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Posted April 03, 2015 - 12:02 AM
Posted April 03, 2015 - 04:15 AM
The ice cream trip is over, you do the explaining. I will just go sit over there.
Posted April 03, 2015 - 07:18 AM
Posted April 09, 2015 - 07:16 PM
Two police officers are dispatched to house. One phones dispatch "Chief we are at the scene of a crime. The wife has shot her husband for walking on her freshly washed floor"
Chief asks "Did you arrest the woman?"
Police 'NO! THE FLOORS STILL WET!"
Posted April 16, 2015 - 07:41 PM
Posted April 24, 2015 - 05:27 AM
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye and they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day, the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help for it.
Posted April 24, 2015 - 06:57 AM
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a
junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his
retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year
began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating
merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing
percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old
man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young
percussionists as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to
see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do
the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll
give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every
day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do
a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this
time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really
putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on,
I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later,
the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way
down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check
yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents.
Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think
we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a
quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man
enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days
Posted April 25, 2015 - 06:26 AM
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
Posted April 25, 2015 - 09:05 AM