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Official Joke Thread


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#781 LTD OFFLINE  

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Posted December 13, 2013 - 06:44 PM

>  End-of-Life
> Request
>
>
>
> End-of-Life Request In Washington,
> D.C., an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he
> had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital
> and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned
> for his nurse
>  to come near.
>
>
>
> "Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
>
>
>
> "I would really like to see President Obama and Senator
> Reid before I die," whispered the priest.
>
>
>
> "I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the
> nurse.
>
>
>
> The nurse sent the request to the President and Congress and
> waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President
> Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the priest.
>
>
>
>
> As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid,
> "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us,
> but it will certainly help our images." Reid agreed
> that it was a good thing.
>
>
>
> When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took
> Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in
> his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on
> the old priest's face. Finally President Obama spoke.
>
>
>
> "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why
> did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
>
>
>
> The old priest slowly
>  replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after
> our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

> "Amen," said Obama.
>
> "Amen," said Reid
>
> The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying
> thieves; I would like to do the same.


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#782 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted December 16, 2013 - 07:37 AM

A Christmas Tradition..
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.

 


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#783 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted December 16, 2013 - 08:17 PM

I don't know why but this just makes me laugh!!   :D

 

http://www.youtube.c...bKfNY&vq=medium


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#784 alley oop OFFLINE  

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Posted December 17, 2013 - 04:58 AM

don't know why but this just makes me laugh



Good Laugh. But, i gotta get up on my soap box for a minute. Certain folks say everybody curses sometime so it's alright to curse in public. I say every one farts. But that doesn't mean you should let one on a crowded elevator. Especially if you had picked eggs an beer the night before.
Mr. Speaker I yield the floor er soapbox.
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#785 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted December 17, 2013 - 05:31 AM

don't know why but this just makes me laugh



Good Laugh. But, i gotta get up on my soap box for a minute. Certain folks say everybody curses sometime so it's alright to curse in public. I say every one farts. But that doesn't mean you should let one on a crowded elevator. Especially if you had picked eggs an beer the night before.
Mr. Speaker I yield the floor er soapbox.

Now this here is the 'Official Joke Thread'!  

 

Not the 'I gotta Vent' thread!!

 

Just messin with ya!  (& no- I don't appreciate it either!)



#786 Team_Green OFFLINE  

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Posted December 17, 2013 - 04:58 PM

I don't know why but this just makes me laugh!!   :D

 

http://www.youtube.c...bKfNY&vq=medium

Filmed in Canada.. wonderful.. droopy drawers made it up here..  :wallbanging:


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#787 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted December 19, 2013 - 09:20 AM

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

 

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.

 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."


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#788 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted December 20, 2013 - 01:41 PM

Did your Wife up and leave ya for another?  Here's some creative suggestions of what to do with her wedding dress!

 

http://www.viralnova.../wedding-dress/



#789 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted December 20, 2013 - 04:50 PM

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carol's.'



#790 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted December 25, 2013 - 02:43 PM

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg, Russia,  the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. 
 
"I think it's raining," he said to his wife. 
 
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. 
 
"No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said."  Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.  Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. 
 
"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."  
 
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" 
 
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. 
 
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" 
 
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

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#791 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted December 25, 2013 - 08:54 PM

Christmas Cookie Recipe:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make
sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the
turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose
with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish
the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.


CHERRY MISTMAS
 


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#792 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted December 25, 2013 - 10:13 PM

Christmas Cookie Recipe:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make
sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the
turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose
with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish
the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.


CHERRY MISTMAS
 

Elvis  music playing in background optional   :worshippy1:



#793 MH81 OFFLINE  

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Posted December 29, 2013 - 08:48 AM

No video, but lots of smile IMHO.


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#794 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted January 01, 2014 - 04:07 AM

Some of these things just gotta HURT!!!

 

CLICK HERE


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#795 MH81 OFFLINE  

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Posted January 01, 2014 - 11:28 AM

Roll eyes now...image.jpg
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