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Official Joke Thread


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#1096 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted March 19, 2015 - 05:18 AM

Only male blond joke I've ever heard...

Three high steel workers, one of them blonde, were working on a high rise, and ate lunch together every day.

As they opened their lunches they would often comment on having the same thing packed for their lunch nearly every day.

One day the first guy opened his lunch, saw it was the same stuff yet again and said, "I'm so tired of this stuff, if I see it packed in my lunch box just once more, I'm going to jump."

The second guy opened his box, saw the same stuff, and commented, "I'm so tired of the same old stuff too. If I see it packed in my box just once more, I'm going to jump right behind you."

The blond opened his box, and just like the others saw the same old stuff packed for him. He too commented that he would jump if he saw the same stuff even once more.

The next day, the first guy opened his box, saw the same stuff once again, so he stood up, and jumped to his death. The second guy opened his box, saw the same stuff, and following the first guy, jumped to his death. The blond guy opened his box, and he too saw the same stuff yet again, so he also jumped to his death.

At the funeral the three wives were talking about what happened. The first guys wife commented that she really felt responsible for her husbands death. She said she had heard her husband fuss many times about getting the same old stuff, and had even heard him comment that he would jump if he didn't start seeing something new packed from then on. Given that she got in a hurry and packed the same old stuff yet again, she really felt responsible for what happened.

The second wife said she had heard pretty much the same comments from her husband. She too felt responsible for her husbands death since she had been trying to be frugal and packed him the same stuff yet again.

The two women looked to the blonde guys wife for her comments when they had finished talking, each with a look of expectation on their face, to hear a story much like their's.

Instead the blond guys wife looked back and said, "What are ya'll looking at me for, HE PACKED HIS OWN LUNCH EVERY DAY..."

 


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#1097 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted March 19, 2015 - 06:53 AM

Note to self  :  Don't  be ground man for blond steel workers .  (  I have had some  ! ) 


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#1098 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted March 22, 2015 - 07:29 AM

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ''I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.''

I said, 'WHAT??!! ''What do mean?''
So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for whom I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit..'

We went on to the jeweler department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she got this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for whom I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either[list]
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#1099 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted March 23, 2015 - 01:11 PM



Sticks and stones
May brake my bones
But hollow points
Expand on impact!
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#1100 Sawdust OFFLINE  

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Posted March 24, 2015 - 06:32 PM

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#1101 JDGuy445 OFFLINE  

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Posted March 25, 2015 - 04:58 PM

This was posted by a Facebook friend.

"Where is the worst place to pass gas? I was thinking of this this morning...new Lothrop Nazarene church in the back choir pew...during choir on Sunday morning. The noise would reverb off the paneling and shoot forward. The women in the front row would slowly turn, the men would giggle and my father who was leading the choir would give me that stern look while trying to suppress a smile, while receiving looks of daggers from my mother at the piano, as I watched the pastors shoulders shake uncontrollably as he leaned forward trying to suppress a laugh. "
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#1102 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted March 25, 2015 - 05:37 PM

My personal best was walking through the grocery, with a charming couple walking behind. Silent and deadly!


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#1103 tater195 OFFLINE  

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Posted March 26, 2015 - 09:34 AM

My personal best was walking through the grocery, with a charming couple walking behind. Silent and deadly!

 

 

ah the good old days of crop dusting walmart after a late night out and runny eggs at the all you can eat buffet at the truck stop. That brings back fond memories

 

:thumbs:


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#1104 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted March 26, 2015 - 07:38 PM

My wife's credit cards were stolen last week...

 

 

But...

 

 

 

I haven't reported it yet..

 

 

Whoever stole them spends less than she did!   :D 


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#1105 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted March 27, 2015 - 10:49 AM

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


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#1106 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted March 28, 2015 - 07:16 AM

anger management

 

 

Husband: “When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?”

Wife: “I clean the toilet.”

Husband: “How does that help?”

Wife: “I use your Toothbrush.”

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#1107 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted March 30, 2015 - 06:16 PM

The lemon squeezer..

 

 

At a bar in New York City the bartender was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a Standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron.

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.

Over the years, many people had tried.....

Weightlifters , longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, a scrawny little fellow came into the bar,

Wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.

He sat down, ordered a glass of beer, and started looking around the bar.

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice:

"I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."


After the laughter had died down, the bartender said:

"Ok...."

He grabbed a lemon and squeezed all the juice he could out of it...

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.


But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence....

As the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....

And six drops fell into the glass.


As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked:

"Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living?

Are you a lumber jack, a weight-lifter, or what?"


The little fellow quietly replied:

"I work for Internal Revenue Service!!!"
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#1108 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted March 30, 2015 - 06:43 PM

Irishman's First Drink With His Daughter

 

 

I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local pub, which is only two blocks from the house.

First I got her a Guinness Stout. She didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got her a Smithwick's. She didn't like that either – so I drank it.

It was the same with the Murphy’s and the McSorley’s.

By the time we got past the Jameson and Bushmills, I could hardly push the stroller back home.

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#1109 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted March 31, 2015 - 07:58 PM

        A minister decided that his congregation might take things more seriously if he gave them a demonstration to back up his sermon. On Sunday he set up four jars on the top of the pulpit. Into the first one he poured a glass of whiskey, the second got a lit cigarette, the third got chocolate syrup, and the fourth was filled with good dirt. Then he dropped an earthworm into each jar, put the lids on the jars and proceeded with the sermon. When he finished, he opened the jars and showed the crowd the worms. The one in the whiskey was DEAD. The one in the cigarette smoke was DEAD. The one in the chocolate syrup was DEAD. But the one in the good earth was ALIVE.

       So he asked the congregation what they could learn from this. For a long time there was silence, and then a voice from the back of the church shouted out----- if you drink whiskey, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!


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#1110 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted April 01, 2015 - 07:32 AM

(This may have been listed on here before, but it's worth repeating for the new members!)

 

Toilet Cleaning Instructions:

1. Put both lid and seat of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat "Sammy" and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to sit on the lid. (LOL)

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" “and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,
The Dog*
__________________

 

 

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