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Official Joke Thread


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#871 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2014 - 09:39 PM

The author is one M something- something Higgins. Must be a pen name. Very professional! Your going to miss wiring stuff.

 

 

Melissa. Time to up the prescription.


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#872 toomanytoys84 ONLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2014 - 10:29 PM

http://www.goodreads...ad-went-to-jail

 

I've spent one night in Jail about 10 years ago.  Was an interesting night.....Bar fight.  Locked in the "drunk tank" basically.  No charges filed.



#873 toomanytoys84 ONLINE  

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Posted April 28, 2014 - 03:14 AM

Did you hear the about the guy who got his left leg and leg arm cut off?

 

 

 

 

No?  It's ok, he is all right now!



#874 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted April 28, 2014 - 06:37 AM

If we had an eye roll smilie, I would use it right now!


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#875 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 29, 2014 - 06:13 AM

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. The policeman noticed this and stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

"You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off.

Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, "Why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, "OK., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

 

"Not everybody pays."

:biting_nails:  :biting_nails:  :biting_nails:  :biting_nails:

 


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#876 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 02, 2014 - 10:26 AM

 

THE PERFECT HUSBAND!!


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops talking…
MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Kate and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns to them and asks,
"Do any of you guys know who owns this phone?"

 


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#877 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 04, 2014 - 07:02 AM

Biology Test

 

 

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

Edited by LilysDad, May 04, 2014 - 07:03 AM.

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#878 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted May 04, 2014 - 07:42 AM

What ? Another Cat joke for free inside an existing joke ?

#879 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted May 04, 2014 - 08:03 AM

What ? Another Cat joke for free inside an existing joke ?

It's a bonus!


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#880 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 04, 2014 - 07:57 PM

Teacher_joke.jpg


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#881 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 04, 2014 - 07:59 PM

What ? Another Cat joke for free inside an existing joke ?

Cat jokes are everywhere. You just have to be looking for them.


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#882 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 08, 2014 - 05:04 PM

Missing wife's description

 

 

Distraught husband filing a report on his missing wife:
Husband: I lost my wife (Misty), she went shopping & still has not reached home yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Color of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to the season.
Jnspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Pant suit or dress..... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Was she going in a car???
Husband: yes.
Inspector: tell me the number, name & color of the car ? . . . . . ..
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....and then the husband started crying...
Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car...

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#883 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 08, 2014 - 05:25 PM

When mechanics go to the nursing home

imagesold-car-guys_small.jpg

 

 

 


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#884 superspeedex OFFLINE  

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Posted May 08, 2014 - 09:28 PM

 

Missing wife's description

 

 

Distraught husband filing a report on his missing wife:
Husband: I lost my wife (Misty), she went shopping & still has not reached home yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Color of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to the season.
Jnspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Pant suit or dress..... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Was she going in a car???
Husband: yes.
Inspector: tell me the number, name & color of the car ? . . . . . ..
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....and then the husband started crying...
Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car...

 

thats great haha


Edited by superspeedex, May 08, 2014 - 09:28 PM.


#885 Username OFFLINE  

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Posted May 10, 2014 - 07:31 AM

Government pipe specifications

 

 

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length -- do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) -- otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. The pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site. (NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.)

6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it's a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.

8. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor won't mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes from bolts that are quite separate from the big holes in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.

15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.

16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.


Edited by Username, May 10, 2014 - 07:32 AM.

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