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Posted April 11, 2013 - 08:33 AM
Posted April 16, 2013 - 12:36 PM
Polite is the way
Posted April 20, 2013 - 06:36 AM
One for the ladies.
GRANDMAS ARE SMART
I was out walking with my grandson. He picked up something off of the ground
and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I
asked him not to do that.
"Why?" my grandson asked.
"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty, and probably has germs. Sometimes germs make little boys sick and not
feel good" I replied.
At this point, my grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly and said to him, "All Grandmas know stuff. It's on
the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently
pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it! He beamed, so if you don't
pass the test you have to be the Grandpa."
"Exactly," I replied with a big smile on my face.
Posted April 20, 2013 - 08:54 PM
Puns for the day...
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Posted April 20, 2013 - 08:58 PM
Figuring out the gender of a fly..
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
"Oh... ! Killing any?"
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
Posted April 25, 2013 - 12:40 PM
Posted April 25, 2013 - 10:10 PM
I resembled a couple of those remarks but I wont say which ones.
Posted April 26, 2013 - 01:00 PM
A Cowboy and the I.R.S.
Posted April 27, 2013 - 04:11 PM
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Posted April 27, 2013 - 08:33 PM
Posted April 27, 2013 - 08:37 PM
Posted May 04, 2013 - 05:10 PM
Ole and Sven
Posted May 06, 2013 - 09:03 PM
Posted May 06, 2013 - 10:51 PM
Send it to Letterman - he could use it .