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Official Joke Thread


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#961 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted October 27, 2014 - 07:27 AM

Laffin my ars off this Monday morning!

 

Click HERE


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#962 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted October 27, 2014 - 08:58 AM

A man walked into a bar. He told the bartender that he didn't have any money, but he would show the bartender something amazing in exchange for a drink. It was a slow day, so the bartender agreed.
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a frog, a hamster and a tiny saxophone. He gave the saxophone to the frog and the frog started playing a fantastic jazz solo. Then the hamster started singing along in an amazing duet. Impressed, the bartender gave the man a drink.
Just then another bar patron rushed up to the man and offered him $1,000 for the singing hamster. The man instantly agreed to the deal.
The patron paid the man and quickly left with the hamster. After the patron left, the bartender couldn't keep quiet anymore and exclaimed, "I can't believe you sold a singing hamster for only $1,000!"
The man shrugged and said, "The frog is a ventriloquist."


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#963 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted October 27, 2014 - 09:04 AM

Aussie Humor

 

 

 

A Northern Territory aboriginal farmhand radios back to the property manager;

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the front bull bar and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The manager says, "Ok, there's an old Lee Enfield .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the .303, shot the pig in the head and hauled him from the bull-bar. No problem there, but I still can't go on".

"Now what's the problem ?" raged the Manager.

"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."

"You there Boss ?"

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#964 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted October 29, 2014 - 03:14 PM

 
 A 6-year-old girl went to  her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him,  
"Grampa, what is a couple  sex?  The grandfather was surprised that she would  ask
such a question, but decided  that if she's old enough to know to ask the question
then she's old enough to get  a straight answer.  Steeling himself to leave nothing out,  
he proceeded to tell her all  about human reproduction and the joys and
responsibilities that go  along with it.
 
 When he finished explaining,  the little girl was
looking at him with her  mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the
look on her face, the  grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?  
The little girl replied,  "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in  
“Just a couple  secs”.

 

 


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#965 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted October 29, 2014 - 05:42 PM

 
  A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.
They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.
He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

"Rear toilet?," he asks.

She responds,, "Five minutes" and goes off.
He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to,
So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing,
and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

And what were you thinking?

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#966 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted October 29, 2014 - 09:16 PM

 

 
  A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.
They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.
He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

"Rear toilet?," he asks.

She responds,, "Five minutes" and goes off.
He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to,
So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing,
and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

And what were you thinking?

 

Your dirty mind.



#967 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted November 01, 2014 - 04:45 PM

Gotta Love Kevin Spacey



#968 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted November 01, 2014 - 04:52 PM

HECK YEAH BABY!!!

 

10615399_10152731716499004_4891723299296646352_n.jpg


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#969 adamjd200 OFFLINE  

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Posted November 01, 2014 - 06:58 PM

NOT COOL, I work in a grocery store!


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#970 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted November 03, 2014 - 12:04 AM

A hangover is just the wrath of grapes!


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#971 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted November 03, 2014 - 09:32 AM

in patient’s Hospital Charts….

1. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

2. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

3. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

4. The patient refused an autopsy.

5. Discharge status : Alive but without my permission.

6. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

7. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

8. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

9. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

10. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

11. She is numb from the toes down.

12. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

13. The skin was moist and dry.

14. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

15. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

16. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

17. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

18. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

19. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

20. She had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.[list]
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#972 New.Canadian.DB.Owner OFFLINE  

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Posted November 03, 2014 - 06:15 PM

16: Ouch!  


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#973 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted November 03, 2014 - 06:20 PM

Just read those to Karen. Thanks

#974 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted November 03, 2014 - 08:38 PM

16. doc must have some long fingers

#975 GTTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted November 06, 2014 - 08:13 AM

A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. 

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. 

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. 

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. 

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

 

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and recited a prayer. He became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.' 

Reverend Billy, Protestant Pastor, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. 

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle any Holy water! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from Anglican Prayer book. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. 
So I quickly BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praying!' 

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. 

He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. 

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."


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