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Official Joke Thread


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#1036 OldBuzzard OFFLINE  

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Posted January 28, 2015 - 11:08 AM

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

 

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

 

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

 

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

 

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

 

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

 

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

 

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, ... alone."

 

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

 

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen very carefully ... for ... the ... last ... time ... I said...

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"BRING POSSE"


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#1037 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted February 01, 2015 - 12:53 PM



Found on a recent email----- I don't like making lists of my plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" can get tossed around in a courtroom.
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#1038 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted February 09, 2015 - 09:57 AM

Giggle for a Monday from somebody's Wife!

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
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#1039 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted February 16, 2015 - 09:01 AM

Happy President's day!!

 

10986916_10205742085142135_3027668350418277659_n.jpg


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#1040 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted February 16, 2015 - 09:18 AM

:bigrofl: Good one!!



#1041 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted February 16, 2015 - 11:34 AM


DO NOT
 
Wash your Hair in the Shower!
 

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!
 
 
IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO,
WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY,
WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT.
 
 
WARNING TO US ALL!
 
 

Shampoo Warning!

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner..!!!
 
 

I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body,
 
and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, 
 
 
"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
 
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I got rid of that shampoo and
I am going to start showering with
 
Dawn Dishwashing Soap.
 
Its label reads,
 
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
 
 

Problem solved..!!!
 
PS.
If I don't answer the phone,
I'll be in the shower!!!

 

 

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#1042 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted February 21, 2015 - 09:43 PM

This just in: 
 
Pete Carroll, former head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, is reported to be very near to signing on as a special consultant to The Pope in Vatican City.   The Pope looks to recruit Carroll to be a spokesman for the Catholic Church because he is the first man in history that made 100 million people jump up and yell "Jesus Christ!" at the same time. 
 
More information will be reported as this story is followed.

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#1043 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted February 22, 2015 - 08:56 AM

PHONE REPAIR: Lawrence, Kansas.
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


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#1044 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted February 22, 2015 - 09:00 AM

oldie but goodie.....


It was fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Idaho
asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side,
he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold
and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,'
the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people
and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied,
'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people
and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied.
'It's looking more and more like
it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied,
'The Indians are collecting a ****load of firewood'

 


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#1045 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted February 22, 2015 - 09:01 AM

PHONE REPAIR:
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

#1046 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted February 22, 2015 - 09:26 AM

Ummmmh, well . . .  Your welcome!



#1047 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted February 22, 2015 - 05:35 PM

I've read so many of these 'Wisdom' threads, I'm not sure if this is new. I'll let you'all decide. (#16 is for sure.)

 

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
4. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
5 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
6. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
7. To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism. To steal from many is called research.
8. In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy.
11. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
12. A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it.
15. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
16. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
18. I am not arguing with you, I am explaining why you are wrong .


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#1048 Sawdust OFFLINE  

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Posted February 24, 2015 - 12:01 AM

After Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he picked it up to see what it sounded like. The crowd was gathered around with excitement. as he stood there shocked & surprised. What did it sound like please tell us....he said I have two missed calls from a man named Chuck Norris.


#1049 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted February 24, 2015 - 12:24 PM

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Frank?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Florida."   :firejumper: 
 
 

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#1050 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted February 24, 2015 - 08:06 PM

:firejumper:   :firejumper:   :firejumper:   :firejumper:   :firejumper:   :firejumper:

 

1491754_745050055527484_4116727764355239130_n.jpg


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