Laffin my ars off this Monday morning!
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Posted October 27, 2014 - 08:58 AM
A man walked into a bar. He told the bartender that he didn't have any money, but he would show the bartender something amazing in exchange for a drink. It was a slow day, so the bartender agreed.
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a frog, a hamster and a tiny saxophone. He gave the saxophone to the frog and the frog started playing a fantastic jazz solo. Then the hamster started singing along in an amazing duet. Impressed, the bartender gave the man a drink.
Just then another bar patron rushed up to the man and offered him $1,000 for the singing hamster. The man instantly agreed to the deal.
The patron paid the man and quickly left with the hamster. After the patron left, the bartender couldn't keep quiet anymore and exclaimed, "I can't believe you sold a singing hamster for only $1,000!"
The man shrugged and said, "The frog is a ventriloquist."
Posted October 27, 2014 - 09:04 AM
Posted October 29, 2014 - 03:14 PM
Posted October 29, 2014 - 05:42 PM
Posted October 29, 2014 - 09:16 PM
A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
"Rear toilet?," he asks.
She responds,, "Five minutes" and goes off.He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to,So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system."To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing,and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
And what were you thinking?
Your dirty mind.
Posted November 01, 2014 - 04:52 PM
Posted November 01, 2014 - 06:58 PM
HECK YEAH BABY!!!
NOT COOL, I work in a grocery store!
Posted November 03, 2014 - 12:04 AM
A hangover is just the wrath of grapes!
Posted November 03, 2014 - 09:32 AM
Posted November 03, 2014 - 06:15 PM
Posted November 03, 2014 - 06:20 PM
Posted November 03, 2014 - 08:38 PM
Posted November 06, 2014 - 08:13 AM
A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and recited a prayer. He became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy, Protestant Pastor, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle any Holy water! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from Anglican Prayer book. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praying!'
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."