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Official Joke Thread


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#1081 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted March 07, 2015 - 08:58 PM

Drunk Squirrel!!

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#1082 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted March 08, 2015 - 06:13 AM

Now that was funny! :bigrofl:



#1083 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted March 08, 2015 - 09:37 PM

Now that was funny! :bigrofl:

I know I can hardly type!


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#1084 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted March 14, 2015 - 04:50 AM

Another Darwin award applicant!

https://www.facebook...203860192198945
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#1085 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted March 14, 2015 - 07:00 AM

If evolution really worked, that guy wouldn't be here now!


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#1086 Sawdust OFFLINE  

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Posted March 16, 2015 - 09:20 PM

This guy bought a motorcycle & went over to his friends house to show it off.

He told his friend to grab a jacket & I'll take you for a ride. 

While going down the highway the friend tapped the driver on the back & said pull over I'm getting cold.

Once they got off the bike  he told his friend just turn your jacket around & put the zipper in the back so the cold air won't go through.

They got back on & went through this little one horse town full of elderly folks so he hit the throttle to scare them & raced on down the road.

While talking to his friend he realized he wasn't on the back anymore & had lost him somewhere.

He turned the bike around & started to back track towards the little town.

He saw his friend in the distance laying on the ground in the middle of the road surrounded by all those elderly folks.

He jumped off his bike, ran up to the crowd & asked with a shout what happened is he ok quick somebody is he ok.

One elderly ole man looked up & said well sonny he seemed to be ok until we all tried to twist his head back around but now I don't think he's doing too good.


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#1087 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted March 18, 2015 - 04:12 PM

Are ya'all familiar with Mark Lowry from the Gaither Vocal Band?

 

http://www.cooleston...f/#.VQnnh7l0z3h


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#1088 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted March 18, 2015 - 07:53 PM

https://www.youtube....h?v=bZI1eeV88lQ


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#1089 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted March 19, 2015 - 05:18 AM

Only male blond joke I've ever heard...

Three high steel workers, one of them blonde, were working on a high rise, and ate lunch together every day.

As they opened their lunches they would often comment on having the same thing packed for their lunch nearly every day.

One day the first guy opened his lunch, saw it was the same stuff yet again and said, "I'm so tired of this stuff, if I see it packed in my lunch box just once more, I'm going to jump."

The second guy opened his box, saw the same stuff, and commented, "I'm so tired of the same old stuff too. If I see it packed in my box just once more, I'm going to jump right behind you."

The blond opened his box, and just like the others saw the same old stuff packed for him. He too commented that he would jump if he saw the same stuff even once more.

The next day, the first guy opened his box, saw the same stuff once again, so he stood up, and jumped to his death. The second guy opened his box, saw the same stuff, and following the first guy, jumped to his death. The blond guy opened his box, and he too saw the same stuff yet again, so he also jumped to his death.

At the funeral the three wives were talking about what happened. The first guys wife commented that she really felt responsible for her husbands death. She said she had heard her husband fuss many times about getting the same old stuff, and had even heard him comment that he would jump if he didn't start seeing something new packed from then on. Given that she got in a hurry and packed the same old stuff yet again, she really felt responsible for what happened.

The second wife said she had heard pretty much the same comments from her husband. She too felt responsible for her husbands death since she had been trying to be frugal and packed him the same stuff yet again.

The two women looked to the blonde guys wife for her comments when they had finished talking, each with a look of expectation on their face, to hear a story much like their's.

Instead the blond guys wife looked back and said, "What are ya'll looking at me for, HE PACKED HIS OWN LUNCH EVERY DAY..."

 


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#1090 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted March 19, 2015 - 06:53 AM

Note to self  :  Don't  be ground man for blond steel workers .  (  I have had some  ! ) 


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#1091 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted March 22, 2015 - 07:29 AM

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ''I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.''

I said, 'WHAT??!! ''What do mean?''
So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for whom I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit..'

We went on to the jeweler department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she got this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for whom I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either[list]
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#1092 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted March 23, 2015 - 01:11 PM



Sticks and stones
May brake my bones
But hollow points
Expand on impact!
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#1093 Sawdust OFFLINE  

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Posted March 24, 2015 - 06:32 PM

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#1094 JDGuy445 OFFLINE  

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Posted March 25, 2015 - 04:58 PM

This was posted by a Facebook friend.

"Where is the worst place to pass gas? I was thinking of this this morning...new Lothrop Nazarene church in the back choir pew...during choir on Sunday morning. The noise would reverb off the paneling and shoot forward. The women in the front row would slowly turn, the men would giggle and my father who was leading the choir would give me that stern look while trying to suppress a smile, while receiving looks of daggers from my mother at the piano, as I watched the pastors shoulders shake uncontrollably as he leaned forward trying to suppress a laugh. "
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#1095 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted March 25, 2015 - 05:37 PM

My personal best was walking through the grocery, with a charming couple walking behind. Silent and deadly!


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