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Official Joke Thread


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#691 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted August 27, 2013 - 04:09 PM

Thank goodness I'm not 45 yet... :D

#692 KennyP OFFLINE  

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Posted August 27, 2013 - 06:29 PM

I just did it with laughs in between. Does that count? I'm 65!



#693 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted August 27, 2013 - 06:30 PM

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase....

 

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise..
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"


Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."


Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?
"Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

 


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#694 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted August 31, 2013 - 06:26 AM

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux are out hunting and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

 

They approach it and are amazed by its size.

 

Boudreaux says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

 

Thibodeaux says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

 

Boudreaux says, "There's this old truck transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

 

So they pick up and carry the transmission over, count a one, and a two and a three, and throw it in the big hole.

 

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge when they hear a very loud rustling in the bushes behind them.

 

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the bushes, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

 

While they are standing there looking at each other in total amazement, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

 

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

 

Boudreaux says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this big hole here!"

 

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to an old transmission!"


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#695 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted August 31, 2013 - 06:42 AM

Good one OB!!

 

:bigrofl:  :bigrofl:  :bigrofl:  :bigrofl:



#696 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 01, 2013 - 08:10 AM

Handy Woman

 

 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she needed were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "Oh. And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."



#697 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted September 02, 2013 - 03:30 PM

Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale."
This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it.

"Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine."

Ole replied "Yup, and dey're boat for sale."
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#698 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted September 02, 2013 - 03:56 PM

Two city boys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind.

It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen a goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

#699 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 02, 2013 - 05:54 PM

Jeeez! Now we have a rail road tie, a truck trans and two goats in the hole and we still don't know how deep it is!


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#700 CRFarnsworth OFFLINE  

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Posted September 02, 2013 - 06:10 PM

Jeeez! Now we have a rail road tie, a truck trans and two goats in the hole and we still don't know how deep it is!

At this point I would say it is deep AND GETTING DEEPER! :smilewink:  :smilewink:    Rick


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#701 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted September 02, 2013 - 07:47 PM

Jeeez! Now we have a rail road tie, a truck trans and two goats in the hole and we still don't know how deep it is!

You made me go back and look... LOL I guess I was three days late and a couple dollars short.
Amazing how a joke can get changed around before it gets to you via email, isn't it?

#702 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted September 02, 2013 - 07:53 PM

Ah jeez - I hope that hole ain't neer the buzzmaster . I would hate to hear about him chasing a runaway GT .. :worshippy1:  :beer:


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#703 Cat385B ONLINE  

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Posted September 02, 2013 - 09:22 PM

Can someone quit throwing goats and junk into the hole I'm digging? Trying to work here........
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#704 UncleWillie OFFLINE  

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Posted September 02, 2013 - 10:25 PM

Who stole my transmission?
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#705 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted September 03, 2013 - 07:12 AM

Can someone quit throwing goats and junk into the hole I'm digging? Trying to work here........

If you had gotten clearance with that goat farmer, you wouldn't be in this position.






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