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Official Joke Thread


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#766 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted November 20, 2013 - 06:02 PM

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets and all sorts of things.

The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, now easy William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay now William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, be calm now William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."

Bravo !!!!!!


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#767 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted November 22, 2013 - 08:57 AM

British humor is different

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
_______________________________________


FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel , 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________


FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
__________________________________________________ _____


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
__________________________________________________ ______


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer �100.
__________________________________________________ ___________


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie .
__________________________________________________ _________


And the WINNER is...


FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica , 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, �200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


(Statement of the Century)
__________________________________________________ _________


Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker -- Billy Connolly .


"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"


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#768 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted November 22, 2013 - 10:05 AM

With Thanksgiving just around the corner, I thought you might enjoy this. Turn up the volume.

 

http://images.busine...gs/image/01.swf


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#769 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted November 23, 2013 - 12:39 PM

On a bitterly cold winter’s morning a husband and wife in Fargo, North Dakota were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently”.

So the good wife, who was a blonde, went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
“We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.”

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio
announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ”
Then the power went off. . . . . . . .!

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plow can get through?”

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”


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#770 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted November 24, 2013 - 12:35 AM

Turkey Day is coming!

 

images turkey1.jpg

 

images turkey.jpg

 

Thanksgiving-meme-funny.jpg

 

funny-thanksgiving-wallpaper.jpg


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#771 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted December 02, 2013 - 10:36 AM

 

 

 
MAMA'S BIBLE                                                           
                                                                         
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.  They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother               
who lived far away in another city.                                     
                                                                         
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."           
                                                                         
The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built
in the house."                                                         
                                                                         
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."                                                                   
                                                                         
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and
you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.                                                   
                                                                         
I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible.  It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him.  I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it.  Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."                                                                   
                                                                         
The other brothers were impressed.  After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank-You notes.                                                   
                                                                         
She wrote:
 
"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.  Thanks anyway."                                                  
                                                                         
"Marvin, I am too old to travel.  I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes.  The thought was good. Thanks."                                             
                                                                         
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound; it
could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind.  I'll never use it. 
Thank you for the gesture just the same."                               
                                                                         
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious.  Thank you."                                     
                                                                         
Luv ya,                                                        
MAMA                                                           
 
   
 

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#772 alley oop OFFLINE  

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Posted December 02, 2013 - 09:47 PM

Saint Peter and God were talking one day in heaven and decided to play a round of golf. They went to the pearly gates country club where the first hole is a par 4. St. Peter tees off. It was a beautiful shot down the fairway with just enough hook to make it around the dogleg and lands 10 yards off the green. With a good chip shot and a steady put he could easily birdie. Then God tees off. He slices badly, the ball flies off towards the woods. Just as the ball is about to hit a tree, an eagle swoops out of the sky and grabs the ball in it's talons. It flys up the fairway. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning comes out of the crystal blue sky hitting the eagle and it releases the ball as it tumbles from the sky. The ball plummets towards the water hazard. Just before it drops in the water, a large bass jumps and hits the ball with it's tail. This knocks the ball further across the fairway right into the sandtrap. A squirrel skampers across the sand and grabs the ball just as the ball is about to stop rolling. The squirrel runs across the green and just as it gets to the hole. A coyote pounces on it and the ball drops into the hole with a plop. "That's a hole in one" God says. St. Peter folds his arms over his chest, raises one eyebrow and asks "Do you plan to play any golf, or are you just going to show off all day?"
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#773 alley oop OFFLINE  

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Posted December 03, 2013 - 08:23 PM

Three old spinsters die and arrive at the pearly gates where they are greated by St. Peter. "Ladies you may not be aware but there is an entrance exam to get into heaven. Just one simple question. Get it right and you're in. Who wants to go first?"
The first of the ladies steps forward.
"Who was the first man?" He asks.
"Easy" she says "That would be Adam."
A trumpet sounds, ta dah daahhhh. And the gates open.
The second lady steps up, suddenly feeling more confident.
St . Peter askes her, "Who was the first woman?"
"Eve" she shouts gleefully.
Ta da daahh goes the trumpet, the gates open and she enters.
St. Peter faces the last woman.
"What were Eve's first words to Adam?"
The woman is taken aback by the question.
"Gosh, that's a hard one!"

Ta da daahhhh.

#774 alley oop OFFLINE  

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Posted December 05, 2013 - 08:35 AM

A pastor and a rabbi had a weekly fishing trip going for several years. A new mosque opened in town, and the decided to invite the Iman along.
They were up at O dark thirty and rowed out to their favorite hole. They were catching fish like crazy. before long they were running low on bait. No one wanted to leave the hole since they were doing so well. The pastor said "you guys go ahead fishing, I'll walk over to the bait shop on the shore and pick up some more." With that he stood up. "As Jesus called Peter to walk on the stormy seas, I claim the faith to walk on the waters." He stepped out of the boat and walked on the water to the shore. Soon he returned with more bait. The fishing remained good. Soon they were low on bait again. The Rabbi stood up. He waved his rod over the water. "As Moses in obedience to YHWH, used his rod to separate the Red sea, I will walk upon the waters." Off he went walking towards the shore. He walked back. The fishing remained good. Soon they were low on bait again. The Iman not wanting to be outdone, stood up. "Allah protect me." He fell out of the boat and went under. As they reached in to pull him out the rabbi asked the pastor, "Do you suppose we should show him where the rocks are?"
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#775 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted December 09, 2013 - 01:50 PM

Why men wear earrings

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,
and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him
to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'

'Ever since my wife found it in my truck.'

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#776 alley oop OFFLINE  

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Posted December 11, 2013 - 08:45 AM

Okay this one is lame. But I love it.
How to hens stay in shape?




they eggsercize.

#777 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted December 11, 2013 - 09:38 PM

Here is a slightly twisted one-

 

 

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy ?

 

 

 

-   I used to know but nobody cares .


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#778 alley oop OFFLINE  

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Posted December 12, 2013 - 06:31 AM

Here is a slightly twisted one-
 
 
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy ?
 
 
 
-   I used to know but nobody cares .

How is it that you know me so well?

#779 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted December 12, 2013 - 07:44 AM

Or one fed with a little corn -

 

 

 

 A lot of people think they know of miracles on water . 

 

 

  But mostly they just end up passing water.


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#780 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted December 13, 2013 - 10:22 AM

imagesCAA5ZJHK.jpg

 

imagesCAGZU690.jpg

 

imagesCA2LGHA6.jpg

 

images car.jpg

 

imagesCA21NMNK.jpg

 

Life is hard, hope you were able to laugh.


Edited by A.C.T., December 13, 2013 - 10:25 AM.

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