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Official Joke Thread


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#796 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted January 01, 2014 - 12:22 PM

Roll eyes now...attachicon.gifimage.jpg

 

Get out. OUT! (groan)


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#797 OldBuzzard OFFLINE  

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Posted January 01, 2014 - 07:00 PM

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

 

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him
pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

 

"Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train. Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life. Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any longer.


Edited by OldBuzzard, January 01, 2014 - 07:02 PM.

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#798 drbish OFFLINE  

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Posted January 05, 2014 - 09:30 AM

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill… Barefoot… BOTH ways…yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that I’m over the ripe old age of forty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. They’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, They live in a virtual Utopia! And I hate to say it, but the kids today, don’t know how good they’ve got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our behinds! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3′s or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that’s how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn’t have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it!

7) There weren’t any cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn’t make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your “friends”. OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror… not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there’s TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please!

You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent… you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn’t have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what’s the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!

12) And we didn’t have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play… all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside… you were doing chores!

And car seats – oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the “safety arm” across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling “shot gun” in the first place!

See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! the kids today have got it too easy. They’re spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd


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#799 wvbuzzmaster ONLINE  

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Posted January 05, 2014 - 05:57 PM

I saw a 3 year old girl in a high chair at the restaurant the other day using a smartphone. It gets better, after a few minutes the flash went off... She was taking a selfie!

I am only in my 20s and the kids today have it even better than I did.
There's no more computer labs that the teacher can sign your class up for once a month, because each classroom has laptops now, and electronic text books. When I was in school you actually had to carry your books!

I thought I had it easy until this next generation of kids showed me how to use a computer! And I thought that the process wasn't possible in the program I had been using for the last five years!!

#800 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted January 06, 2014 - 10:16 AM


I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why  baby diapers
have brand names such as "Luvs",  "Huggies," and "Pampers', while
undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv 'em, Hug 'em
and Pamper 'em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

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#801 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted January 06, 2014 - 07:21 PM

This last joke helps explains  baggy pants and the helpfulness of their designers . People willingly wear them  .



#802 alley oop OFFLINE  

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Posted January 07, 2014 - 08:50 PM

"Know how cold it is Frank?"

"How cold is it jimmie?"

"It's so cold, I saw a gangsta pull his pants up."
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#803 OldBuzzard OFFLINE  

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Posted January 08, 2014 - 06:48 AM

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor.

"Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

"Wow, that's colder than mine! "said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo.

 

He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there.

 

He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

He won.


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#804 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted January 08, 2014 - 06:39 PM

canadian.jpg


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#805 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted January 09, 2014 - 11:32 AM

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box that has wheels, but it's strapped to the ground. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all just jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

 


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#806 OldBuzzard OFFLINE  

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Posted January 15, 2014 - 09:34 AM

 Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"

 Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled......."For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"


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#807 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted January 17, 2014 - 04:59 PM

 An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
 

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

 One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

               

Some old men can still think fast.
 


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#808 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted January 23, 2014 - 03:16 PM

Yesterday I was at Wal-mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.>
What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-mart won't let me shop there anymore.

 


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#809 drbish OFFLINE  

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Posted January 24, 2014 - 06:15 PM

I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world...

I told them that anybody who could fit into my clothes isn't starving!!!


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#810 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted January 24, 2014 - 06:19 PM

I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world...

I told them that anybody who could fit into my clothes isn't starving!!!

 

:bigrofl: :bigrofl: :bigrofl:

 

And I thought you were going to go with the 'my clothes don't taste good' route........


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