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Official Joke Thread


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#676 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted August 11, 2013 - 07:36 PM

Giggle for Today!

 



#677 IamSherwood OFFLINE  

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Posted August 11, 2013 - 08:01 PM

MARRIAGE/MARIJUANA
For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.
 
 
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because
 
Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
 

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#678 drbish ONLINE  

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Posted August 16, 2013 - 04:42 PM

For his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for E D.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, 
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle!

 


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#679 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted August 17, 2013 - 03:16 PM

Biology Exam.

A question to the class resulted in this answer.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.? The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A

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#680 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 19, 2013 - 04:17 PM

 

 

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."


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#681 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted August 21, 2013 - 10:38 PM

It's applicable.

 

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#682 T Guiles OFFLINE  

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Posted August 23, 2013 - 01:52 AM

A lady was walking down the street and happened upon a pet store. As she gazed into the shop she notice a beautiful red parrot on sale for 50 dollars. She entered and asked the store owner why the bird was so cheap  "Well, the bird came out of brothel , and I can't be held accountable for what the bird might say" he replied                                                                       After some time and thought, the woman placed 50 dollars on the counter and took the bird home  and placed him on his stand in the living room. The parrot fluttered and screeched " NEW HOUSE....NEW MADAME.......                   At first the woman was shocked,Then she laughed it off and thought if that's as bad as the bird gets then no big deal.    An hour later her two teen aged girls came home from school and entered the house,and the bird went crazy screeching "NEW HOUSE......NEW MADAME........NEW GIRLS......." Once again they all were very shocked and then found it quite funny.                                                                                                                                                                                           About 30 minutes later they hear the father roll up in the family car and all race into the living room to see his reaction .Dad walk's in the parrot look's at him " HOW YA DOING STEVE" 


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#683 T Guiles OFFLINE  

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Posted August 23, 2013 - 02:30 AM

ONE MORE PARROT JOKE............. A LADY WAS WALKING INTO TOWN TO GET SOME THINGS SHE NEEDED AROUND THE HOUSE. FROM ACROSS THE STREET A PARROT WAS ON A STAND OUTSIDE A PET STORE SCREAMING " LADY .......HEY LADY....HEY.....HEY LADY" SO SHE CROSSED THE STREET WALKED UP TO THE BIRD AND SAID " MY YOUR SUCH A PRETTY BIRD"AND THE PARROT REPLIED" YOUR REALLY,REALLY,UUUUUUGLY " THE POOR LADY WAS IN SHOCK.....AND HURRIED INTO TOWN TO PICK UP THE ITEMS ON HER LIST. AS SHE SHOPPED SHE BECAME VERY ANGRY.. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MADDER SHE GOT. SOON SHE WAS SPITTING MAD AT THE BIRD. BY NOW SHE HAD ENOUGH OF THE SHOPPING AND WAS WALKING HOME AND AS SOON A THE PARROT SAW IT WAS HER IT STARED SCREAMING AT HER " HEY ...... HEY ..... UGLY LADY...... HEY UGLY........" THAT WAS IT SHE STORMED INTO THE STORE SCREAMING AT THE OWNER" I'M GONNA SUE YOU .......I'LL OWN THIS STORE AND THAT DAMN BIRD......AND THEN" THE STORE OWNER SAID TO HER" MAM RELAX, I'LL TALK TO THE PARROT ABOUT IT".......I'M REALLY SORRY. WITH THAT SAID SHE FELT THE PROBLEM WAS RESOLVED. AS SHE WAS PUTTING THE ITEMS SHE BOUGHT AWAY IT BECAME APPARENT SHE HAD FORGOTTEN HALF THE THINGS SHE WENT TO TOWN FOR THE NEXT DAY SHE HEADED BACK INTO TOWN FOR THE REST OF THE LIST, AS SOON AS THE PARROT SAW HER IT STARTED SCREAMING AT HER " LADY ...HEY LADY...HEY .....HEY LADY......" SHE CROSSED OVER TO THE PARROT AND ASKED " WHAT BIRD?" THE PARROT LOOKED HER STRAIT IN THE EYES AND SAID " YOOOOU KNOOOW"

Edited by T Guiles, August 23, 2013 - 02:32 AM.

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#684 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted August 23, 2013 - 03:15 AM

Speaking of Parrots: CLICK HERE


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#685 WNYTractorTinkerer OFFLINE  

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Posted August 23, 2013 - 05:59 AM

Question:

 

You are driving in a car at a constant speed on a curvy road.

On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

You see a giant galloping pig, the same size as your car, in front of you.. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.


Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you, and the accelerator seems to be stuck, so you can't evade them.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer:

Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round- Bozo!

 

You're drunk!

 


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#686 OldBuzzard ONLINE  

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Posted August 24, 2013 - 06:12 AM

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.

 

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

 

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

 

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

 

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."


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#687 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted August 24, 2013 - 09:14 AM

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.

 

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

 

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

 

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

 

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

The way most marriages go - the hubby should collect his S*** and compose a proper reply . Maybe guilty a time or two .



#688 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 25, 2013 - 11:47 AM

On a beautiful, moonlit night, two blondes are sitting on a San Diego beach when one says "Which do you think is closer - New York City or the moon?". The other replies "Duh! You can see the moon right there!"


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#689 T Guiles OFFLINE  

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Posted August 26, 2013 - 12:39 PM

An older guy and his wife go to the doctor. The doctor tell's him " Sir I'm going to need a stool , blood , and seman samples"  The older gent looks at his wife and asks " What'd he say "  the Mrs replies ' HE SAID HE NEED YOUR UNDERWEAR"


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#690 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted August 27, 2013 - 02:53 PM

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the
School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. 
 
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. 
 
 The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it! 
 
 1. This is this cat. 
 2. This is is cat. 
 3. This is how cat. 
 4. This is to cat. 
 5. This is keep cat. 
 6. This is an cat. 
 7. This is old cat. 
 8. This is fart cat. 
 9. This is busy cat. 
 10. This is for cat. 
 11. This is forty cat. 
 12. This is seconds cat. 
 
 Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down. 
 I bet you cannot resist passing it on
.
 

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