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Official Joke Thread


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#646 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted June 13, 2013 - 08:12 AM

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas DIPS Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

So saying that, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

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#647 HowardsMF155 OFFLINE  

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Posted June 13, 2013 - 11:05 AM




15. When you go into court,you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
 

 

 So sad and so true these days.



#648 DougT OFFLINE  

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Posted June 13, 2013 - 02:21 PM

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.
 
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his 
direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! 
I'm in deep shit now!"
 
 
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
 
 
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims 
loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther!  I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther 
halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That 
was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use 
and trade it for protection from the panther. 

So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the 
panther.

The young panther is furious at 
being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to 
that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I 
going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......

"Where's that squirrel?  I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... 

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
 
 
Bull Shit and brilliance only come 
with age and experience.


 

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#649 NJKen OFFLINE  

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Posted June 13, 2013 - 06:12 PM

Seriously ? WTH is wrong with this world ? Don't think I'll be "Turning Japanese" anytime soon.

Japanese "Eyeball Licking" Fetish May Spread Disease

"Eyeball Licking." It is apparently a trend among young Japanese according to an article in medicaldaily.com

Read more: http://wtxf.m0bl.net/r/1jramw







#650 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted June 17, 2013 - 06:09 AM

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…”

He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”


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#651 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted June 17, 2013 - 06:10 AM

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?

 

Stays up all nite wondering if there really is a dog.


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#652 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted June 21, 2013 - 12:50 PM

Thoughts

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

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#653 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted June 25, 2013 - 10:15 AM

Middle aged texting

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort
of guy, texted back:




I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

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#654 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted June 25, 2013 - 02:41 PM

Kind of makes you think........................

imagesCADNPKUT.jpg

 

imagesCAI51E53.jpg

 

imagesCA5UZ9KC.jpg



#655 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted June 25, 2013 - 09:03 PM

rim.jpg fish.jpg


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#656 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted June 28, 2013 - 11:43 AM

A guy stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. " Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling ?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job." one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the tax-payers' money ?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy.


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#657 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted July 02, 2013 - 10:06 AM

Magnetism is one of the six fundamental forces of the universe, with the other five being gravity, duct tape, whining, remote control and the force that pulls dogs toward the crotches of strangers.


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#658 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted July 05, 2013 - 07:19 AM

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


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#659 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted July 06, 2013 - 11:23 AM

They say a mockingbird can change its tune eighty seven times in seven minutes. They must be the envy of every politician.

The problem with stress-regulation methods, such as breathing exercises, relaxation technique, bio-feedback etc., is that none of it is as satisfying as beating the hell out of your stressor.



The Lamaze class was in full swing with the room full of pregnant women and their husbands. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly also with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the pain. Then the instructor announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you and walking is very beneficial. And gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your wife either!” Suddenly the room got quiet until finally a man raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher. The man then asked, “Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”


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#660 bh115577 OFFLINE  

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Posted July 06, 2013 - 11:25 AM

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7


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