Official Joke Thread
Posted July 21, 2013 - 09:51 PM
Posted July 22, 2013 - 11:36 AM
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was not acceptable either.
So in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts?" No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, "Odds and Ends." Everyone loved it.
- New.Canadian.DB.Owner, marlboro180 and WNYTractorTinkerer have said thanks
Posted July 28, 2013 - 01:20 PM
When it was clear that Phil was dying, Joe visited him every day.
One day Joe said, "Phil, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if
there's baseball there."
Phil looked up at Joe from his deathbed and said, "Joe, you've been my best friend for many
years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Phil died.
A few nights later, Joe was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Joe, Joe ."
"Who is it," asked Joe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Joe -- it's me, Phil"
"You're not Phil . Phil just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Phil," insisted the voice.
"Phil Where are you?"
"In heaven," replied Phil. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Joe.
"The good news," Phil said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better
yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better
still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play ball all we want, and
we never get tired." And we get to play with all the Greats of the past.
"That's fantastic," said Joe "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad
- KennyP, marlboro180 and WNYTractorTinkerer have said thanks
Posted August 05, 2013 - 08:37 AM
As they walk along a seedy hooded man approaches them and shoves them into an ally and pulls out a gun.
“Give me your wallets” he demands
“Now just a second” says one. “All you really want is our cash am I right?”
“Yea” reply's the robber.
“OK then, why don’t we just give you our cash and avoid all the hassle, could you at least do that for us?”
“Yea, yea just give me the cash and make it quick” reply's the robber.
“OK, OK.” Turning to his buddy he says “Jim lets just give him our cash and be done with this.”
“Sure George” Jim reply's “and by the way, here’s that Twenty I owe you.”
- LilysDad said thank you
Posted August 05, 2013 - 08:42 AM
Some simple home remedies
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE:
NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT
- MH81, KennyP and LilysDad have said thanks
Posted August 05, 2013 - 05:48 PM
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive!
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
- MH81 and KennyP have said thanks
Posted August 07, 2013 - 11:23 AM
Subject: How the Internet Started (according to the Bible)...
UN-believable!How the Internet Started (according to the Bible)...
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began.
And that's the truth.
- LilysDad said thank you
Posted August 11, 2013 - 07:36 PM
Giggle for Today!
Posted August 11, 2013 - 08:01 PM
- MH81 and WNYTractorTinkerer have said thanks
Posted August 16, 2013 - 04:42 PM
For his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for E D.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle!
- KennyP, HowardsMF155, Cat385B and 3 others have said thanks
Posted August 17, 2013 - 03:16 PM
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.? The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A
- IamSherwood, KennyP, LilysDad and 2 others have said thanks
Posted August 19, 2013 - 04:17 PM
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
- KennyP, HowardsMF155, bh115577 and 2 others have said thanks
Posted August 21, 2013 - 10:38 PM
- KennyP and WNYTractorTinkerer have said thanks
Posted August 23, 2013 - 01:52 AM
A lady was walking down the street and happened upon a pet store. As she gazed into the shop she notice a beautiful red parrot on sale for 50 dollars. She entered and asked the store owner why the bird was so cheap "Well, the bird came out of brothel , and I can't be held accountable for what the bird might say" he replied After some time and thought, the woman placed 50 dollars on the counter and took the bird home and placed him on his stand in the living room. The parrot fluttered and screeched " NEW HOUSE....NEW MADAME....... At first the woman was shocked,Then she laughed it off and thought if that's as bad as the bird gets then no big deal. An hour later her two teen aged girls came home from school and entered the house,and the bird went crazy screeching "NEW HOUSE......NEW MADAME........NEW GIRLS......." Once again they all were very shocked and then found it quite funny. About 30 minutes later they hear the father roll up in the family car and all race into the living room to see his reaction .Dad walk's in the parrot look's at him " HOW YA DOING STEVE"
- bh115577 said thank you
Posted August 23, 2013 - 02:30 AM
Edited by T Guiles, August 23, 2013 - 02:32 AM.
- drbish and bh115577 have said thanks