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Official Joke Thread


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#796 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted December 20, 2013 - 04:50 PM

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carol's.'



#797 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted December 25, 2013 - 02:43 PM

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg, Russia,  the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. 
 
"I think it's raining," he said to his wife. 
 
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. 
 
"No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said."  Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.  Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. 
 
"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."  
 
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" 
 
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. 
 
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" 
 
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

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#798 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted December 25, 2013 - 08:54 PM

Christmas Cookie Recipe:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make
sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the
turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose
with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish
the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.


CHERRY MISTMAS
 


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#799 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted December 25, 2013 - 10:13 PM

Christmas Cookie Recipe:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make
sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the
turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose
with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish
the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.


CHERRY MISTMAS
 

Elvis  music playing in background optional   :worshippy1:



#800 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted December 29, 2013 - 08:48 AM

No video, but lots of smile IMHO.


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#801 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted January 01, 2014 - 04:07 AM

Some of these things just gotta HURT!!!

 

CLICK HERE


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#802 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted January 01, 2014 - 11:28 AM

Roll eyes now...image.jpg
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#803 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted January 01, 2014 - 12:22 PM

Roll eyes now...attachicon.gifimage.jpg

 

Get out. OUT! (groan)


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#804 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted January 01, 2014 - 07:00 PM

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

 

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him
pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

 

"Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train. Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life. Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any longer.


Edited by OldBuzzard, January 01, 2014 - 07:02 PM.

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#805 drbish ONLINE  

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Posted January 05, 2014 - 09:30 AM

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill… Barefoot… BOTH ways…yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that I’m over the ripe old age of forty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. They’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, They live in a virtual Utopia! And I hate to say it, but the kids today, don’t know how good they’ve got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our behinds! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3′s or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that’s how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn’t have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it!

7) There weren’t any cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn’t make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your “friends”. OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror… not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there’s TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please!

You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent… you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn’t have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what’s the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!

12) And we didn’t have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play… all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside… you were doing chores!

And car seats – oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the “safety arm” across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling “shot gun” in the first place!

See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! the kids today have got it too easy. They’re spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd


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#806 wvbuzzmaster ONLINE  

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Posted January 05, 2014 - 05:57 PM

I saw a 3 year old girl in a high chair at the restaurant the other day using a smartphone. It gets better, after a few minutes the flash went off... She was taking a selfie!

I am only in my 20s and the kids today have it even better than I did.
There's no more computer labs that the teacher can sign your class up for once a month, because each classroom has laptops now, and electronic text books. When I was in school you actually had to carry your books!

I thought I had it easy until this next generation of kids showed me how to use a computer! And I thought that the process wasn't possible in the program I had been using for the last five years!!

#807 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted January 06, 2014 - 10:16 AM


I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why  baby diapers
have brand names such as "Luvs",  "Huggies," and "Pampers', while
undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv 'em, Hug 'em
and Pamper 'em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

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#808 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted January 06, 2014 - 07:21 PM

This last joke helps explains  baggy pants and the helpfulness of their designers . People willingly wear them  .



#809 alley oop OFFLINE  

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Posted January 07, 2014 - 08:50 PM

"Know how cold it is Frank?"

"How cold is it jimmie?"

"It's so cold, I saw a gangsta pull his pants up."
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#810 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted January 08, 2014 - 06:48 AM

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor.

"Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

"Wow, that's colder than mine! "said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo.

 

He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there.

 

He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

He won.


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