northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a
motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the
roadside.

"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"P1ss on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't." said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The constable promptly warmed
the carburetor as promised.
The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the
father of the motorbike rider.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill....."

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#1255 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted August 19, 2015 - 12:03 PM

    A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. It was a stalemate until the husband realised he had to get up early the next morning to catch a plane for a business meeting. Not willing to talk to his wife and ask her to wake him up early, (and lose the argument), he left her a note, "please wake me up at 5:00a.m." where he knew she would find it. The next morning he woke up and looked at the clock--- it was 9:a.m.!  Furious, he was ready to shout at his wife when he noticed a note pinned to her pillow------  "Hey, wake up, it's 5:a.m."

 

       Men are not equipped to handle situations like this.


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#1256 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted August 20, 2015 - 06:39 AM

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid rant was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat azz downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car when leaving the house!


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#1257 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 22, 2015 - 06:52 AM

"Management and Hot Air"

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the
ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60
degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you
told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of
your information, and the fact is I'm still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help at all.
If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you
are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are - due to a large
quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position
you were in before we met,
but now, somehow, it's my fault."

 

 

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#1258 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 22, 2015 - 01:42 PM

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
> > when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may
> > I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'; to tell ya."
> > "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
> > Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here
> > to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down
> > at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no" cries
> > Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." I must, Brenda.
> > Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
> > Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,
> > Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
> > of guinness Stout and drowned."  "Oh my dear Jesus
> > But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
> > quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got
> > out three times to pee."
> >

 

 

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#1259 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 23, 2015 - 06:37 AM

An Old Deer Hunter Goes To The Bar -

 

An old deer hunter dressed head to foot in camouflage went into a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the deer hunter and asked, “Are you a real deer hunter?”
He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life in the woods, tracking deer, stalking deer and shooting deer, so yes, I guess I am a real deer hunter.” After a short while he asked her what she was.
She replied, “I’ve never been in the woods. I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV everything makes me think about women.”
A short while later she left, the deer hunter ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, “Are you a real deer hunter?”
The deer hunter replied, “Well I always thought I was a deer hunter, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.”


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#1260 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted August 23, 2015 - 09:34 PM

84707191.jpg


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