Official Joke Thread
Posted September 18, 2013 - 11:11 PM
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Earl the farmer, 30, struck by lightning while driving an old tractor."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
- Sparky said thank you
Posted September 20, 2013 - 04:06 PM
Posted September 21, 2013 - 10:58 AM
Posted September 22, 2013 - 07:36 PM
A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responds, "Yes that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of :the flesh?" The Priest replied, "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"
- MH81, KennyP and New.Canadian.DB.Owner have said thanks
Posted September 29, 2013 - 02:57 PM
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn"t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, "Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!" I"m like...Helloooooo? It"s only 25 cents!!!!"
- KennyP said thank you
Posted September 29, 2013 - 04:08 PM
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza joint and asks "Can you make me one with everything?"
Posted September 30, 2013 - 07:41 AM
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
ZAP ! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Sonja what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my dog Hadley looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Hadley (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. He's is such a sweet dog. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a T-shirt with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
I'm sitting there alone, Hadley looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it boss," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The dog was standing over me making whining sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like ****!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the top shelf of the bookcase. How did
they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testic..
- MH81, KennyP, HowardsMF155 and 1 other said thanks
Posted September 30, 2013 - 05:57 PM
Posted September 30, 2013 - 06:02 PM
Glad you did that! I sure wouldn't have!
Posted September 30, 2013 - 06:24 PM
Sorry! I can't take credit. I copied it.
- MH81 said thank you
Posted September 30, 2013 - 06:31 PM
Wanna hear a dirty joke????? Pig fell in the mud
Edited by superspeedex, September 30, 2013 - 06:31 PM.
Posted September 30, 2013 - 08:50 PM
Wanna hear a dirty joke????? Pig fell in the mud
I don't get it ??
Posted September 30, 2013 - 08:52 PM
I don't get it ??
Posted September 30, 2013 - 09:26 PM
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
- MH81, Sparky, wvbuzzmaster and 5 others have said thanks
Posted October 01, 2013 - 03:41 PM
Ok, so the other day I'm browsing my local CL farm & garden section as usual.
Saw an ad for firewood that has been placed pretty often lately.
The ad starts out in the body like this
So I just had to ask a question.
Hit the reply to add icon, and asked
I'm sorry, but I just have to ask. Would this happen to be Jake from State Farm ?
He replied back the next day.
"No need to be sorry for asking, but I'm not the Jake who works for State Farm, I'm a landscaper by trade"
Guess he either never saw the commercial
I thought it was funny. Lol
- olcowhand, MH81 and KennyP have said thanks