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#991 LilysDad ONLINE  


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Posted November 26, 2014 - 09:53 AM

Canadian Border Crisis
The Manitoba Herald:

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republicans winning the Senate is prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to own guns, pray, and live according to the Constitution.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night. 

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just kept coming.

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

"Many of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand CD's, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

Trying to reassure his liberal base and get them to return to the U.S. - and revealing for the first time that he is clairvoyant - President Obama reiterated what he said in his press conference following the beating the democrats took in the last election: "I heard from the 1/3 of the electorate that voted, but I also heard from the 2/3 that did not vote."

Edited by LilysDad, November 27, 2014 - 08:36 AM.

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#992 DougT ONLINE  


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Posted November 30, 2014 - 01:41 PM

Mr. Durwood is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
 He says to them:
"Paul, I want you to take the Shaughnessy houses."
"Valerie, take the condos over in Coal Harbour and False Creek."
"Mike, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Mildred, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in Point Grey."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and, as Mr.Durwood slips away,she says, "Mrs. Durwood, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property!"
Mildred replies, "Property? He had a paper route!"

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#993 New.Canadian.DB.Owner OFFLINE  

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Posted December 07, 2014 - 04:30 PM

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up onhis tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

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#994 LilysDad ONLINE  


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Posted December 09, 2014 - 04:29 PM

Heart warming story...

Terrorists in training boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Terrorist in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Terrorists picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Terrorist said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Terrorist picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his still seated neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?'
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Posted December 12, 2014 - 09:50 AM

Four brothers left home for college and they became successful doctors and
lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother
who lived far away in another city.

Milton, the first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

Michael, the second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

Marvin, the third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

Melvin, the fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she
can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire
Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but
I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so
I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good.

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could hold 50
people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my
hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture
just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious.

Thank you.", Luv Ya, Mama
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#996 DougT ONLINE  


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Posted December 12, 2014 - 06:40 PM

 A couple were Christmas shopping.  The shopping center was packed, and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.  She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" 
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."     
He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door to it."


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#997 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted December 12, 2014 - 07:14 PM

The Email said to be sure there were no children around that might see this message. Now, click on to the next post to see Santa naked, it's really something!!

#998 oldedeeres ONLINE  

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Posted December 12, 2014 - 07:16 PM

You know, I'm really worried about you guys. You clicked ahead to see a naked man, and.... you know there's no Santa!

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#999 Sparky OFFLINE  



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Posted December 12, 2014 - 08:22 PM

You know, I'm really worried about you guys. You clicked ahead to see a naked man, and.... you know there's no Santa!



There will be  NO naked men in a special thread I have set up either .   Guaranteed   !

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#1000 Cat385B ONLINE  



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Posted December 13, 2014 - 06:30 AM

You know, I'm really worried about you guys. You clicked ahead to see a naked man, and.... you know there's no Santa!


Of course there's a Santa! What are they teaching children up there nowadays? No wonder the world is going to hell in a handcart.........

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#1001 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  


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Posted December 13, 2014 - 09:04 PM


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#1002 MH81 OFFLINE  


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Posted December 14, 2014 - 02:13 AM

I had to share this. Absolute riot.

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#1003 KennyP OFFLINE  



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Posted December 14, 2014 - 06:41 AM

That's a good one, Alan!

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#1004 CRFarnsworth ONLINE  



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Posted December 14, 2014 - 08:50 AM

That was funny!   And that  dude looks like my little brother.   :rolling:        Rick

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#1005 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted December 17, 2014 - 10:27 AM

Maybe a repeat but it's too funny to not post it.




Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo --
"Defrost the chicken!"

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