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Official Joke Thread


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#1096 tater195 ONLINE  

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Posted March 26, 2015 - 09:34 AM

My personal best was walking through the grocery, with a charming couple walking behind. Silent and deadly!

 

 

ah the good old days of crop dusting walmart after a late night out and runny eggs at the all you can eat buffet at the truck stop. That brings back fond memories

 

:thumbs:


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#1097 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted March 26, 2015 - 07:38 PM

My wife's credit cards were stolen last week...

 

 

But...

 

 

 

I haven't reported it yet..

 

 

Whoever stole them spends less than she did!   :D 


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#1098 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted March 27, 2015 - 10:49 AM

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


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#1099 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted March 28, 2015 - 07:16 AM

anger management

 

 

Husband: “When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?”

Wife: “I clean the toilet.”

Husband: “How does that help?”

Wife: “I use your Toothbrush.”

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#1100 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted March 30, 2015 - 06:16 PM

The lemon squeezer..

 

 

At a bar in New York City the bartender was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a Standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron.

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.

Over the years, many people had tried.....

Weightlifters , longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, a scrawny little fellow came into the bar,

Wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.

He sat down, ordered a glass of beer, and started looking around the bar.

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice:

"I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."


After the laughter had died down, the bartender said:

"Ok...."

He grabbed a lemon and squeezed all the juice he could out of it...

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.


But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence....

As the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....

And six drops fell into the glass.


As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked:

"Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living?

Are you a lumber jack, a weight-lifter, or what?"


The little fellow quietly replied:

"I work for Internal Revenue Service!!!"
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#1101 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted March 30, 2015 - 06:43 PM

Irishman's First Drink With His Daughter

 

 

I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local pub, which is only two blocks from the house.

First I got her a Guinness Stout. She didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got her a Smithwick's. She didn't like that either – so I drank it.

It was the same with the Murphy’s and the McSorley’s.

By the time we got past the Jameson and Bushmills, I could hardly push the stroller back home.

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#1102 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted March 31, 2015 - 07:58 PM

        A minister decided that his congregation might take things more seriously if he gave them a demonstration to back up his sermon. On Sunday he set up four jars on the top of the pulpit. Into the first one he poured a glass of whiskey, the second got a lit cigarette, the third got chocolate syrup, and the fourth was filled with good dirt. Then he dropped an earthworm into each jar, put the lids on the jars and proceeded with the sermon. When he finished, he opened the jars and showed the crowd the worms. The one in the whiskey was DEAD. The one in the cigarette smoke was DEAD. The one in the chocolate syrup was DEAD. But the one in the good earth was ALIVE.

       So he asked the congregation what they could learn from this. For a long time there was silence, and then a voice from the back of the church shouted out----- if you drink whiskey, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!


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#1103 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted April 01, 2015 - 07:32 AM

(This may have been listed on here before, but it's worth repeating for the new members!)

 

Toilet Cleaning Instructions:

1. Put both lid and seat of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat "Sammy" and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to sit on the lid. (LOL)

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" “and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,
The Dog*
__________________

 

 

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#1104 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 03, 2015 - 12:02 AM

:say_what:  :say_what:  :say_what:

 

11081161_1219466334749484_4960406608215603806_n.jpg


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#1105 shorty ONLINE  

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Posted April 03, 2015 - 04:15 AM

The ice cream trip is over, you do the explaining. I will just go sit over there.



#1106 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted April 03, 2015 - 07:18 AM

Dr. Geezer

 

 

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open an alternative medicine medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic." "Get your treatment for $500. If not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??
Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: --- Aaagh...(choking) !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!!

 


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#1107 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 03, 2015 - 10:14 AM

http://www.flixxy.co...m?utm_source=nl


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#1108 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 03, 2015 - 02:43 PM

:angel:  :beer:  :worship:

 

10672284_929727940371072_5311853649892709914_n.jpg


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#1109 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted April 05, 2015 - 07:36 AM

                                         dearjohnletter.jpg


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#1110 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted April 09, 2015 - 07:09 PM

     The 50-50-90 rule. Any time you have a 50-50 chance of being right, you'll be wrong 90% of the time.


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