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Official Joke Thread


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#631 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted May 31, 2013 - 08:42 PM

My darned kid... Got me again... :wallbanging:
(Say it out loud)
image.jpg
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#632 NJKen OFFLINE  

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Posted May 31, 2013 - 09:52 PM

Ok, who besides Scott gets this ? ImageUploadedByTapatalk1370055120.556890.jpg
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#633 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted June 01, 2013 - 12:41 AM

LOL-funny-Toilets-8-500x500.jpg


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#634 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted June 01, 2013 - 06:29 PM

A friend sent me this and I don’t know the answer.  Can you help me?
 
 

Opinion Needed


Hi Doug,
I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

;

 


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#635 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted June 01, 2013 - 07:36 PM

Uuummmh.....     Did the car his wife got out of belong to the local blacksmith? Or the marina owner?



#636 MH81 ONLINE  

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Posted June 02, 2013 - 08:38 AM

image.jpg
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#637 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted June 05, 2013 - 08:45 PM

Male Vs. Female

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and , best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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#638 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted June 06, 2013 - 05:31 AM

The last joke brought to you by combined efforts of Randy Newman and Mick Jagger .



#639 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted June 06, 2013 - 06:39 AM

Maybe a little Skynyrd thrown in for Male vs Female .



#640 A.C.T. OFFLINE  

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Posted June 06, 2013 - 11:03 PM

imagesCAFB28U0.jpg



#641 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted June 08, 2013 - 12:47 AM

An oldie but still a goodie!

 

Parking Lot DUEL


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#642 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted June 08, 2013 - 07:11 PM

GOD MUST HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.

She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.

Within 1 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.

A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"


Is GOD Good or What!?
 


#643 New.Canadian.DB.Owner ONLINE  

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Posted June 08, 2013 - 08:43 PM

... The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!" ...
 

 

Suddenly, a police officer appeared and arrested the nice fellow for breaching his release conditions by possessing car theft tools.  Stupid on Crime Rules!!!!



#644 DougT ONLINE  

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Posted June 10, 2013 - 10:40 AM

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she's having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong honey?" 
 
She replies, "My head hurts." 
 
Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?" 
 
"Yes," she says. 
 
Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?" 
 
"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. 
 
So the boyfriend kisses her lips. "Is it better now?" 
 
"Much better." 
 
"Anywhere else?" She replies by pointing to her neck. 
 
So the boyfriend kisses her neck. 
 
Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me young fella, do you do hemorrhoids?"

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#645 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted June 11, 2013 - 06:49 PM

Murphy's Next 15

 

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6.Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8.The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court,you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

 

 


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