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Official Joke Thread


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#811 drbish ONLINE  

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Posted January 24, 2014 - 08:45 PM

I just got off the phone with a friend living up in Northern Indiana near the Michigan Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.


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#812 JDGuy445 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 27, 2014 - 07:30 PM

Did you hear about the dog that had puppies by the side of the road? She was fined for littering

 
But I am done woofing around and chasing my tail
 
All the puns I tend to tend to think of, end up barking up the wrong tree.

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#813 Texas Deere and Horse OFFLINE  

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Posted January 28, 2014 - 03:19 PM

Getting ready for snow removal in Texas,

 

1601084_10152022443134565_879051700_n.jpg


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#814 New.Canadian.DB.Owner OFFLINE  

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Posted January 28, 2014 - 09:31 PM

 

 


Edited by New.Canadian.DB.Owner, January 28, 2014 - 09:32 PM.


#815 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted January 29, 2014 - 12:48 PM

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but ... I've always wanted to"

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

* Don't be arrogant.
* Don't waste ammunition.
* Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control.
* And finally, Don't screw around with old folks;
they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

 

 

 

And this isn't a joke but I dare you to not laugh or at least crack a smile.

 

http://youtu.be/BTOeuH-iEJ8


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#816 Texas Deere and Horse OFFLINE  

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Posted January 29, 2014 - 01:40 PM

Oh GOD Willie, That Baby has about killed me. Boy I remember those days where everything was funny to my girls when they were little like that.



#817 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted January 29, 2014 - 01:48 PM

Oh GOD Willie, That Baby has about killed me. Boy I remember those days where everything was funny to my girls when they were little like that.

Steph and her friend were in her when I was watching it and they were in tears.



#818 Username OFFLINE  

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Posted February 01, 2014 - 11:14 AM

How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a
desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they
created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.


Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people:
one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time
studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the
tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people,
one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they
created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll
officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an
Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal
Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year
and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they
laid off the night watchman.


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#819 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted February 05, 2014 - 07:23 PM

I overheard 2 guys in the bar the other day.

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while
sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex
all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (62), sitting a couple of stools down had also
over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and
with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that poo!"
 


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#820 toomanytoys84 OFFLINE  

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Posted February 05, 2014 - 08:19 PM

How you may ask do cows communicate over the Internet.







By E-moooo of course.

#821 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted February 06, 2014 - 09:08 PM

Toooo Funny not to share...

 

1782102_10151953612367081_448068798_n.jpg


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#822 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted February 06, 2014 - 09:11 PM

:rolling:  :rolling:

 

That's her story, and I bet she's sticking to it. :D  :D


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#823 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted February 06, 2014 - 11:12 PM

Toooo Funny not to share...

 

attachicon.gif1782102_10151953612367081_448068798_n.jpg

 

:bigrofl: :bigrofl: :bigrofl: :bigrofl: :bigrofl:


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#824 lyall OFFLINE  

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Posted February 07, 2014 - 12:24 AM

bet she will not do that again in public



#825 alley oop OFFLINE  

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Posted February 08, 2014 - 05:53 AM

How you may ask do cows communicate over the Internet.







By E-moooo of course.

And Dogs?......   Pee-Mail


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