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Official Joke Thread

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#841 Username OFFLINE  



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Posted March 08, 2014 - 10:19 AM

How Italians Tell Time



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#842 UncleWillie ONLINE  


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Posted March 15, 2014 - 09:16 PM

This is too funny to not share.


MD: Hello?
A: Hi, is Michelle Depalma there please?
MD: this is her
A: Hi, Michelle, Alan here from Midas auto care.
MD: Hi, Alan
A: Hi, uh, looking at your car, you brought it in for an alignment and a tune up.
MD: Yes I did.
A: yeah, we found a few more problems here, just preventive maintenence, just wanna run 'em by you see what you think.
MD: okay.
A: Just making sure you want these done. First of all the headlights: the headlight fluid is a little low, we're gonna need to top that off
MD: Alright.
A: and it'll probably be, it depends: do you want the halogen fluid or the regular fluid.
MD: Umm....well how much do they run?
A: well, it's about 10 bucks or 30 bucks...it's a question of quality really; I really wouldn't skip out, I'd go with the halogen.
MD: the halogen is better?
A: yeah.
MD: okay...and you said that was a bout $30 A: yeah. each headlight.
MD: each headlight? so...$60.
A: yeah.
MD: okay, we can go ahead and do that.
A: okay, I'll mark that off, good call, Michelle. Okay, Tires...I don't even know how this happened, this is weird. Somehow the left tires got on the right and the right tires got on the left, so you want us to switch those back around for you?
MD: Um, yeah, is that dangerous?
A: oh yeah. I mean, be thankful the front weren't on the back and the back on the front. That could cause a real headache.
MD: Oh gosh!
A: well, sometimes the servicemen get confused if you've had it in for service recently.
MD Well how much is that gonna cost?
A: That's gonna be about $50 per tire
MD: Per tire?
A: But we don't need to do the spare, that we can leave alone.
MD: yeah, we don't need to do the spare...so $100?
A: Yeah $200.
MD: Oh $200
A: yeah, $50 a tire and you'll be thankful. Imagine you're going down Southfield and whammo you hit a pothole? big problems. yeah
MD: okay, alright we can do that
A: And the biggest problem here, uh, my guy checked it out, I don't know, last time you were in for service, how long do you think it's been since you've had your car checked out.
MD: ummm, I don't know, maybe a month ago?
A: yeah, I don't know how this happened, maybe when you parked it in a mall or maybe in service, someone removed the transmission.
MD: the transmission?
A: yeah, it's just gone.
MD: don't you need that to...
A: well you ...it improves gas mileage, but...you really probably need one. You want us to install one for ya? MD: well, yeah, if I really need one, but how much is that gonna cost me?
A: well, it's gonna be a bit, I'd actually get 2 for this kind of car
MD: okay, 2? how much is that gonna be.
A: How often do you drive in reverse?
MD: umm...I guess just when I back out of my driveway
A: okay, can you park in the street maybe?
MD: yeah, I could probably do that.
A: okay, because no reverse function that'll save you a few hundred right there.
MD: oh it will?
A: yeah, especially if you're getting 2 transmissions.
MD: ok.
A: so, there's one last thing, and this is purely cosmetic, and I don't know if it matters to you, we noticed in your car that the cigarette lighter was missing?
MD: yeah it is
A: we can throw that in no charge, we can throw that in
MD: oh really?
A: yeah, do you want that. That'll just be $70 installation, but we won't charge you for the cigarette lighter.
MD: oh ...okay, well...how much is everything going to be together.
A: uuh...let me run up a total here ...let's see, we've got the tires, halogen fluid, lighter installation, 8, 3, 6, carry the 2..and add that in there, labor..okay, this is great, not too much damage in there, we're talking $2443,
MD: Oh my god
A: and that's great because the cigarette lighter you have in there is not a very expensive one.
MD: oh, well, I need to call my dad to see if I can borrow some of the money
A; sure
MD: ...to help pay for it. Could I call you back?
A: yeah, actually we might have someone here who can help you when you call back
A': yeah, when you call us back can you call us at the new Q95. This is Mojo in the morning and you're the victim of a phone scam.
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#843 CRFarnsworth ONLINE  



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Posted March 17, 2014 - 09:08 PM

This is too funny to not share.



:bigrofl:      Kinda reminds me of Roy D. Mercer!         Rick

#844 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  


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Posted March 23, 2014 - 03:24 AM

:love:  :love:   :love:



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#845 LilysDad ONLINE  


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Posted April 01, 2014 - 08:31 PM





Message sent
by the husband:

- I was run over by a car when I left my office. Paula took me to the Hospital. I was under examinations until now. The bang on the head caused a mild concussion. Had serious damage to my right leg, they think my foot will have to come off.

Reply by the wife:

Who Is Paula??????

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#846 DennyIN OFFLINE  

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Posted April 03, 2014 - 05:49 PM

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and

handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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#847 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  


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Posted April 05, 2014 - 07:08 AM

This video kinda takes you by surprise! :watch_over_fence:

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#848 LilysDad ONLINE  


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Posted April 05, 2014 - 07:39 AM

The Difference Between Men And Women.



Coutesy of Dave Barry

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

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#849 DougT ONLINE  


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Posted April 08, 2014 - 09:00 AM

As a Bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. 
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost!







#850 Sparky OFFLINE  



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Posted April 08, 2014 - 05:35 PM

Ole Cliff used to tell this joke .

One day I got a excited phone call from momma . She said dad went down to feed the hogs with grandpa OGG . She said " I gotta run . A fist fight just broke out . Grandpa doesn't want to be fed to the hogs " .
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#851 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  


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Posted April 08, 2014 - 06:45 PM

:deadhorse:  :love:  :watch_over_fence:



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#852 Sparky OFFLINE  



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Posted April 10, 2014 - 05:37 AM

Not necessarily a joke but -



  A young Cliff Arquette invented the modern prothetic mask for actors so that comedy could be improved  . This allowed changing facial expressions for slapstick etc or even the opposite end of emotions . Giving credit for a good thing .

#853 Sparky OFFLINE  



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Posted April 11, 2014 - 06:13 PM

Peter Marshall :   How many balls are on a pool table  ?



Charley Weaver :  Count the players  !

#854 Sparky OFFLINE  



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Posted April 11, 2014 - 06:20 PM

I had to update that last joke . Don't ask me to explain :D

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Posted April 13, 2014 - 10:41 PM

:beer:  :beerchug:  :anvil_drop:



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