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Official Joke Thread


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#946 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted September 21, 2014 - 09:55 AM

"He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire"      Winston Churchill


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#947 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted September 25, 2014 - 09:38 AM

 A man wrote  a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest
   town he planned to  visit on his vacation.   
        He wrote:    I would very much like to  bring my dog with  me.
        He is well-groomed and very  well behaved.
   Would you be willing  to permit me to keep him in my
   room with me at  night?"
  
 An immediate reply  came from the  hotel owner, who wrote:
  SIR:  "I've been operating this hotel for many  years.

   In  all that time, I've never had a dog steal  towels,
   bedclothes, silverware  or steal pictures off the walls 
   or  use them as a coloring book.
  
 I've never had to  evict a dog in the middle of the night
  for being drunk and  disorderly. And I've never had  a
      dog run out on a hotel bill.   Yes, indeed, your dog  is
      welcome at my  hotel. And, if your dog will  vouch for
       you, you're welcome to stay here,  too."
     


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#948 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted September 30, 2014 - 08:45 AM

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual dance in front of an old green John Deere.

 he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.


Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."
Don't make me come splain this to you! ---Read the last line again,
slowly--out loud.

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#949 Auburn David OFFLINE  

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Posted September 30, 2014 - 12:39 PM

Sorry..seems I misposted my joke..didnt know there was a Joke thread,thanks who ever fixed it for me!



#950 TAHOE ONLINE  

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Posted October 02, 2014 - 11:12 AM

A husband is in the backyard trying to fly a kite. He throws it up, the wind scatches it for a few seconds, then it crashes to the ground. Time after time he does the same thing, but the kite won't fly.

The wife walks past kitchen window and sees husband in his futility with kite.

She thinks to herself, "Men, you got to tell them exactly how to do everything".

She opens window and yells at her husband " You need a piece of tail".

 

The husband looks at her and responds in disgust....

" Would you make up your mind woman! I said that to you last night and you told me to go 'fly a kite' "

 

:D

 

 


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#951 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted October 09, 2014 - 09:17 AM

                                                      understandwomen.jpg


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#952 drbish ONLINE  

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Posted October 10, 2014 - 04:50 AM

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

 


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#953 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted October 11, 2014 - 09:04 AM

Eugene, a furniture dealer from High Point, North Carolina, decided to
expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to
see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a
line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new
acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite
crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in
the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked
him something in French (which Eugene couldn't understand); so he motioned
to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a
napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.

She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together
at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a
plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group
playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and
the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed.

To this day, Eugene has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture
business.


 


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#954 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted October 14, 2014 - 11:09 AM

   An   elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church  service at their retirement village.
 
 

About halfway  through the service,  Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse,  and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
 
 
The note said:"  I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should  do?"
 
 
Frank  scribbled  back: "Put a new battery in your hearing  aid."
                                                           


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#955 TAHOE ONLINE  

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Posted October 15, 2014 - 07:10 AM

One for Daniel....

 

 

 

A DEA agent stop at a dairy Farm in Kentucky to talk to the farmer. He told the farmer " I need to inspect your farm for any illegal drugs being grown" .

The farmer stated  "Okay, but don't go in to that field over there" as he pointed over in the other direction.

The  DEA agent went into a verbal tyrant...." Look here mister, I have the authority by the federal government with me" . He reached into his pocket and proudly shoved his badge in the farmer face.

"You see this badge? This badge means I have the authority to go into any field I so please...on anyone's land. No questions asked, no answers given" Do you understand that mister?"

 

The farmer kindly nodded,apologized, and went on his way to milking his cows.

 

Moments later the farmer heard loud screams coming for the direction of that field. He looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, the farmer's prize Holstein bull hot on his tail. With every step the big old bull was catching the agent, it was likely the agent would not make it to the fence in time and he would likely be gored by the big old bull.

 

The farmer jump from his milkers, ran as fast as he could to the field and yelled at the top of his lungs......

 

 

 

 

 

 

" YOUR BADGE, SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE! "

 

.

 


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#956 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted October 16, 2014 - 12:42 AM

:hitting_self_roller:  :tapping_fingers:  :say_what:

 

394689_10151722655519298_1545445520_n.jpg


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#957 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted October 17, 2014 - 09:41 AM

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates,

they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing,

moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years

ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!"


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#958 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted October 25, 2014 - 10:08 AM

A man and woman were married for many years.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.  The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
 
Neighbors feared him.  The old man liked the fact that he was feared.  Then one evening, he died when he was 98.  After the burial,  her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

 
The wife said,  " Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
 

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#959 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted October 25, 2014 - 11:55 AM

( I might roll over in my sleep thinking about this last one )

#960 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted October 26, 2014 - 01:11 AM

Women are angels, but if you clip our wings we will still fly---- on broomsticks!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN
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