Official Joke Thread
Posted August 19, 2014 - 07:03 AM
- OldBuzzard and KennyP have said thanks
Posted August 27, 2014 - 05:45 PM
Beer contains female hormones!
Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Montreal University scientists revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens)
and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!
Posted August 27, 2014 - 07:33 PM
Arrogance of Authority
A DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) officer stopped
at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government of the United States of America with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant
officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it tothe rancher.
"See this f*****g badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!
No questions asked or answers given!
Have I made myself clear? ...... Do you understand?"
The rancher then nodded politely,
apologized and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams,
looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life,
being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.
The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools,
ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.
Show him your f*****g BADGE.......!"
I have to laugh at this one because we have one of theses bulls in with our cows right now.
- oldedeeres said thank you
Posted September 01, 2014 - 05:43 PM
- DougT and KennyP have said thanks
Posted September 10, 2014 - 07:33 PM
Three prostitutes were discussing their prior evenings encounters. The first said she had done business with a firefighter, the other two asked how she knew and she replied "because I saw his badge".
The second said she had done business with a policeman, for which the other two asked how she knew. She replied "because I saw his gun".
The third said she had done business with a farmer, and the other two again asked how she knew. She replied "because at first he complained that it was too dry, then he complained that it was too wet, and then when we were done he asked for a free hat".
Posted September 10, 2014 - 08:57 PM
I know what he did sure isn't a joking matter. But I found this funny.
What an idiot this guy is. Hope he can't even get a job at Micky D's.
Posted September 11, 2014 - 01:09 AM
Mr. Smith had to attend a business convention and took his Administrative Assistant along to attend the seminars that he could not attend while he was at other seminars.
Their plane was late, so they arrived late at night at the convention hotel. The hotel had messed up the reservation and had a room with 2 beds instead of 2 single rooms. They discussed the matter and decided they had to room together as they were very tired.
Miss Jones used the bathroom first, then Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith quietly crawled into his bed and then Miss Jones asked: "Mr.Smith, could you please get me a glass of water?"
Mr. Smith looked over that the femine form visible under the covers on the next bed. After a short period of silence, Mr. Smith asked: "Miss Jones, could we just pretend for tonight that you are Mrs. Smith?"
After a respectable length of silence, Miss Jones replied: "Alright".
To which Mr. Smith replied: "Good. Then get up and get your own darn glass of water!"
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Posted September 11, 2014 - 02:11 PM
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him:
I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.
Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.
How much do you charge?
Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.
I'll sleep on it, I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked.
Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.
Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?
He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.
FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
IT"S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION
- OldBuzzard, Sparky, KennyP and 3 others have said thanks
Posted September 13, 2014 - 04:28 AM
A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing:
Husband - I've lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant - What is her height?
Husband - Gee , I really never noticed. Maybe about five feet tall.
Sergeant - Build?
Husband - Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant - Color of eyes?
Husband - Never noticed.
Sergeant - Color of hair?
Husband - Changes a couple times a year, maybe red.
Sergeant - What was she wearing?
Husband - Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant - Did she go in a car?
Husband - No, she went in my truck.
Sergeant - What kind of truck was it?
Husband - Brand new Ford F150 with Eco-boost V6 engine, special ordered with manual transmission, four-wheel drive, tinted windows, custom matching white cover for the bed, special alloy wheels and off road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door.
At this point the husband started tearing up and almost cried.
Sergeant - Don't worry, Bubba. We’ll find your truck.
- GTTinkerer, New.Canadian.DB.Owner, oldedeeres and 2 others have said thanks
Posted September 15, 2014 - 02:26 PM
I'm sure our resident heavy equipment operator isn't at the helm.
- LilysDad and superspeedex have said thanks
Posted September 15, 2014 - 02:58 PM
Are you allowed to post that without telling us if he lived?