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Official Joke Thread


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#1126 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 02, 2015 - 03:02 PM

It fits every politician I've ever heard of. (Excluding the statesmen, of course)


Edited by LilysDad, May 02, 2015 - 03:03 PM.


#1127 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted May 06, 2015 - 10:53 AM

A cowboy strolls into town on his horse fireball and goes straight to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.

He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.

He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."

"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.

"TWO!" Everybody braces for impending doom.

"Here it comes... THR..."

He is interrupted by a man in the saloon, "Wait! It was just a joke mister. Your horse is right out back... By the way, what'd you do in '71?"

The cowboy looks him dead in the eye and says, "I had to walk home."


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#1128 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 06, 2015 - 07:01 PM

For Seniors: Medicare Part G Plan

 

 


Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G.




The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!




As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politicians while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!



Is this a great country or what? Now that you have solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week!
 

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#1129 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted May 06, 2015 - 07:04 PM

Guy goes up to Alaska, wants to experience the feeling of being out in the wilderness and basically wanting to be a man of the earth and thought that Alaska was a tough enough place to be all that he could be....

gets to Alaska, goes into the local bar, explains to the bartender his plan....

she tells him there are three things that you have to do to be looked upon as being a fierce man up here.....

he smiles, let me have them he says...

1st thing - you have to hammer down a quart of the best whiskey we have, all in one serving - one swig!

2nd thing , you have to go up to the cave and kill the polar bear that lives there....

3rd thing, you have to make love to a local eskimo woman around the corner!

He said that aint to bad, I'll start with the first thing first, she pours him out a large flask of whiskey and he turns it up and drinks every single drop.....all in one large gulp!

After talking about where this polar bear was located and getting directions to the cave the whiskey was taking it effect.....

he walks up the road, staggering around and blitzed out of his mind, when he finds the cave, he enters and finds the bear, he comes back out 30 minutes later and heads back to the bar where all this started, he enters, the bartender looks at him, blood coming from every direction, cuts, bruises, clothes torn off, blacken eyes, no boots, he looks like he is just hanging on to last seconds of life.....

ok, bartender - where is this eskimo woman you want me to kill?biggrin.gif


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#1130 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted May 07, 2015 - 08:26 AM

:wave:  :wave:  :wave:

 

10371390_745661632147089_4605084643624929682_n.jpg


Edited by WNYTractorTinkerer, May 07, 2015 - 08:26 AM.

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#1131 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted May 07, 2015 - 12:34 PM

A police recruit was asked in the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?"
His reply? "Call for backup"!
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#1132 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted May 07, 2015 - 08:37 PM

A woman who always left her keys in the car was afraid to tell her husband that the car was stolen... But she never expected this response.. Read on:

My husband always scolded me for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is that the ignition is least likely place not to lose them..

His theory is that the car will get stolen..

As I burst through the door I came to a terrifying conclusion.. His theory was right! The parking lot was empty..

I immediately called the police, gave them my location and confessed that I had left the keys in the car and that it had been stolen..

Then I made the most difficult call of all.. Honey, I stammered, (I always call him Honey at times like these)..

I left the keys in the car and it has been stolen..

There was a period of silence, (I thought the call had been dropped), but then I heard his voice..

Are you kidding me?!?! He barked! I dropped you off!!

Now it was my time to be silent.. Embarrassed, I said- Well, come and get me..

I will, as soon as I convince this policeman that I haven't stolen your f#$!#@$# car!!!
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#1133 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted May 09, 2015 - 10:03 AM

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass long bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough SOB.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really wasn't any fire danger. Ill put it this way- a set of post hole diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner... let's face it to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself ether really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of dads muzzleloader pyrodex . At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie... 1lb pyrodex and 16oz ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Heck with that. I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too.


Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and let fly. As I released I heard a swish as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH CRAP he just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh. Hell. When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 MF'n decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as I could see.

It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE DAMN DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That mother got up and ran off. So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE GOLL DAMIT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000ft over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires. I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know- I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more.

Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks mom. One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later. And I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or both. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. Its good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.


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#1134 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted May 09, 2015 - 06:00 PM

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
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#1135 Kurtee OFFLINE  

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Posted May 10, 2015 - 06:01 PM

All these recollections remind me of my younger days and rights of passage. My father taught us lots of things, how to drive the tractor, milk cows and many chores. He also taught us some fun things, on of which was swimming. How he showed me was to take me to the middle of the lake in a boat and threw me in. Learning to swim was easy, getting out of the sack was the tough part.


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#1136 tater195 OFFLINE  

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Posted May 10, 2015 - 06:03 PM

All these recollections remind me of my younger days and rights of passage. My father taught us lots of things, how to drive the tractor, milk cows and many chores. He also taught us some fun things, on of which was swimming. How he showed me was to take me to the middle of the lake in a boat and threw me in. Learning to swim was easy, getting out of the sack was the tough part.

I think thats how Houdini got started



#1137 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted May 10, 2015 - 08:50 PM

costello.jpg

 

 

 

COSTELLO:  I  want to talk about the unemployment rate in America  .
 
ABBOTT: Good Subject.  Terrible Times.  It's 7.8%.
 
COSTELLO:  That many people are  out of work?
 
ABBOTT: No,  that's 14.7%.  
 
COSTELLO: You just said  7.8%.
 
ABBOTT:  7.8%   Unemployed.
 
COSTELLO:  Right 7.8% out of  work. 
 
ABBOTT: No, that's  14.7%.
 
COSTELLO:  Okay,  so it's  14.7% unemployed.
 
ABBOTT: No,  that's  7.8%. 
 
COSTELLO:  WAIT A MINUTE. Is it  7.8% or 14.7%? 
 
ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed.  14.7% are out of work. 
 
COSTELLO: If  you  are out of work you are unemployed. 
 
ABBOTT:  No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of  Work" as  the unemployed.  You have to look for work to be  unemployed.
 
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF  WORK!!!
 
ABBOTT: No, you miss his  point.
 
COSTELLO:  What  point?
 
ABBOTT:  Someone who doesn't look  for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It  wouldn't be fair. 
 
COSTELLO: To  whom?
 
ABBOTT: The unemployed.  
 
COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.  
 
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively  looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking  and if you give up,  you are no longer in the ranks of  the unemployed. 
 
COSTELLO: So if you're off the  unemployment roles that would count as less  unemployment?
 
ABBOTT:  Unemployment would  go down. Absolutely!
 
COSTELLO: The unemployment  just goes down because you don't look for  work?
 
ABBOTT:   Absolutely it goes  down. That's how it gets to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be  14.7%. 


COSTELLO:   Wait, I got a question for you. That  means there are  two ways to bring down the unemployment number?  
 
ABBOTT: Two ways is  correct.
 
COSTELLO:   Unemployment can  go down if someone gets a  job?
 
ABBOTT:    Correct.
 
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go  down if you stop looking for a   job?
 
ABBOTT:  Bingo.  
 
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring  unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have  people stop looking for work.
 
ABBOTT: Now  you're thinking like an Economist. 
 
COSTELLO:  I  don't even know what the heck I just said!  
 
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a  Politician.

 

 


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#1138 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted May 10, 2015 - 09:36 PM

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass long bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough SOB.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really wasn't any fire danger. Ill put it this way- a set of post hole diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner... let's face it to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself ether really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of dads muzzleloader pyrodex . At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie... 1lb pyrodex and 16oz ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Heck with that. I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too.


Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and let fly. As I released I heard a swish as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH CRAP he just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh. Hell. When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 MF'n decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as I could see.

It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE DAMN DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That mother got up and ran off. So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE GOLL DAMIT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000ft over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires. I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know- I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more.

Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks mom. One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later. And I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or both. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. Its good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

Is this from experience?


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#1139 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted May 11, 2015 - 05:44 AM

Is this from experience?

 

 

Thankfully not.



#1140 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted May 11, 2015 - 07:31 PM

Tyrone and the Teacher

None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me mad, Tyrone.”
One day Tyrone's mom came to school to check on how he was doing.

The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and
that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.
The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors
strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died .

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.
Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon.


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