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Official Joke Thread


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#1111 Jazz OFFLINE  

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Posted April 09, 2015 - 07:16 PM

Two police officers are dispatched to house. One phones dispatch "Chief we are at the scene of a crime. The wife has shot her husband for walking on her freshly washed floor"

Chief asks "Did you arrest the woman?"

Police 'NO! THE FLOORS STILL WET!"


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#1112 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted April 10, 2015 - 12:58 AM

Everybody has a photographic memory---- some just don't have film.
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#1113 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted April 16, 2015 - 07:41 PM

Kids are quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
--------------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's... Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid! )
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
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#1114 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted April 24, 2015 - 05:27 AM

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye and they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day, the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help for it.


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#1115 Username OFFLINE  

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Posted April 24, 2015 - 06:57 AM

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a
junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his
retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year
began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating
merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing
percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old
man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young
percussionists as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to
see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do
the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll
give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every
day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do
a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this
time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really
putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on,
I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later,
the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way
down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check
yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents.
Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think
we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a
quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man
enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days


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#1116 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2015 - 06:26 AM

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.


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#1117 Diesel1050 ONLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2015 - 09:05 AM

This thread is hilarious!
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#1118 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2015 - 10:37 AM

:(  :hitting_self_roller:  :hitting_self_roller:  :hitting_self_roller:

 

11160006_10204254153773808_4246645218467207742_n.jpg


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#1119 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2015 - 05:35 PM

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag? 

 

One, is made of plastic, and dangerous to children, and the other, you put

groceries in.


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#1120 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 26, 2015 - 11:33 AM

The Will
 

 


  Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.   His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
  He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:           "To My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."           "To My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."            "To My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."            To Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."     The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property"!!
  Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the starfish had a paper route!"
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#1121 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted April 30, 2015 - 08:20 AM

The Mistress




A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later
and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want
a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no
more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe
on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.


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#1122 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted May 02, 2015 - 05:37 AM

THIS is pretty much a pitch fork full of truth.....

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer from Sandy Lake whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with him. Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders. The old farmer said, "Well, you know, Mike Duffy is a 'Post Turtle'.''  Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what  a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. The  rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

 


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#1123 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted May 02, 2015 - 06:05 AM

THIS is pretty much a pitch fork full of truth.....[/size]While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer[/size] [/size]from Sandy Lake whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with him. Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders. The old farmer said, "Well, you know, Mike Duffy is a 'Post Turtle'.''[/size] Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what[/size] [/size] [/size]a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. The rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."[/size]


That, my friend, is fantastic!
I hope it's not copyrighted, because I plan on using it to explain all sorts of people... Starting with a particular one who lives in a white house.
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#1124 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted May 02, 2015 - 11:29 AM

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''


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#1125 toomanytoys84 OFFLINE  

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Posted May 02, 2015 - 02:08 PM

THIS is pretty much a pitch fork full of truth.....

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmerfrom Sandy Lake whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with him. Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders. The old farmer said, "Well, you know, Mike Duffy is a 'Post Turtle'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, whata 'post turtle' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. The rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."


I use post turtle to describe department heads at work. Most of them are post turtles
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