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Official Joke Thread


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#1141 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted May 13, 2015 - 02:40 AM

Survival tips for Hump Day!

 

1.  At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a

    hair dryer at passing cars.  See if they slow down.

 

2.  Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

 

3.  Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries

    with that.

 

4.  Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN"

 

5.  Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone

    has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

 

6.  In the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual favors".

 

7.  Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

 

8.  Dont use any punctuation marks

 

9.  As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

 

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

 

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

 

12. Sing along at the opera.

 

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

 

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle

    sounds all day.

 

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party

    because you're not in the mood.

 

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard

    Jim.

 

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd

    time this week!!!!!"

 

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking

    lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

 

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to

 

    have to let one of you go”……

 

:wave:  :wave:  :wave:  :wave:  :wave: 


Edited by WNYTractorTinkerer, May 13, 2015 - 03:37 AM.

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#1142 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 13, 2015 - 06:50 AM

. . . . . and when they put you away somewhere, do you think they will let you have a laptop?


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#1143 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted May 13, 2015 - 10:15 AM

Survival tips for Hump Day!

 

1.  At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a

    hair dryer at passing cars.  See if they slow down.

 

2.  Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

 

3.  Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries

    with that.

 

4.  Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN"

 

5.  Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone

    has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

 

6.  In the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual favors".

 

7.  Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

 

8.  Dont use any punctuation marks

 

9.  As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

 

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

 

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

 

12. Sing along at the opera.

 

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

 

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle

    sounds all day.

 

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party

    because you're not in the mood.

 

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard

    Jim.

 

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd

    time this week!!!!!"

 

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking

    lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

 

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to

 

    have to let one of you go”……

 

:wave:  :wave:  :wave:  :wave:  :wave: 

Best laugh I have had in a while. 


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#1144 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted May 14, 2015 - 05:25 PM

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."


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#1145 toomanytoys84 ONLINE  

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Posted May 14, 2015 - 06:53 PM

I was driving home from work tonight and seen a girl texting awhile driving down the road. It made me so mad. All the lives lost from this and she still does this.

I started yelling out my window and she rolled hers down. I promptly threw my beer can at her!
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#1146 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted May 15, 2015 - 10:20 AM

As I've Matured...I’ve learned that…

you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
one good turn gets most of the blankets.
no matter how much I care, some people are just buttholes.
it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities or politicians.
artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it
there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, all the less important ones just never go away and the real pains in the butt are permanent.


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#1147 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 24, 2015 - 03:35 PM

 

Flawless Male Logic, Critical Thinking At Its Best!


Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man:
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20
years, you could have now bought a new Ferrari?


Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

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#1148 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted May 26, 2015 - 08:24 AM

http://s3-ec.buzzfed...354299284-1.gif


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#1149 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted May 27, 2015 - 08:37 PM

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.
 
What happened? You look terrible.'
 
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'
 
Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
 
 
Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'
 
Bartender: 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
 
Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...'
 
 
Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'
 
 
Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shyt in my eye.'
 
 
Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shyt?'
.
.
.
Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook!!'

Edited by WNYTractorTinkerer, May 27, 2015 - 10:12 PM.

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#1150 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted May 27, 2015 - 10:11 PM

:bigrofl:  :bigrofl:  :bigrofl:

 

https://www.facebook...533766/?fref=nf


Edited by WNYTractorTinkerer, May 27, 2015 - 10:12 PM.

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#1151 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted May 27, 2015 - 11:18 PM

NUFF SAID..

 

11350874_890975737654971_4307416304233108820_n.jpg


Edited by WNYTractorTinkerer, May 27, 2015 - 11:19 PM.

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#1152 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 28, 2015 - 04:45 PM

An Old Rerun but still current;

 

WORDS WOMEN USE

Fine — This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes - if she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes it you have
just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "Fine."
Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
Loud Sigh - This is not actually a word but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
That's okay — This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay“ means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay
for your mistake.
Thanks — A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say “you're welcome.”

 


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#1153 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted May 31, 2015 - 12:54 PM

  MY TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2015

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very Wet and damp there.
 My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

 

From one unstable person to another.


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#1154 toomanytoys84 ONLINE  

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Posted May 31, 2015 - 06:39 PM

As long as you never visit in Continence. I hear there are a lot of accidents and a lot of mopping to do there.

Sounds dangerous

Edited by toomanytoys84, May 31, 2015 - 06:40 PM.

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#1155 Username OFFLINE  

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Posted June 01, 2015 - 07:29 PM

Have you ever been to Paradise,Desire or Panic?

 

Punxy-Sign-for-web.jpg


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