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Official Joke Thread


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#976 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted November 06, 2014 - 10:25 AM

Brad and Carrie pay homage to the nurse in Maine under quarantine.

 

https://www.youtube....h?v=QCTuNazAvRY



#977 LilysDad OFFLINE  

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Posted November 06, 2014 - 05:59 PM

Yesterday I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the "Walmartians" is always good for some comic release. Besides I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment. But, I digress -- enough of my psychological fixations. While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?" "No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought this was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the "Walmartian" queried, "When was that?" God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered, as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and then asked, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?" "It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way too much fun!

"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?" "Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage." The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw the Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.

Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot in a flurry of dust.

What a great time I had! Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap. Then the next day I will go to the DMV so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!

 


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#978 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted November 06, 2014 - 07:29 PM

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN.

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the
body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he
is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best
in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.. She gives the blonde mortician a
blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband
in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits
him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
 
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' the
widow says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she
minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made
no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'



( I bet you did not see THAT coming!!!)  
 
 
 
 

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#979 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted November 06, 2014 - 09:29 PM

I don't no why but that one just gave me the hebee jeebies.


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#980 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted November 06, 2014 - 10:59 PM

                                              pitbull.jpg


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#981 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 07, 2014 - 11:21 AM

Freaky ways to trash your CAR



#982 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 10, 2014 - 01:12 AM

Another one for Scott!


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#983 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted November 10, 2014 - 10:42 PM

Too cute.



#984 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted November 11, 2014 - 06:21 PM

The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."

The CEO replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million."

The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed!  You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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#985 TAHOE OFFLINE  

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Posted November 18, 2014 - 10:28 AM

ain't it the truth........

 

 

 

 

CL pic.jpeg

 

 

 

 

 

 

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#986 superspeedex OFFLINE  

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Posted November 18, 2014 - 03:39 PM

Ha i seen a bmx bike wanting to trade for a dodge cummins or similar truck the other day i laughed


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#987 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 18, 2014 - 09:56 PM

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?" 


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#988 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted November 25, 2014 - 10:02 AM

 
For
those of us who are gracefully “aging”, this is a great
video.

Click
the link below and have a laugh or two!

 
Holiday
Dinner Party.  Short, and really good.



http://www.youtube.com/embed/TX9EAavxrus
 

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#989 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted November 25, 2014 - 06:17 PM

 

 
For
those of us who are gracefully “aging”, this is a great
video.

Click
the link below and have a laugh or two!

 
Holiday
Dinner Party.  Short, and really good.



http://www.youtube.com/embed/TX9EAavxrus
 

 

That is great. The rule at my house is if you can't eat it don't. If you can't eat anything bring your own. If you want to fuss about the food stay home.


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#990 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted November 25, 2014 - 08:15 PM

Good video, Doug!


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