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Official Joke Thread


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#751 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted October 28, 2013 - 06:04 PM

Eat your carrots Will, and stop playing with your food.


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#752 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted October 29, 2013 - 06:14 PM

Getting In Shape

 

 

Hunting season is near. If you haven't gotten in hunting form yet here is a routine I like to use.

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this routine. Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing outside behind the house, with a 5-LB potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute. Relax.

After one week move up to 10-LB potato sacks, then next week 50-LB potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

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#753 superspeedex OFFLINE  

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Posted October 29, 2013 - 06:46 PM

Q: How do you trap a polar bear?

A: You cut a hole in the ice. Line it with peas. When the bear bends over to take a pee, you kick him in the icehole.

 

 

heres one for ya

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Edited by superspeedex, October 29, 2013 - 07:02 PM.

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#754 superspeedex OFFLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2013 - 04:34 PM

Warning to older men but you women should warn all your boyfriends, husbands, brothers, brother-in-laws...........................etc.


Diane O'Leary

Women always receivewarnings about protecting themselves at the mall, parking lots, etc.

But this is the first warning I have seen for men.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart.

Last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping.

Simply going to get supplies turned out to be traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.


Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come up to your vehicle as you are putting away your purchases.

They start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
(It's impossible not to look).

When you thank them and perhaps offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

On the way, they start undressing.

Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th.

Also July 1st & 4th,
twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.

I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, since you never actually get to eat at McDonald's, you lose weight.
I've lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.


So please, send this on to all the older men that you know
and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)



 


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#755 shorty ONLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2013 - 04:41 PM

:bigrofl:  :bigrofl:  :bigrofl:  :bigrofl:



#756 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted October 30, 2013 - 05:02 PM

 
Southern Ingenuity
One morning 3 South Carolina good ole boys and 3 Yankees were in a ticket line at the Greenville train station heading to Charlotte for a big football game.

The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them.

"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the Yankees. "Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South.

When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.



The Conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to the Charlotte train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees. "Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys.

When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war....

Edited by LilysDad, October 30, 2013 - 05:05 PM.

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#757 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted November 04, 2013 - 04:59 PM

Seduction

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
 
"No" said her husband.
 
She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three 
buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her
cleavage created by a soft, silky pushup bra and pulled
out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
 
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and
smiled approvingly.
 
She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all
crumpled up?"  "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone
in his voice.
 
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her
skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties
and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
 
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started
breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
 
"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars
all crumpled up?"
 
"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and
excited to which she replied:
 
"Go look in the garage."
 
 
 

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#758 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted November 04, 2013 - 05:18 PM

That's good!!!!!!!!!!



#759 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted November 04, 2013 - 05:43 PM

 

Seduction

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
 
"No" said her husband.
 
She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three 
buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her
cleavage created by a soft, silky pushup bra and pulled
out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
 
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and
smiled approvingly.
 
She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all
crumpled up?"  "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone
in his voice.
 
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her
skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties
and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
 
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started
breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
 
"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars
all crumpled up?"
 
"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and
excited to which she replied:
 
"Go look in the garage."
 
 
 

 

No ELF was hurt in the making of this joke . ( We hope )


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#760 BTS ONLINE  

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Posted November 07, 2013 - 08:20 AM

2 men walk into a bar, the 3rd one ducked


Edited by BTS, November 07, 2013 - 08:22 AM.

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#761 BTS ONLINE  

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Posted November 07, 2013 - 08:21 AM

What does a fish say when it swims into a wall?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DAM


Edited by BTS, November 07, 2013 - 09:06 AM.

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#762 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted November 08, 2013 - 02:54 PM

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to
heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if 
there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more 
comfortable, please let me know." 

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my 
life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a 
hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and
a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. 

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic 
farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the 
Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. 

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. 
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with 
brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do 
you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have 
to run anymore?" 

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse 
with beautiful new roller skates. 

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat 
and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are 
things since you got here?" 

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies,

"It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected.

 

And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

:thumbs:  :thumbs:  :thumbs:  :thumbs:  :thumbs:  :thumbs:  :thumbs:  :thumbs: 


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#763 superspeedex OFFLINE  

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Posted November 13, 2013 - 09:50 PM

horsepower

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#764 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted November 20, 2013 - 08:01 AM

Late for work!

 

http://95rockfm.com/...f-car-accident/

 


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#765 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted November 20, 2013 - 02:32 PM

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets and all sorts of things.

The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, now easy William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay now William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, be calm now William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."


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