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Official Joke Thread


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#871 NJKen OFFLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2014 - 06:58 PM

I'm considering a new career in writing children's books. This is my first test book. Think I can make a living doing this ?

ImageUploadedByTapatalk1398470320.475464.jpg

Edited by NJKen, April 25, 2014 - 07:08 PM.


#872 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2014 - 07:09 PM

Is this autobiographical???


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#873 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2014 - 07:24 PM

Is this autobiographical???

I was wondering if he was writing from experience??



#874 NJKen OFFLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2014 - 07:45 PM

I've never been to the big house and either was my dad. That I know of.

#875 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2014 - 07:57 PM

I've never been to the big house and either was my dad. That I know of.

My dad retired from there!



#876 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2014 - 08:03 PM

The author is one M something- something Higgins. Must be a pen name. Very professional! Your going to miss wiring stuff.



#877 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2014 - 08:49 PM

The author is one M something- something Higgins. Must be a pen name. Very professional! Your going to miss wiring stuff.

HUH?????



#878 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2014 - 09:39 PM

The author is one M something- something Higgins. Must be a pen name. Very professional! Your going to miss wiring stuff.

 

 

Melissa. Time to up the prescription.


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#879 toomanytoys84 ONLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2014 - 10:29 PM

http://www.goodreads...ad-went-to-jail

 

I've spent one night in Jail about 10 years ago.  Was an interesting night.....Bar fight.  Locked in the "drunk tank" basically.  No charges filed.



#880 toomanytoys84 ONLINE  

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Posted April 28, 2014 - 03:14 AM

Did you hear the about the guy who got his left leg and leg arm cut off?

 

 

 

 

No?  It's ok, he is all right now!



#881 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted April 28, 2014 - 06:37 AM

If we had an eye roll smilie, I would use it right now!


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#882 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 29, 2014 - 06:13 AM

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. The policeman noticed this and stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

"You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off.

Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, "Why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, "OK., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

 

"Not everybody pays."

:biting_nails:  :biting_nails:  :biting_nails:  :biting_nails:

 


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#883 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 02, 2014 - 10:26 AM

 

THE PERFECT HUSBAND!!


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops talking…
MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Kate and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns to them and asks,
"Do any of you guys know who owns this phone?"

 


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#884 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 04, 2014 - 07:02 AM

Biology Test

 

 

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

Edited by LilysDad, May 04, 2014 - 07:03 AM.

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#885 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted May 04, 2014 - 07:42 AM

What ? Another Cat joke for free inside an existing joke ?




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