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Official Joke Thread


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#916 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted July 12, 2014 - 01:34 PM

This last joke assumes prior employment was involved .   My bad .


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#917 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted July 19, 2014 - 02:32 PM

A young fellow, very short on cash is hitch hiking across Sask. and his last ride lets him off at a truck-stop diner. The kid is starving and goes in hoping to score a meal from a kind-hearted traveler. An old timer is sitting at the counter staring at a bowl of chili in front of him and the kid sits beside him and after a bit asks the old boy if he's going to eat that chili or just look at it, whereupon the old timer slides it over in front of the kid and hands him a spoon. The kid thankfully dives in and starts chowing down as fast as he can. He gets just about to the bottom of the bowl when he looks down and sees a dead mouse in the chili. Immediately his stomach rebels and he heaves,catching most of it back in the bowl, turns to the old guy and says, "there's a dead mouse in that chili!"
"Yeah" says the old timer, "I got about that far with it too!"
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#918 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted July 19, 2014 - 04:55 PM

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF WONDERFUL TRIVIA..............
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG 
WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,
"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
 
BUT, JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK
 
"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."  
 
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME 
RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.  
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR 
AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE
'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT,
BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
      
         ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH,
A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT Mr. Gorsky TO ARMSTRONG.
 
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE HIS MR. GORSKY HAD JUST DIED,
SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.
 
HERE IS THE ANSWER TO  "WHO WAS MR. GORSKY":
 
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERNTOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL 
WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW .
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD
MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,
"SEX!  YOU WANT SEX?!
YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
 
It broke the place up.
 
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THAT THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
 
Do pass it on, it's too choice not to be shared.

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#919 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted July 27, 2014 - 04:50 AM

That's a moron!

 


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#920 toomanytoys84 OFFLINE  

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Posted July 27, 2014 - 01:48 PM

The Mr Gorsky is a great joke. But it is not "true"

Edited by toomanytoys84, July 27, 2014 - 01:50 PM.


#921 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted July 27, 2014 - 03:55 PM

You could have said nothing and made me think I knew something, you know. Now I have to go around feeling embarrassed. . . . .

 

I'm just so ashamed! (sniff)


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#922 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted July 27, 2014 - 08:08 PM

You could have said nothing and made me think I knew something, you know. Now I have to go around feeling embarrassed. . . . .
 
I'm just so ashamed! (sniff)


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#923 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted July 28, 2014 - 03:39 PM

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#924 superspeedex OFFLINE  

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Posted July 28, 2014 - 08:42 PM

 

I need some advise!

 

I've never talked about this before, but I really need the boards advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike , that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

 

 

Now that could be a true story


 


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#925 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 04, 2014 - 07:13 AM

An 89 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, ‘What did you steal ?”
She replied, “A can of peaches.”
The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. Then the judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge said, ‘Then I will give you 6 days in jail.” However, before the judge could formally pronounce the punishment for official court recording purposes, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something on his wife’s behalf. The judge said, “What is it ?” The husband said, “She also stole a large can of peas.”

Edited by LilysDad, August 04, 2014 - 07:13 AM.

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#926 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted August 07, 2014 - 05:31 PM

Bach.jpg


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#927 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted August 11, 2014 - 10:00 AM


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#928 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 12, 2014 - 07:50 PM

The history of teaching math.....

 

 

The history of teaching Math
1. Teaching Math In 1950s;A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 2. Teaching Math In 1960s;A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Math In 1970s;A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? 4. Teaching Math In 1980s;A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Math In 1990s;A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.) 6. Teaching Math In 2000s;If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you. There are no wrong answers. 7. Teaching Math In 2014;Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

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#929 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted August 13, 2014 - 01:19 AM

Waaay too true to be a joke!
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#930 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted August 14, 2014 - 07:30 AM

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands
butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the
universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.

But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with
his own eyes.

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the
floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some
buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over
so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter
side up. It's a mir..

Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this
matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people
round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by
scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is
great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in
much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the
final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in
Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the
Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other
explanations must be ruled out.

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they
think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!


 


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