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Official Joke Thread


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#601 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 11, 2013 - 08:33 AM

Never fear, Chuck is here.

Here's the picture:

 

New Picture (11).jpg



#602 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted April 16, 2013 - 12:36 PM

Polite is the way

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that
he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're
about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The
first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the
terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy
counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring
course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he
was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said,
"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep
your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation......

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

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#603 bh115577 ONLINE  

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Posted April 20, 2013 - 06:36 AM

One for the ladies.
 

 

GRANDMAS ARE SMART

I was out walking with my grandson. He picked up something off of the ground
and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I
asked him not to do that.

"Why?" my grandson asked.

"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty, and probably has germs. Sometimes germs make little boys sick and not
feel good" I replied.

At this point, my grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly and said to him, "All Grandmas know stuff. It's on
the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently
pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it! He beamed, so if you don't
pass the test you have to be the Grandpa."

"Exactly," I replied with a big smile on my face.


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#604 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 20, 2013 - 08:54 PM

Puns for the day...


 

 

 

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed



With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 


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#605 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 20, 2013 - 08:58 PM

Figuring out the gender of a fly..

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh... ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked. 
"How can you tell them apart?"


He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

 


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#606 WNYTractorTinkerer ONLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2013 - 12:40 PM

OLD' IS WHEN... 
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
 
'OLD' IS WHEN... 
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN... 
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN.... 
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN... 
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN.... 
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN... 
An 'all niter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN.... 
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes. 
 
(I sent this in large type so you can read it)

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#607 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted April 25, 2013 - 10:10 PM

I resembled a couple of those remarks but I wont say which ones.


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#608 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted April 26, 2013 - 01:00 PM

A Cowboy and the I.R.S.

 

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairies without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,

'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,

'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'


The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.


'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich ....

beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.

Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,

'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:




If the U.S. government offers to help you,

there's going to be a string attached.

__________________

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#609 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted April 27, 2013 - 04:11 PM

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."


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#610 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted April 27, 2013 - 08:33 PM

I'm confused - we have a few lawyers in this area who won't share their grass .
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#611 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted April 27, 2013 - 08:37 PM

I can't believe I just said that there .
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#612 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted April 29, 2013 - 07:22 PM

Labrador Retrievers

 


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#613 LilysDad ONLINE  

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Posted May 04, 2013 - 05:10 PM

Ole and Sven

 

 

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in
Minneapolis. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the
hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz.
Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got
completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he
feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"
Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve
oughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No "

Vell don't, cause I'm in Iowa.
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#614 UncleWillie ONLINE  

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Posted May 06, 2013 - 09:03 PM

It hurts to look at

squirrel.jpg


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#615 Sparky OFFLINE  

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Posted May 06, 2013 - 10:51 PM

Send it to Letterman - he could use it .






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