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Official Joke Thread


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#736 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted October 03, 2013 - 07:13 PM

The Difference Between Complete and Finished

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.  However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England and attended by some of the best linguists in the world. 
Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner. His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. 
Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!" 
 
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes. 
 

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#737 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted October 03, 2013 - 08:45 PM

 

The Difference Between Complete and Finished

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.  However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England and attended by some of the best linguists in the world. 
Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner. His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. 
Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!" 
 
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes. 
Press "  1 "  for no translation needed  .

 



#738 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted October 08, 2013 - 06:11 AM

Luigi, an old Italian guy, is sitting on the beach in April. A guy comes up and says "How's the water old man?"
"Lukewarm" , says Luigi.
The guy jumps in, and it's freezing cold.
He comes back and yells at the old man, "You crazy old man it's FREEZING! You said it was lukewarm"
Luigi shrugs, then replies "...well it lukeawarm to me!"



#739 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted October 09, 2013 - 12:15 PM

An English professor, seeking to demonstrate the importance of proper punctuation, asked his class to punctuate the sentence , "A woman without her man is nothing."

All of the men in the class proceeded to punctuate it the same, "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The ladies had a different take on things, instead choosing, "A woman: without her, man is nothing."


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#740 Project-Buckfast OFFLINE  

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Posted October 10, 2013 - 02:57 PM

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.

In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in Karate, and a very bad attitude!

"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second or two, shakes his head and says:



"Nah. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." 


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#741 CRFarnsworth OFFLINE  

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Posted October 10, 2013 - 06:06 PM

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but all he did was eat grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had wasted my money!

 

Anyhow I had the vet come look at him. He said the bull was very healthy but perhaps a little young. So he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

 

The bull began to service the cows within two days----- all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbors cows! He is like a machine!

 

I don't know what is in the pills the vet gave him , but I do know they kind of taste like peppermint.   :D  


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#742 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted October 14, 2013 - 12:28 AM

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie apeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It's brilliant!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
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#743 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted October 14, 2013 - 01:05 AM

Good one Willy!!   :D  :bigrofl:  :bigrofl:  :bigrofl:

 

Here's an idea for your leaf clean-ups this fall:

 

How to PO your neighbor!.JPG



#744 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted October 14, 2013 - 02:25 AM

If blood is thicker than water, and maple syrup is thicker than blood, obviously

pancakes are more important than family.


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#745 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted October 14, 2013 - 07:18 AM

If blood is thicker than water, and maple syrup is thicker than blood, obviously
pancakes are more important than family.


Yep, you're Canadian... :poke:
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#746 KennyP ONLINE  

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Posted October 14, 2013 - 07:27 AM

Pancakes are pretty high on the list! :bigrofl:



#747 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted October 19, 2013 - 05:05 PM

Thought you would be interested, in the new book titled,

“Understanding Women.”

       

        It is now out in paperback...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

woman book.jpg

 


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#748 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted October 19, 2013 - 06:06 PM

One in a three volume set!


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#749 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted October 26, 2013 - 09:36 AM

This one is in honor of Two Step's new baby. 6 really cool things about your life in the uterus!

 

http://www.cracked.c...=feature_module


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#750 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted October 28, 2013 - 04:40 PM

CARROTS

 

 

 

Carrots.jpg


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