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Official Joke Thread


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#826 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted February 08, 2014 - 08:26 PM

                                                          Redneck tv tray.jpg


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#827 Kurtee OFFLINE  

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Posted February 11, 2014 - 10:23 AM

A little help for Valentines Day

 

 

Clatus & Billy Bob

Clatus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.


Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Clatus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

"Good grief, Clatus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to

a tractor."
(Don't make me come splain this to you!
Read the last line again, slowly


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#828 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted February 11, 2014 - 12:27 PM

Note to self, have Karen read that...
:bigrofl:

It could always be worse honey... :smilewink:
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#829 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted February 11, 2014 - 06:51 PM

MAN RULES

AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY, the guys' side of the story.

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...


 


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#830 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted February 12, 2014 - 01:02 AM

After pulling a farmer over for speeding in his pick-up, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"
"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, " Kinda hard to fool them flies, though.".................!!!


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#831 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted February 12, 2014 - 01:21 AM

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....

'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
 


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#832 DennyIN OFFLINE  

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Posted February 14, 2014 - 09:56 AM

I'm new on here so be patient.
 
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer. 
  
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who Owns the Big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?" 
  
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought You'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" 
  
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. 
  
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." 
  
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe"  and took off running circles around Silver. 
  
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,"Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him This time?" 
  
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, 
  
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!" 

 

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#833 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted February 14, 2014 - 10:49 AM

 

I'm new on here so be patient.
 
 

Denny, Welcome to the forum. Stop by the introduction forum and tell us a little about yourself.



#834 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted February 16, 2014 - 01:57 PM

Be careful what you wish for....

 

 

 

 

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.

During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.


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#835 Texas Deere and Horse OFFLINE  

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Posted February 19, 2014 - 10:05 AM

I forgot how funny this stuff is, I watched it growing up.

 


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#836 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted February 19, 2014 - 10:15 AM

That was good TV back then!



#837 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted February 21, 2014 - 09:56 AM

Big '5-OHHH'

 

1690545_613531458732735_314808113_n.jpg

 

PS--->

 

BEWARE IN THE MOD POTTY NOW!!

 

1925060_613368325415715_798306259_n.jpg


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#838 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted March 03, 2014 - 02:15 AM

"I went to go to work this morning and car wouldn't open. Key fob wouldn't work. Couldn't open the door or hood. Got a ride to work. Tried again at lunch. No go.

The guy running the snow plow came to help. There is 12 inches of snow on every inch of the car so he wipes off the trunk to try to open it. He says "So, you have another key?". No. I wish I did. "Well, this is a VW key. The car's a Toyota".

I'm going for an early nap!

 


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#839 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted March 03, 2014 - 02:37 AM


A man received the following text from his neighbor:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

"Darn autocorrect. I meant 'wifi', not 'wife'."


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#840 DennyIN OFFLINE  

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Posted March 03, 2014 - 11:17 PM

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert,
moved to Wyoming,
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic
cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he
bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the
kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice
anything different about me?" 
Margaret looked him over, "Nope,"
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the
bathroom, undressed and walked back into
the kitchen completely naked except for
the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder
this time, "Notice anything different
NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best
deadpan, "Bert, what's different?  It's
hanging down today, it was hanging down
yesterday, it'll be hanging down
tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW
WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope, Not a clue", she replied.
 
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S
LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!!!

Without missing a beat Margaret replied,
"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert,
Shoulda bought a hat."


 


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