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Official Joke Thread


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#856 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted April 08, 2014 - 09:00 AM

As a Bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. 
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.


As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.


I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.


As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost!

 

 

 

 

 

 



#857 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted April 08, 2014 - 05:35 PM

Ole Cliff used to tell this joke .


One day I got a excited phone call from momma . She said dad went down to feed the hogs with grandpa OGG . She said " I gotta run . A fist fight just broke out . Grandpa doesn't want to be fed to the hogs " .
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#858 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 08, 2014 - 06:45 PM

:deadhorse:  :love:  :watch_over_fence:

 

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#859 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted April 10, 2014 - 05:37 AM

Not necessarily a joke but -

 

 

  A young Cliff Arquette invented the modern prothetic mask for actors so that comedy could be improved  . This allowed changing facial expressions for slapstick etc or even the opposite end of emotions . Giving credit for a good thing .



#860 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted April 11, 2014 - 06:13 PM

Peter Marshall :   How many balls are on a pool table  ?

 

 

Charley Weaver :  Count the players  !



#861 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted April 11, 2014 - 06:20 PM

I had to update that last joke . Don't ask me to explain :D



#862 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 13, 2014 - 10:41 PM

:beer:  :beerchug:  :anvil_drop:

 

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#863 Guest_rdehli_*

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Posted April 16, 2014 - 08:15 AM

How Babies Are Made.
 
 
Canadian photographer Patrice Laroche surely will have
no trouble explaining to his kids about the birds and the bees.
During his wife Sandra’s pregnancy, the artist
created this hilarious explanatory photo series titled
“How to Make a Baby”. The creative couple planned and
carried out their project throughout the whole period
of 9 months, taking pictures in the exact same settings
as Sandra’s belly expanded. The pregnancy saga of
Sandra and Patrice basically denounces all the traditional
stork stories.

 

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#864 drbish OFFLINE  

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Posted April 16, 2014 - 04:47 PM

One day a man decided to retire...
 
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
 
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
 
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
 
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."
 
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
 
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
 
"But, where did you get the tools?"
 
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
 
The guy is stunned.
 
Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
 
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
 
"Would you like a drink?"
 
No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
 
Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?"
 
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
 
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
 
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
 
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
 
Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride? She stares into his eyes.
 
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form.
"You mean you built a Garden Tractor, too?!"  

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#865 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted April 16, 2014 - 06:20 PM

:rolling: :bigrofl: :rolling: :bigrofl:
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#866 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted April 18, 2014 - 08:16 PM

Vocabularianisms

 

 

For those who appreciate the intricacies of the English language...the Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year's winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are runover by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

 


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#867 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted April 18, 2014 - 09:12 PM

A certain someone is not going to like #5.
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#868 Sparky ONLINE  

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Posted April 19, 2014 - 06:36 AM

I like number 12 . We all need composure before going someplace disgusting .

 

 

 

   Awe come on  -  ya all knew how to think this way ,  Verba mentalizing it is the hardest thing .



#869 Spiritinthesky OFFLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2014 - 11:08 AM

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."


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#870 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2014 - 01:37 PM

That's almost as bad as this.   

 

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