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#661 Utah Smitty OFFLINE  

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Posted July 06, 2013 - 09:46 PM

A guy stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. " Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling ?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job." one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the tax-payers' money ?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy.

LOL!!

 

Unfortunately, with the cutbacks we're going though, it's more like one guy doing all three jobs, and paying for the tree himself!!!

 

Smitty



#662 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted July 08, 2013 - 09:59 PM

Some of you may have seen this before but it came up in conversation tonight @ work so...  Here it is!!  It's an oldie but still a goodie!  This guy speaks his mind and it's hilarious!fing32.gif **The post was altered a bit to make it PG-13..smiley-confused013.gif

Best of Craigslist > SF bay area >

 

Hey Crackhead!!!

Originally Posted: Sat, 27 Mar 15:36 PST
Date: 2004-03-27, 3:36PM PST

Yes, you. You sick ***er. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge d-bag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare spark-plugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how messed up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead

You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night.. 

You couldn't rest on your laurels.. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so, I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the **** up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling... But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is:

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE???

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the dang saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering ****, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella-****** at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. (You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.)

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and ****, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you,Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges.

 

Think about it.

Sincerely,
Matt


Edited by WNYTractorTinkerer, July 09, 2013 - 12:42 AM.

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#663 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted July 09, 2013 - 07:54 PM

2000 words

 

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#664 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted July 12, 2013 - 07:03 PM

Two engineering students meet on campus. One is riding a nice new mountain bike.

His buddy asks, "Hey where did you get the bike?"

The first engineer student said, "You wouldn't believe it. This pretty blonde rode up on this bike. Jumped off. Tore off all her clothes and laid on the ground. Then she said, 'take what ever you want!'"

His buddy says, "Good choice!"



#665 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted July 12, 2013 - 07:19 PM

Three engineers were arguing. They were debating if God was an Engineer, what kind would he be. The first engineer(a mechanical engineer) said He had to be a Mech. Engineer because he worked with bones and joints and such. "No, no!" said the second engineer. He had to be an Electrical Engineer the way he created the brain and nerves and all. The third engineer said "Nope !!!" you're both wrong. Who else but a Civil Engineer would build a sewer line right through a recreational area?


Edited by LilysDad, July 12, 2013 - 07:19 PM.

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#666 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted July 14, 2013 - 07:07 AM

WAKE UUUUUUPPPPPPPPP!!!!

 

UH OHH!


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#667 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted July 17, 2013 - 04:38 PM

images jws.jpg


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#668 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted July 18, 2013 - 08:27 PM

image.jpg image.jpg
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#669 superspeedex OFFLINE  

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Posted July 21, 2013 - 09:51 PM

haha

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#670 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted July 22, 2013 - 11:36 AM

PROCTOLOGY

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was not acceptable either.
So in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts?" No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, "Odds and Ends." Everyone loved it.
 

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#671 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted July 28, 2013 - 01:20 PM

Two 90-year-old men, Phil and Joe, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Phil was dying, Joe visited him every day.

One day Joe said, "Phil, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if
there's baseball there."

Phil looked up at Joe from his deathbed and said, "Joe, you've been my best friend for many
years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Phil died.

A few nights later, Joe was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Joe, Joe ."

"Who is it," asked Joe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Joe -- it's me, Phil"

"You're not Phil . Phil just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Phil," insisted the voice.

"Phil Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Phil. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Joe.

"The good news," Phil said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better
yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better
still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play ball all we want, and
we never get tired." And we get to play with all the Greats of the past.

"That's fantastic," said Joe "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad
news?"
 
"You're pitching Tuesday!!"

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#672 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted August 05, 2013 - 08:37 AM

Iou

Two guys are walking home after a regular night at the local pub.
As they walk along a seedy hooded man approaches them and shoves them into an ally and pulls out a gun.
“Give me your wallets” he demands
“Now just a second” says one. “All you really want is our cash am I right?”
“Yea” reply's the robber.
“OK then, why don’t we just give you our cash and avoid all the hassle, could you at least do that for us?”
“Yea, yea just give me the cash and make it quick” reply's the robber.
“OK, OK.” Turning to his buddy he says “Jim lets just give him our cash and be done with this.”
“Sure George” Jim reply's “and by the way, here’s that Twenty I owe you.”

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#673 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted August 05, 2013 - 08:42 AM

Some simple home remedies

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.


SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE:
NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT


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#674 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted August 05, 2013 - 05:48 PM

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive!

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?

"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

 


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#675 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted August 07, 2013 - 11:23 AM

 
Subject: How the Internet Started (according to the Bible)...
 
 
 
UN-believable!
How the Internet Started (according to the Bible)...

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.


And that's the truth.
 
 
 
 
 
 



 

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