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Official Joke Thread


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#1021 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted January 06, 2015 - 01:33 AM

On the way to get married a young Catholic couple was involved in fatal car  accident.
 
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
 
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven ?
 
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
 
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me  go find out," and he left.
 
The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for a couple of months !!!
 
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect  of it all ? "What if it doesn't work ? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever ?"
 
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
 
"Great !"  said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out ? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven ?"
 
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
 
"What's  wrong ?" asked the frightened couple. 
 
"OH, COME  ON !!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me THREE months to find a priest up here . . .  do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer ?”


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#1022 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted January 06, 2015 - 01:34 AM

RANDOM THOUGHTS AS I GET OLDER.

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven't met yet!

The day the world runs out of beer is just too terrible to think about!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management.  I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair.  I have "wisdom highlights".  I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine.  It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.  I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings.  Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?


At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!





 

 

 

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#1023 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted January 06, 2015 - 05:51 AM

I printed that last one Doug!



#1024 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted January 09, 2015 - 07:10 PM

Amish Lady Driver Is Pulled Over

“I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer. “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”

 

“I thank thee,” replied the Amish lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”

 

“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of your horse’s reins is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too.”

 

“Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home.”

 

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.
 
 He said he would put a new one on immediately.
 


 

“Also,” said the Amish woman, “The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.”


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#1025 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted January 14, 2015 - 06:09 PM

THE HUSBAND STORE

 

 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto, where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights.  The shopper may choose any item from a particular
floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love children.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more,' so she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good
looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and
help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and
help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.



 


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#1026 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted January 15, 2015 - 09:43 AM

4 FACTS

 

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but
having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.


3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND . . .

4. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 


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#1027 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted January 15, 2015 - 01:13 PM

Blonde at the gas station


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#1028 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted January 17, 2015 - 07:04 PM

 
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. 
 
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.   The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
 
His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
 
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
 
When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
 
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said "Why certainly!"  He then told an underling to get a tape recorder.
 
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief.   The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. 
 
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously.  But he refused to translate. 
 
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe.
 
They too laughed long and loudly, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. 
 
An official government translator was summoned.  After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:
 
"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ARSEHOLES.  THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
 

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#1029 New.Canadian.DB.Owner ONLINE  

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Posted January 22, 2015 - 08:14 PM

A duck walks into a bar on Monday. 

 

Bar Tender: "What'll you have?" 

Duck: "I'll have a grape Nehi." 

Bar Tender: "This is a bar.  We don't sell grape Nehi. What'll you have?" 

Duck: "I'll have a grape Nehi." 

Bar Tender: "I told you this is a bar & we don't sell grape Nehi. Order a drink or get out!" 

 

The duck leaves.  Every day that week it is the same routine.  By Saturday the Bar Tender has had it & ends the conversation with, "Order a drink or I'll nail you bill to the bar!!!"  The duck leaves.

 

A month later the duck walks into the bar.

 

Bar Tender: "What'll you have?" 

Duck: "Do you have any hammers?"

Bar Tender: "This is a bar.  We don't sell hammers."

Duck: "Great, I'll have a grape Nehi." 


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#1030 TAHOE OFFLINE  

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Posted January 23, 2015 - 09:19 AM

A duck walks into a bar on Monday. 

 

Bar Tender: "What'll you have?" 

Duck: "I'll have a grape Nehi." 

Bar Tender: "This is a bar.  We don't sell grape Nehi. What'll you have?" 

Duck: "I'll have a grape Nehi." 

Bar Tender: "I told you this is a bar & we don't sell grape Nehi. Order a drink or get out!" 

 

The duck leaves.  Every day that week it is the same routine.  By Saturday the Bar Tender has had it & ends the conversation with, "Order a drink or I'll nail you bill to the bar!!!"  The duck leaves.

 

A month later the duck walks into the bar.

 

Bar Tender: "What'll you have?" 

Duck: "Do you have any hammers?"

Bar Tender: "This is a bar.  We don't sell hammers."

Duck: "Great, I'll have a grape Nehi." 

 

My dad used to tell them but his version was ....

 

Duck, " do you have any duck feed?"


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#1031 New.Canadian.DB.Owner ONLINE  

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Posted January 23, 2015 - 07:18 PM

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar.  The bar tender says: "Hey! You two! Don't go starting anything!"


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#1032 tater195 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 23, 2015 - 08:35 PM

Can we do hairlip jokes in here? I got some good ones, they just dont read as good as they sound.



#1033 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted January 24, 2015 - 08:35 AM

Sausage.

 

Guess folks have completely forgotten where meat actually comes from??

 
Imagine you're shopping at a supermarket in Brazil , and would like some fresh sausage.
Well, it's available. Take a look at people's reactions -- especially the last lady in the video.
Too funny, with remembrances of Candid Camera.
 
 

Edited by IamSherwood, January 24, 2015 - 08:36 AM.

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#1034 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted January 24, 2015 - 09:03 AM

That was good, Will!



#1035 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted January 28, 2015 - 10:09 AM

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

 

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

 

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany...

 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

 

"You're a Member of Parliament for the Canadian Government", says Bud.

 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

 

Now give me back my dog.


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