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Official Joke Thread


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#901 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted June 11, 2014 - 06:45 PM

CAR CRASH

 

A woman went through a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the extremely beautiful woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man, not believing his good luck with this hot babe, replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes it and immediately puts the cap back on, then hands it back to him.

He asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."


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#902 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted June 21, 2014 - 08:01 AM

Would You marry Again? - Priceless
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of
course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why
wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay,
okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You
would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)

WIFE: "Would
you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure,
it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where
else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would
you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That
would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would
you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm
sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes,
those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would
she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No,
she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence --

HUSBAND:
"s***"

 


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#903 T Guiles OFFLINE  

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Posted June 23, 2014 - 12:26 PM

A mushroom walk's into a bar and the bartender starts screaming " You get the heck out of here, We don't serve your kind', The mushroom look's at the bartender with a hurt look on his face responds " Why not, I'm a FUNGI.........."                                                        


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#904 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted June 24, 2014 - 02:44 PM

Gotta love this HERE!!


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#905 New.Canadian.DB.Owner OFFLINE  

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Posted June 24, 2014 - 06:43 PM

Gotta love this HERE!!

That's 33 reasons Physics should still be a mandatory course in high school.


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#906 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted June 24, 2014 - 09:36 PM

 Arrogance of Authority

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A DEA  (Drug Enforcement Agency) officer stopped

 

 

at a ranch in Texas , and  talked with an old  rancher.  He told the rancher, "I need to inspect  your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

 

The rancher said, "Okay , but  don't go in  that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

 

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I  have the authority of  the Federal Government of the United States of America with me!"

Reaching  into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant

officer removed his badge and  proudly displayed it tothe  rancher.


"See this f*****g badge? This badge means I am allowed to  go wherever I wish.... On any land!

No questions asked or answers given!

Have I made myself clear? ...... Do you understand?"

The rancher then nodded politely,

apologized and went about his chores.

 

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams,

 

looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life,

being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

 

 

Bull.jpg

 

 


With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.

The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his  tools,

ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs. 
 
       
 

 

 
 

"Your  badge!

Show him your f*****g BADGE.......!"

 

 


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#907 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted June 24, 2014 - 09:44 PM

Thank you Will, we all got a good chuckle out of that here at the farm.
Had a bull or two like that as well.
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#908 oldedeeres OFFLINE  

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Posted June 25, 2014 - 12:53 PM

I can think of things that would make it worthwhile to keep one like that, lol.



#909 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted June 25, 2014 - 03:48 PM

There was just someone on here the other day complaining about thieves. I think he had a dog, too. Maybe this would help.


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#910 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted June 25, 2014 - 07:34 PM

Ahh ...   don't tell the mean agent at the border that you have a cute little elf all trussed up under the tarp in the back of your vehicle  ?



#911 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted June 28, 2014 - 03:01 PM

Jim is passing by Farmer John’s , hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Farmer John doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Jim rushes in and says, “What the world’re ya doing, John?”

“Good grief, Jim, ya scared the bejeebers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Farmer John.

“But me ‘n the wife been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”


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#912 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted June 29, 2014 - 08:23 PM

Too funny to not share.

 

 

 

 

Is my new camper a lemon??

 

I bought a new (ok "used, needs a little work") camper from a guy off Craigslist last week. After a few emails I wired him the money and he dropped it off yesterday while I was at work. I had a few basic questions but he's not responding to my emails anymore so I figured I'd ask my questions here.

First, who puts curtains on the windshield, and where the heck are the wipers? The front seat is cushy and all but I'm still trying to make sense of the controls (so far I've found the stereo and some kind of "Magic Fingers" option). Seat belts seem to be non-existent. Clearly campers aren't the safest vehicles but still, it shouldn't take a manual to find the gas pedal! (NO he didn't leave the damned manual either!)

Second, when these are working, what kind of mileage do they get? It does have some fuel in the tanks but he said it was a "flex fuel" vehicle and so I need to find propane, but...

That leads to question #3: While the main tires seem good enough, the microscopic front tire worries me. The "tiller" for steering doesn't seem to do squat (fortunately I was going in a straight line down the driveway when I took it for a test-run). Should I put a bigger one on the front or will that affect how it handles? (Didn't handle that well when it reached the ditch!)

(Yes, DUH, I realize you wouldn't normally steer from that tiller thing... clearly there's a linkage missing between it and the aforementioned dashboard, but a trip to the junkyard will sort it all out I'm sure.)

Thanks in advance! I'm eager to tool down the road in my new camper, and I trust that with the help of you I'll be traveling in style. :-)


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#913 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted June 29, 2014 - 09:04 PM

An idiot and his money are soon parted.


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#914 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted July 11, 2014 - 04:53 PM

I need some advise!

 

I've never talked about this before, but I really need the boards advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike , that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

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#915 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted July 12, 2014 - 12:48 PM

Where oh where should we retire to??????
 
 
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your buttocks from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
 
OR
 
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
 
OR
 
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (ed. note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
 
OR
 
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
 
OR
 
You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.
 
OR
 
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
 
OR
 
You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
 
OR
 
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
6. You’ve gotten used to having bugs in the kitchen, and lizards and snakes in the yard.
7. The seasons are: Early Summer, High Summer, Late Summer, and Not Summer.
 

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