Official Joke Thread
Posted July 09, 2015 - 05:45 PM
- Ron Dziedzic said thank you
Posted July 11, 2015 - 12:56 AM
A nice looking, calm and respectable lady walked into the drugstore, looked the pharmacist right in the eye and said," I'd like to buy some cyanide". The pharmacist wanted to know what she wanted the cyanide for. "I need it to poison my husband", she replied. The pharmacists' eyes popped out, he gasped and said "You can't do that, it's illegal, they'd have my liscense, we'd both go to jail, there's no way I'll sell it to you !" The lady calmly reached into her purse, pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to him. He looked at it for a moment and said, "Oh, you didn't tell me you have a prescription!"
- MH81, Sparky, KennyP and 1 other said thanks
Posted July 11, 2015 - 07:57 AM
The wookie vs wookie competition ?
Posted July 12, 2015 - 04:06 PM
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same. And that being an attorney, he was going to sue the truck driver, his employer and even his drivers education teacher!
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are!" he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOODNESS!" screamed the lawyer. . ."My Rolex!"
- KennyP, WNYTractorTinkerer, oldedeeres and 1 other said thanks
Posted July 13, 2015 - 05:50 AM
Edited by MH81, July 13, 2015 - 06:29 AM.
Posted July 13, 2015 - 03:57 PM
Here is the story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Village with
my ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we
were surprised by a huge alligator which suddenly emerged from the
murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
The alligator must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely
aggressive! If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I
would not be here today! Just one quick shot to my husband's kneecap was all it took.
- KennyP and CRFarnsworth have said thanks
Posted July 14, 2015 - 06:57 PM
- MH81, Bruce Dorsi and WNYTractorTinkerer have said thanks
Posted July 17, 2015 - 11:40 AM
They walk among us
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back."
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change..Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.
i have actually had this happen, same exact scenario. Told the kid to just trust me and punch the numbers into the register. He did and was astonished on how I figured that out....
- New.Canadian.DB.Owner, oldedeeres and Ron Dziedzic have said thanks
Posted July 17, 2015 - 11:49 AM
For those who travel, often the best food is a truck stop. I wonder
what the waitress would have to say if someone actually ordered their
breakfast as this guy did?
A trucker came
into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order.
He said , "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to
the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered
three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.
What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"'No,' the cook
said. Three flat tires... mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights...
is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... are 2
slices of crisp bacon!
'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and
then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'
She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
- MH81, KennyP, tractorgarden and 5 others have said thanks
Posted July 22, 2015 - 07:36 AM
I'd been looking at a pretty, brass-framed BP revolver in the case at Shattuck's Hardware for a couple of months, and boy! Was I ever proud the day I went in and plunked down the money for it! Eleven dollars in one dollar bills... and eighteen dollars in quarter and dimes. Old Man Shattuck was a great old guy, whose eyesight, thankfully, had gotten really bad over the years... he didn't recognize me as he sold me the .36 caliber pistol... he even threw in a box of pure lead balls with the pistol and percussion caps when I bought the pound of black powder.
I told Mr. Shattuck that I was anxious to shoot it and was heading straight for the dump, and asked him to show me how to load the gun. "It's pretty simple," I recall his telling me. "You measure your powder into the cylinder chamber, put a bullet over it, ram it down in with the hinged thing under the barrel, put your cap over a nipple, and you're set to shoot." I thanked him for his help and headed for the door.
"One last thing!" he called to me as I was running out the door, "Don't forget to put grease over your balls! Crisco works fine!" I didn't understand the need for the last part, but I stopped at Tony's Grocery and bought a little blue can of Crisco grease. And now... to the dump! Where bottles and cans, rats and crows were just waiting for this ol' cowboy to do 'em in!
I replayed Mr. Shattuck's instructions in my head as I laid out all my gear on the smothed-out, brown paper bag at my feet. The first thing I realized was that I didn't have anything to measure the powder with... UNTIL I remembered my knife! I carried one of those folding stag handled camper's knives- you know, the ones with a fork on one side and a spoon on the other? The spoon was perfect for what I needed! Very carefully (thank heaven there wasn't any wind blowing) I poured a spoonful of powder from the can into the spoon, then tipped the spoon up and tapped the powder into the cylinder. Sure, I spilled a bunch over because the spoon held so much more, but what the heck! Powder was cheap, back then... and I had plenty to spare...
Being a methodical kind of kid, I filled all six chambers with the powder, managing to spill as much around my feet, I suppose, as I was getting into the cylinder. I can laugh now, but when I bent over to get the bullets all the powder fell out of the cylinders onto my boots... so I had to fill them all over again! I managed to get all the chambers filled with powder and then stuck a bullet into the first cylinder... I had to really tap it in with my knife to get it started... then shoved it in as far as it would go with the rammer thing. I lost a little powder in the process, but eventually I had all six chambers loaded and ready to go. Then I put percussion caps over the things sticking out the ends of the cylinders... Oops! I forgot a couple of things!
Now, I'll admit my ignorance about a lot of things... but why I was supposed to smear Crisco on my balls is still a mystery to me. But I figured Old Man Shattuck knew what he was about, so I looked around to make sure I was alone, then dropped my pants to my knees, opened the can of Crisco and began to smear it over Lefty and Righty. Standing there in the hot summer sun, slowly massaging soft, silky grease into my scrotum... gee WHIZ! I guess the old man knew what he was talking about after all ! Welcome to the joys of shooting!
I had to force myself out of my reverie...
One last thing and then I'd be ready to shoot... I took my baseball cap off and stuffed it inside my shirt over my left nipple. Okay... I guessed I was ready (except, of course, that in my haste I'd forgotten to pull up my pants...)
Well sir, I crooked my left am out in front of my face, rested the trigger guard of the pistol in my right hand on it, drew a tight bead on an old Four Roses bottle, and squeezed the trigger. I remember a bright flash, a burning sensation on my arm and face, then something hit me square in the forehead and the lights went out.
It must have been quite sometime later when I awoke. I was laid out across the back seat of Sheriff Miller's car (I knew this from the plexi-glass partition and a previous ride when I'd been sixteen), the rider's side door was open and my feet and lower legs were hanging out. As I raised my head to look for the source of the voices I heard I felt like someone had hit me in the head with a sledgehammer. I could see two men in the dim, evening light, just outside the door and within my range of vision. At least, I thought they were two men... I could hear two speaking but they were sorta spinning around and they looked like six. From the voices I knew they were Sheriff Miller and my Dad... "... busy on another call so the volunteer fire department was the first out here," I heard the Sheriff explaining to my dad. "Mabel Krutchner called it in... said she saw smoke comin' from the dump and had heard an awful explosion over this way."
"Near as I can tell from what the firemen say, when they got here they found your boy lying over there. At first they thought he was dead. The dump was on fire all around him, his left arm and face were all black, his boots were scorched pretty badly, he had a HUGE knot on his forehead where somebody'd cold-cocked him... And... well, we think the boy's been... well, taken advantage of."
"What do you mean 'Taken advantage of?'" I heard my dad ask.
"Well, Al, it's like this," the Sheriff said. "The first men to get to your boy said he was unconscious; they found part of a gun by his body; his pants were down around his ankles, his crotch was smeared with ky jelly and he was sportin' a big boner..."
Then I heard Mr. Shattuck's voice. "I always knew there was something wrong with that boy...This will probably keep him out of the army..."
And THAT'S why I don't shoot black powder...
- Bruce Dorsi, tractorgarden, diesel nut and 5 others have said thanks
Posted July 29, 2015 - 07:44 PM
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied,
"Because you're in Ace Hardware."
- EricR, WNYTractorTinkerer, oldedeeres and 1 other said thanks
Posted July 31, 2015 - 02:47 PM
- CRFarnsworth, oldedeeres and toomanytoys84 have said thanks
Posted July 31, 2015 - 11:29 PM
Posted August 04, 2015 - 04:09 PM
A cop was sitting in his patrol car by the side of the road watching for speeders. A car crept past going 22 miles an hour, and he thought to himself," that's more dangerous than a speeder", and turned on the lights and pulled the car over. As he walked up beside the car he noticed there were five old ladies inside, two in the front seat and three in the back, all wide eyed and white as ghosts, When he asked the elderly driver if she knew how fast she was going, she said " Of course I do officer, exactly the speed limit, 22 miles per hour just like it says on the sign" The cop, realizing what had happened, chuckled and said, "I'm sorry madam, but that's not the speed limit, it's the highway number, the speed limit is 60 miles per hour." The elderly driver apologised and said with a smile that she would remember that, and got ready to go. The cop then asked her if everything was O.K. because the other ladies in the car hadn't moved a muscle or said a word in all this time. The driver just grinned and said " They'll be all right in a minute or so, we just came off Highway 189!"
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