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Official Joke Thread


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#1006 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted December 17, 2014 - 12:42 PM

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met
by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 

'In honor of this Holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

 

The Englishman fumbled  through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.  'It's a candle', he said.

 

'You may pass through  the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached  into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and  said, 'They're bells.'

 

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

 

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'

 
The paddy replied,  'These are Carols.'


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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#1007 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted December 17, 2014 - 12:48 PM

A Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
 
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree...
 

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#1008 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted December 17, 2014 - 07:39 PM

Good one, lol.



#1009 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted December 21, 2014 - 05:45 PM

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult for the couple to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, while his wife planned to fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter of her email address, and sent the email without realizing his error.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from family and friends.
But after reading her very first email, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
 

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: March 21, 2012
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.
I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!


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#1010 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted December 21, 2014 - 07:25 PM

It has already started  at Cabela’s Sporting Goods,

I found out when I shopped there yesterday.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier pointed and said,

"Strip down, facing  me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amuck, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
After I pulled my pants up, they asked me to shop elsewhere in the  future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer.

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#1011 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted December 28, 2014 - 09:19 AM

​S​ven and Ole worked together in a Minnesota factory.....and both were laid off. So...dey went to the Unemployment Office togedder.

Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties."

The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week in unemployment compensation.
​​
Sven, when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter".

The clerk looked up Diesel Fitter...and it was classified as a skilled job. So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.

When Ole found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits.

The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."

"Vat skill? yelled Ole. "I sew da elastic on da panties.
Sven puts dem over his head and says, "Yah, ------------- DIESEL FITTER".

(If you don't understand a word of this, then you're not ​a Norwegian or ​Swede or from Minnesota!.
 

Edited by KennyP, December 28, 2014 - 09:45 AM.

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#1012 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted December 28, 2014 - 09:34 AM

Those diesel fitters are a special kind of people . Problem is that sometimes "  Smoke Gets In Your Eyes "



#1013 FilledTires OFFLINE  

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Posted December 28, 2014 - 09:39 AM

What do you get when you cross a hoo hoo and a potato?

 

A dictator!



#1014 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted December 28, 2014 - 11:13 AM

What's a hoo hoo?

Edited by LilysDad, December 28, 2014 - 11:13 AM.

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#1015 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted December 28, 2014 - 02:00 PM

What's a hoo hoo?

 

It's what you get when Horton hatches twins......


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#1016 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted December 28, 2014 - 03:21 PM

Oh! I see.

#1017 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted December 29, 2014 - 02:35 PM

Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.


There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. 

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. 

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.  :rolling:


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#1018 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted December 30, 2014 - 09:43 PM

Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared. 
 
 
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly, age 6 ) 
 
 
2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6) 
 
 
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Mike , age 7) 
 
 
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson .. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6) 
 
 
5) - A dolphin breaths through an starfish on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8) 
 
 
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6) 
 
 
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7) 
 
 
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6) 
 
 
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6) 
 
 
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7) 
 
 
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6) 
 
 
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8) 
 
 
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7) 
 
 
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6) 
 
 
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7) 
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#1019 toomanytoys84 ONLINE  

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Posted December 31, 2014 - 11:42 AM

Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.


There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose. :rolling:


My grandfather used to tell that joke all the time. He had voices he did for the characters. Brought back some good memories
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#1020 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted January 02, 2015 - 07:56 PM

Back and forth . . . . Back and forth . . . .

In and out . . . . In and out . . . .

A little to the right . . . . A little to the left . . . .

She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .

She was getting near to the end . . . . !!

He was in ecstasy . . . . With a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .

Forward then backward . . . .

Again . . . . And, again . . . . !!

Her heart was pounding now . . . .

Her face was flushed . . . .

She moaned . . . . Softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . Totally exhausted . . . .  She let out a piercing scream . . . .

 

She shouted . . . . :

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . .

  You do it . . . . !!"

 

 

 


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